bullshit and roses

oct 8th 2021

i just wanted to smoke some weed.

but you brought me bullshit with roses.

as if thats the high i was seeking

the attention that i crave.

i just wanted to smoke a little pot before bed.

whats wrong with that?

you can callme names all you like

addict

manic depressive

witch

liar

bitch

crazy

manic

but it doesnt change the facts.

all i wanted to do was smoke a little bit of weed.

instead you brought me roses and bullshit.

the fight

Oct 8th 2021

The Fight

your calling me manic again

your calling me a liar again

your calling me a selfish <bitch> again

i thnk your misunderstanding me.

my manic depression isnt right

for everybody darling

and youve been mining it for 20 years.

digging me up in your garden

digging me up i my dirt

im sure you will find gold

eventually.

but do we have enough wasted time for that?

20 years.

im so sick of you my darling.

the rules i do not follow.

the words lying unspoken at my feet.

asshole

bastard

motherfuker

fuck you

your a son of a bitch.

you say you just want to help me.

how is all this stress from fighting helpful?

you say you just wanted to keep me safe.

if i go manic i might runaway

from home again.

get my car impounded.

get mugged or raped.

wind up robbed in a womens shelter.

or homeless on the streetss.

you say i dont take it seriously.

but i do.

and its my life.

And if i want another car im going to get one.

And if i want a new kitten im going to get oe too.

And if i want a new part time job

im going to start applying today.

because this fighting were doing?

i cant keep doing this.

i might not stay.

just too terrified to say

it aloud.

mania

mood good

mania

black coffee 3 cups

sleep 6 hours

chain soking my cigarettes

fighting with my husband.

i want a car.

he doesnt want me to have one because im bipolar.

i want a new used car ten years old

a honda or a kia

i want a part time job

i want more tattoos

i want a baby

i want a pair of bonded kittens

im not manic

i might be hypomanic but i dont think so.

this just feels like my new normal.

why does my husband hate me so much?

he calls me selfish and a bitch.

am i really?

floating with the fishes

october 5th 2021

Floating with the fishes

pond

with goldfish

so carefree

im down there swimming

with the fishes

and you dont believe in me.

you say im having another manic episode

i say this feels too good to be that way.

Were fighting and arguing each and everyday.

you say im selfish spoiled and self centered

but oh my god my lover just

how did i get that way?

you used to love me.

you said you did.

i believed you tried too.

but im just too much of a hand fill

and not enough to be good for you.

you didn’t do anything

https://sexinthekitchensink.wordpress.com

9/18/2021

you didn’t do anything

that night i fell out of the bed and onto the cold grain floor.

you left me there face planted.

without a way to come up

for air.

you didn’t do anything

yes when the bed

i fell out of

swallowed me whole.

you didn’t do anything

for me to see if i was okay?

you just assumed she can get up

she’s going to get up

she’s handling it.

you didn’t do anything.

that night we said

goodbye.