beyond belief

beyond belief-

July 9, 2015

beyond belief

is where I’ve found him.

this sly imp with the devils grin.

the wide open shining blue laughing eyes,

that hypothesize- mesmerise.

they sparkle and shine

showing only a young soul

bearing the heart of one so much

more old.

beyond belief

is where he sleeps

among the places I’ve been dreaming of him.

inspiration found only among

a video web chat

with a clown.

beyond belief to find

a single grain of sand

of this happiness stuff.

It happened to me while I was lost

adrift upon a most troublesome sea.

when i felt i had no one to turn too

yet there he was texting me

comforting me

making me laugh

while my world had silently shattered

and my thoughts and feelings ran numb

chilled to the bone.

i was alone yet not alone

because this friend was there for me.

it was beyond belief.

A stroke of good fortune.

A shiny small scattering of

simple

hope.

A blessing among the ruins.

Beyond belief is where I’ll met him then.

In a place where the Sun meets the horizon.

Where the grass is always greener

and the dreamers always sleep.

Beyond belief is a place built big enough for two

built big enough for hope

built big enough for you.

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New Release Finally Available….Artist Chapbook!

My final and second Volume of My Artist Chapbook has just been released on the kindle today.
It is part of the “Art, Art, Art!!! Before Words.” Series, it is the second and final Volume.
To purchase a kindle copy please go here: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00J1QNLYQ

It should also be available as a paperback, soon, I expect in the next few days.

Love Letter

Dreams are made of paper.

They are Clandestine butterflies-flickering-

stolen words,

among stolen kisses.

 

Love lingers on

in a display-

of clenching fingers-

lightly coating,

a lover’s body,

in invisible fingerprints.

 

Creating a map

as two bodies

blend into one-

if only for a moment-

 

love lingers on.

All worn out

All worn out

hot and sweaty

summer lingers on my skin,

damp, tired awaiting twilight’s gleaming.

All worn out

long day jam-packed

with emotions, up and down…

first one thing right after another.

Sometimes, the feelings are so

overwhelming and sticky

they cling to the outside of my shirt

they ride like a heart

pinned to my sleeve.

This summer weather is sleepy/time.

great for naps and games of chance.

searching seamlessly for the right words

to describe the inner workings of my soul.

a crayon drawing

just like a childs is somewhere deep

buried beneath me

lying inside a mask of creativity.

there are some things i have

no words for-only feelings-which ride

like the sea

inside the soul

of me.

The brain trap

So surprised and relieved,

to be free

of all the tricks my brain played on me.

The brain trap,

is a very dark place-

filled with negative

spaces.

My imagination likes

to get carried away into the

deepest darkest cracks

of the brain trap.

It’s the pondering that is

the worst,

if i am not overly cautious-

if will carry me away

in a black hearse.

The brain trap

contains; various toys of self-doubt,

depression, despair,fear and loathing…

when I am stuck deep inside myself-

I just want to cry & shout:

STOP IT!!!STOP IT RIGHT NOW!!!

SHUT UP ALREADY..

enough already.

But sometimes, somehow, someway;

the gray clouds lift and part

the sun comes out

to shine the darkness away.

Relief comes in waves today.

So, see things are not as bad,

as they seemed.

Surprisingly, I take a deep breath,

and my demons go away.

Sometimes somewhere deep inside,

of us all lies a brain trap.

Your brain will lie to you, on occasion,

it happens to both the best & worst of us.

Do yourself a favor,

if your mind is playing tricks, lying and twisting

logic on a stick

do not let it convince you.

Usually in Life nothing is purely,

black nor white,

but a shady color of gray-

life lies in-between.

Do not let yourself fall beneath,

a overwhelming sea

of negativity & anxiety

fight back.

 

Do not despair,

fight the brain trap.

Recovery divided by 3

Recovery divided by 3:

one part is the recovery of the physical self.

recovery of an illness and god knows what else?

 

Part 2 is recovery of the mentality.

