I sit here
at the edge.
Realizing that my life
is nearly half-over.
I just turned 39 roughly 8 weeks ago.
My concerns are much different
than the average Gal.
I’m blessed that genetically- i still get carded for things
I could easily pass for 20 something,
yet here i sit on the edge of 40.
Not many wrinkles, or even gray hairs-
none of that concerns me anyways.
My concern, is much more personal.
I feel like I have barely begun.
That I have not done much so far-in my life.
that I have so many dreams still to accomplish,
that I have yet to leave my mark or stamp on things.
that no one will remember me years hence
when I am gone.
It saddens me greatly-to have never had children.
I feel I have no legacy,
besides poetry and artwork,
and in times of twilight
those too will surely fade away.
I will be like the sand at the shore then.
The sand that goes in and out with the tide
disappearing at your feet
like it never was there really at all.
feeling a bit,
off-center, a bit out-of-whack,
feeling on the verge
dealing with issues of infertility,
feeling hopeless-like a sailsboat-without sails-
so instead of sailing-
i simply float-there-off-center.
Many other Women,
do this dance of infertility & madness,
it seems to always feel like its the woman’s fault.
although it may even be the mans…
that concept seems far-fetched and hard to grasp.
I hope, although I never bother to pray,
but i hope things will be different,
that somehow our childless lives will change.
Some women, chart their cycles religiously, take their basal temps each and every-day, using ovulation predictor kits, or invest in high cost treatments like IVF. I cannot afford things like ovulation kits or IVF treatments, or alternative therapies.
I can barely afford the one thing I’ve got:
a thing called Hope.
That’s all i got, and sometimes it does not feel enough,
as if, i am just mere inches away, from touching the sky.
Last month, pain was horrible. I wound up in the ER and diagnosed with 2 cm Ovarian cyst.
This month not only my mind, but my body has been playing tricks on me.
I swear, I’m having pregnancy symptoms despite my monthly bleed.
My period just was not heavy enough to be normal-even for me-and the PMS still has not gone away,
yet the bleeding did. It came 2 days early, I usually count day 1 as any spotting-but technically they say to start count from the first day of true blood. Which would mean i really only had a sort of period bleeding for only 2 days the other 3 were brown spots and inconsistent. I’m still having bad cramps, and i keep getting sick to my stomach, and my boobs hurt so badly when my hubby bite my nipple 2 days ago it still hurt 3 hours later. Food bores me-i have loss all interest. Even stuff i like fails to excite. Hate to say it-been pregnant before-feel that way again.
I’m sure tomorrow they will give me a hpt urine test before my MRI-
just off-center, feeling confused on what they will find.