I regret my decision to stop

taking my much needed bipolar


I regret the pain I caused

everybody and the mania which ensued.

When I am unwell I am simply not myself

I am something other

somebody both frightened and frighting

now I am left to pick of the

shattered pieces of stability

and attempt to weave them together


Apologies just never seem good enough

the devastation seems huge-

regrets loom large

lessons seem to be never learned.

living with mental illness is very difficult

but thankfully I am not alone

I have friends and family

a wonderful loving husband

we get through the tough times together

we get through the tough times together

despite my regrets.

I know this time I will try to do better.

the missing muse

the missing muse-

poetry left me

it left my mouth dry

my words dried up as well

depression and mania

stole my creativity

it stole my summer

the rocky rope bridge

between emotional extremes

it extinguished the flame of poetry

my blog was left lonely empty

now new medications

a path to recovery

trying to find my muse

trying to find my voice

trying to find words

to weld into a web of internet

connections and old friends.


Searching for stability

searching for reason

searching for loose lips loose speech the

correct words

to form a verse of poetry.

Searching the secrets of the seeds

of my soul.

Longing for closure

instead of life’s loop-

Life is a circle, a pattern and a journey.

Seeking some solace

in the form of stability.

When my world came crashing down on me

When my world came crashing down on me-

When my world fell down about my knees

and shards of broken glass were everywhere to be seen

when all hope was lost and darkness fell

somebody reached out towards me in the midst of my mess

my living turmoil of troubles.

They reached their hand into the deep waters and dragged me

to shore. They saved a dying drowning girl who was tattered in ruins and

in love with the Storm.

When my world came crashing down on me-

When the cities were full of burning buildings

and smoke filled my lungs when there were no heroes in site

and nobody to be counted on

this lone man appeared to save me

just randomly

out of the blue

out of the internet

a complete and utter stranger

but somehow I just knew,

to trust him. And so I did and so it began.

a strange sort of friendship with a stranger from a far away land.

And now when I sleep

I only have dreams of really meeting him.

I have dreams of Starlight and of September.

I have dreams of long travels and hopeful

that I can only get my broken compass to work.

I hope that when I am searching my map its the same one he sees.

I hope if I were to dare to take a journey

he would find me.

The gift

The gift

The gift arrived with little expectations.

it was unwrapped

an open box

it had contained Hope

but like with Pandora’s box the hope

escaped and travelled off with little fanfare.

When I peered inside the box this is when

the hope escaped-it covered my face, it cloaked my outfit, it drizzled me

into rainbows and unicorns.

The gift was unsigned. It was anonymous.

It was not even addressed to me yet i opened it anyways.

It was in a small sparkly white marbled box made

completely of cardboard.

it felt heavy like it weighed a ton this carrying case

of a loaded gun.

This box containing all of the hope required for the entire planet

yet here i had accidently stumbled upon it.

now what?

now what to do with all this foolish hope

laid upon my bare shoulders and entrusted

to me?

Simply believe, is what I find myself whispering to myself.

Simply believe in Hope.

because clearly Hope believes in


And I think that is something scared.

I think that that is something meant to be.

beyond belief

beyond belief-

July 9, 2015

beyond belief

is where I’ve found him.

this sly imp with the devils grin.

the wide open shining blue laughing eyes,

that hypothesize- mesmerise.

they sparkle and shine

showing only a young soul

bearing the heart of one so much

more old.

beyond belief

is where he sleeps

among the places I’ve been dreaming of him.

inspiration found only among

a video web chat

with a clown.

beyond belief to find

a single grain of sand

of this happiness stuff.

It happened to me while I was lost

adrift upon a most troublesome sea.

when i felt i had no one to turn too

yet there he was texting me

comforting me

making me laugh

while my world had silently shattered

and my thoughts and feelings ran numb

chilled to the bone.

i was alone yet not alone

because this friend was there for me.

it was beyond belief.

A stroke of good fortune.

A shiny small scattering of



A blessing among the ruins.

Beyond belief is where I’ll met him then.

In a place where the Sun meets the horizon.

Where the grass is always greener

and the dreamers always sleep.

Beyond belief is a place built big enough for two

built big enough for hope

built big enough for you.

i don”t take shit from nobody.

I don’t take shit from nobody….

———-i don’t do those drugs anymore——i won’t even the score——

i don’t do drugs anymore——–

drugs don’t work. they only prolong hurt.

compliance is futile. it only works for a small while. resistance is the best medicine. the best and most powerful drug so far is love and i stay clear of that stuff.sadness and strife, suffering is in deep sorrows but only for a while. my lover is dying, not today but in a short while and i’ve promised him a child. and i cannot deliver…everythings a placebo effect.And LOVE is the best DRUG. EVER.———————————————————————————————————————————-but

i don’t do drugs anymore…..i miss him already and hes not even gone yet. regrets and regret piled upon sorrow…..————————————————————–will you still be my lover tomorrow?———————————————————————————————————————————————————–time will see all and heal thee——————————————————————————————————————————————————-much misery———————————————————————————————————————————————————————————CANCER SUCKS————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————-EMILY——