Recovery of what ails and troubles

the mind.

 

Lastly, Recovery part 3:

is of the soul.

A recovery to balance a lifetime.

 

To intermingle, the ills of the body, mind, and soul…

Recovery is the word

that sums up, where we go-

from here to eternity.

 

To incarnate oneself in the present

zen of a moment,

to take in a single breath

and allow oneself to rest.

 

Recovery is nature’s way.

She heals us from the inside, out.

But only if we allow her,

only if we are receptive.

 

To receive a world;

comprised of blessings and wellness,

is to become whole.

Recovery is division.

Simple mathematics of  atoms and neurons.

 

Recovery divided by 3.

The ever elusive equation of energy

which equates us into

small earthquakes of belonging.

Stuck on the serene

I’m stuck on the serene.
I am a fly caught by the sky of stars,
onto your cars dashboard’s glass-
smashing fast
beneath windshield wipers cast of silver.

the past is a postcard memory.
a momentary glismpe over my shoulder,
and a 35 cent postage stamp.

there is so much love here.
it covers me, endlessly.
until i breakout like an allergy.
feeling the rash of never belonging/nor…
being worthy of all the love
he sends to me.

I’m a broken down rabbit earred TV screen.
stuck on static and white noise.
i am broken into too many
ancient places
to be fixed by your hi-fi definations.

I am the broken down pay-phone,
in the mental ward which only takes
quaters, and everybody is fresh out,
sadly giving me longing looks of too much pain.

I am the peeling paint job
on the oldest wooden house
abandoned ob our block
windows nailed shut
front door busted into
filled with the evils of crime, rodents of luck and opportunistic stray cats.

I am the fever which makes you sweat.
my heat intensifies
under a heating blanket, some fiction
and a bodybag of a corpse filled to the brim:
with lies.
IMG_20130615_101420IMG_20130615_101001IMG_20130615_101458

Artist Talk & Art Therapy Workshop June 25, 2013 at TAE: The Art Experience in Pontiac MI

I have been invited to host an Artist Talk and Art workshop on recovery in mental health using Artwork. This Artist Talk & Art Therapy workshop includes a presentation and a watercolor demonstration, along with an art making opportunity for those in attendance. It will be June 25,2013, from 6pm-8pm at The Art Experience, 175 S. Saginaw, ste #109 , Pontiac Mi To register please go to their website, at http://www.theartexperience.org and click on the tab listed as summer schedule of classes. Tickets are only $20 each for this session and the cost includes art supplies. They ask if you register please do so in advance by at least 6/18/13. I will be doing a presentation based on living with bipolar disorder and how that has impacted my life as an artist/art-therapist. Then there will be a short Q &A-followed by two different watercolor resist techniques. Last the participants will be invited to create their own works on art based on these techniques. Suggested Age range is 15 years and up.Artist Talk flyer no Flyer Art Talk no 4 copy flyer artist talk 6.25.13 TAE version 2 I will also have some copies of my paperback books for sale, most will be just $10, the other 2 my Art before words, and my memoirs on bipolar will be $15. I would be willing to sign them if you like.

Her ugly limited view of god

IMAG0907 (1)My sister and i

were on the telephone,

when i mentioned my husband and self-

maybe seeking an annulment

in order to get a portion of my social security

benefits restored.

She was furious with me.

She gave me a huge angry lecture,

citing the importance of Love,

and the sanctity of marriage.

It come out of nowhere,

this fright train of outrage.

She stream-rolled me, with

I would not end my marriage-

over such a small amount of money Emily.

this she said with words made of bees

not of honey….her quick judgement of me.

This extra amount of money would be

in fact quite insignificant to my sister.

Yet compared to us and all of our struggles;

Her and her husband live on the high horse-

She herself has never even acquired a

4 year bachelors degree-yet she has made it-

achieving much, in the world of hospital administration.

She was lucky to achieve so much with so little education-

just the sweat of her brow and making it up the

food chain by sheer hard work and lots of luck.

Myself, I hold a high school diploma, a bachelors degree in Fine Arts,

and a Masters Degree in Education: Art Ed and Art Therpy-

I also hold an unraveling mind

trapped beneath the glass,

of mental illness.

I too, have worked very hard for everything that life has given me.

The difference of course, is i roughly earn

only 6,000$ per year from ssdi.

She I am sure earns well over 50,000$

plus her spouse also works-he is a republican,

a private businessman.

My spouse works too, yet barely above

the minimum wage. He cuts meat for a living,

a honest job-yet does not count as high paying.

I do not consider us to be “greedy”people.

I also do not consider us to be”godless”.

he is an atheist and I am Wiccan.

She was attacking me,

verbally on the grounds of the sanctity of marriage & her ugly limited,

view of her God-not mine-not understanding-

I no longer follow her bible-

the law she swallows,

things we were taught as small children.

These beliefs instilled in her outrage,

that i could consider ending a loving marriage

just to earn a increase in monthly benefits…

She has not walked a mile in my shoes.

She does not understand how difficult it can be-

to subside on only $6,000 for an entire year.

Yes, I am married.

Yes, I do love my husband.

But is it wrong for me to want better for us?

When i have been looking for even a part-time job,

for over 18 months….

had countless interviews,

but no callbacks…

is it wrong for me to end a formality,

a paper contract between he and i,

that would increase my SSDI benefits,

by over double the amount they are now?

Is it fair to my husband,

that he pay for everything

and I do not pay my share?

She advised me to simply quit smoking.

This is a brilliant idea-

I often encounter by non-smokers.

As if it were simply that easy to stop?

Besides even if I did quit that would only free up 350-400$ per month.

Nothing like, the over $800 in benefits, i lost

by marrying my heart, true love, the man of my dreams.

At the time, I did not think losing,

all that money would be so hard.

At the time, just over 2 years ago,

I thought i would earn a nice income-

from a masters degree in art therapy.

but i did not.

and now, my older sister berates me,

on the importance of the sanctity of marriage,

and the strength of marriage vows.

Please do not beat me up with guilt,

over your limited and narrow definition of God.

That is not my God nor my Goddess.

We believe in separate things entirely.

Your ugly, limited view of God and all that

that must contain.

Beating me up with the Religion of my childhood,

Trying to prevent me from committing an unknown sin.

Your God is not my God.

My God does not sit upon a shelf,

trapped between ivory pages

of a little yet well known book-

that is used in many purposes to do more harm than good.

Sleeping slowly improving…

Since I’ve been back home-

I guess since Tuesday, or Weds or Thursday,

of last week- my sleep has been slowly improving.

 

This makes my husband very happy.

Although, I have been smoking

cigarettes, much worse than ever.

That is highly upsetting to him.

 

I try to explain that, no its not forever,

that i am trying to readjust to

the beauty which is

us.

 

That I am trying to cope,

with a hypo-manic stroke of luck-

a mild mania or mixed state,

It was not great, to have yet

another episode,

even if it was a smaller one.

 

My doctor says even though I have

been having more episodes than usual the past

2 years- that they all have been mild,

She sees that as a vast improvement.

 

It’s funny-in the strangest sense-

how many new people I met,

and how many did not really realize,

that something was a bit off with me.

 

The only ones who knew for sure,

were my husband-who i became paranoid of-

and my doctor-because she’s good

at her job and some sort of pro

at deciphering the Madness.

 

My sleep is getting better.

I am feeling much more relaxed.

All of which is good.

 

I’ve been in plans for leading

an Artist Talk-Art therapy workshop,

later this month,

We have been planning it at least 3 or 4 months.

 

The open art therapy studio and I.

I was kind of frightened I may,

have some sort of episode

and make an ass, of myself.

 

Now that I have had a shorter and milder

episode, all my meds were basically increased

so that means, I do not have to fear,

another episode for a while.