thinking too much

thinking too much…

12/31/14

thinking too much…

about all this crap & such.

i’ve been walking the highwire

for quite a while

and i’ve been struggling to deal

with things

and wounds

and people

who never heal.

 

everytime i try

to reach out & ask for help

people look at me like

i am way beyond crazy.

 

as if i were not living in

an ultra stressful situation

with my own sanity

constantly in question?

 

i don’t even know

how many ways

i’ve attempted or even tried

to say:

 

this is far too much for me

to handle

this is far too much for US

to handle

this is far too much for your brother

to handle…

 

you take it for granted

that we will always take care

of her for You.

 

But what if I can’t?

What if I told you, it’s straining our marriage,

its too much to deal with

She is constantly on the offensive

I feel like I am always under attack.

 

Her constant complaining.

Her constant screaming, cursing and yelling.

Her never-ending depressions.

 

I have a Serious Mental Illness.

Christ-if you cannot deal with her,

with the hell makes You think?!

that I can??

 

I feel like trying to cut my wrists.

To bleed a bit.

Just to alleviate-all this pain.

 

i feel like i am losing my mind.

i feel like i am clearly insane.

i feel like you do not give a

damn.

 

How long do you expect us-

to deal with all this

Mother stuff?

 

When do I get what you have?

A peaceful house alone with my husband-

why is that impossible for you to

understand?

 

thinking too much…

about all this crap & such.

i’ve been walking the highwire

for quite a while

and i’ve been struggling to deal

with things

and wounds

and people

who never heal.

Resentment in my garden

Resentment in my garden-

I often turn to You

when I have problems or issues with

your Mother, because I cannot interact

with her the same way you do.

 

You act like I am such a Fool

for bothering You.

For asking you to handle certain things.

It’s unfair of You,

to get angry with Me-

 

for being unable,

to constantly be taking care of her

and her emotional turmoil

her constant waves

of instability.

 

You clearly expect Me,

to just shut up & deal with it.

Your at work!

This is not your problem!

You know what?

 

This is your problem!!!

She is Your Mother-not Mine.

I have more than enough

of my own issues.

 

So if I contact you -once in a

great while-please do not act

like it’s not your problem,

like I am the one

with all this dirt upon my hands.

 

You expect me & your youngest brother,

to just shut up & take care

of her all the time!!

 

there is resentment in my garden.

It grows there like ivy

I envy You

quite honestly.

You cannot even stand to be around her

for more than 30 minutes at a time…

Yet you expect me to pick up the slack,

and constantly try to deal with her

 

You could help the situation.

But you pretend its a non-issue.

For You perhaps it is.

there is resentment in my garden.

It grows there like ivy

I envy You

quite honestly.

You cannot even stand to be around her

for more than 30 minutes at a time…

Yet you expect me to pick up the slack,

and constantly try to deal with her

 

 

But for us, we deal with her daily.

 

24/7 no breaks involved.

It’s unfair to everybody involved.

Yet you refuse to see,

how being one of Your Mothers

caretakers-takes a toll on me.

 

The Weeping Widow

The weeping widow-12/31/14

Emily Sturgill

The Weeping Widow

She always is in a state of

emotional disarray, turmoil, nothing

can change or stop this

it never goes away.

The Weeping Widow

She is often at her wits end,

constantly in mourning

grieving each and every lost

relative or friend.

The Weeping Widow

relives each death like a cassette

tape on the rewind.

It is the only thing she focuses

on, her mourning, their deaths, her pain.

I watch her go through these moments

almost daily.

It’s obvious to me, she clearly needs

therapy, yet she refuses to go.

I am so unsure why Death

has such a huge hold on her,

but it does and she will not let it go.

It seems like everyday on our calendar is

a reminder-to her-of the death of someone

She once loved and lost,

she turns to me

confides in me

constantly

but I am unable to bear this burden

her cross

her loss.

I cannot replace who is missing-

all  I can do is offer to listen.

And then there comes this sharp ended

point where I cannot hear it anymore.

 

The Weeping Widow

relives each death like a cassette

tape on the rewind.

It is the only thing she focuses

on, her mourning, their deaths, her pain.

I watch her go through these moments

almost daily.

 

 

Super “Art Mojo” Creative Contest!! enter fast!

http://artoftracyverdugo.blogspot.com.au/2014/12/the-scoop-on-2014-and-my-biggest.html

please read the blog above AND if you choose to enter follow Tracy’s instructions and leave her a comment at the end on your plans for 2015 and your email info. If you win give me a shout out!!

Sincere Wishes,

Emily Sturgill

holisticartworks@gmail.com

Dream Big! Go Home!

Dream big or go home…

some might say,

its awful sneaky to

base a poem on

a cheap cliche.

But sometimes, there are good reasons

why sayings become cliches,

each bears a grain of sand or truth

each came out screaming out from earth

Dream big or go home…?

What’s that even mean?

It seems to me the greatest dreams,

happen often when I am resting

at my home in deep reflection.

But sometimes, there are good reasons

why sayings become cliches,

each bears a grain of sand or truth

each came out screaming out from earth

Words are the stickiest form of clay,

they fall off of lips,

they tremble, they sway, sometimes

too many words get in the way.

But a good cliche, is never ending,

is born anew with each generation,

a good cliche will leave you

guessing…

Go big or go home?…

For me being at home is the same

thing as living large.

Most cozy, comfortable, reading

writing, day-dreaming & thinking.

I love to write. To not write it all down,

it would be awful, its with the love of language

I feel most at ease.

How will I spend a New Year ?

How will this year be different then all the rest?

It’s all in your attitude.The truth lies deep down in

the corners of your eyes-

not in resolutions, or words of surprise!

It is to take it all in with one full breath

and live in the moment-

do not dwell in regret

or visit imaginary future plans

take the NOW you are given,

and shape it with your fingers and hands.

Make each moment count-each memory last,

treat time as precious

like a gift spun of glass.

Go Big!! Go Home!!

Dream Big, fill your home and fill your heart,

full of love, compassionate,

and even art.

Make a dream, then feed it each day, to keep it safe

to keep your dream alive,

whisper to it stories, secrets and songs

bundle your dream

to your minds eye

surround it with fuzzy clouds,

and walk lightly

carrying a big stick

not to protect against any enemy

but to thump onto the ground

in drumbeats of certainty

encourage your inner clown.

Spend 2015 with Happy thoughts, countless blessings,

poetry, passion, happiness and attention.

Enjoy each and every moment anew,

because technical it will be.

Decide in your mind

Dream Big, Go Big or go home!

Dream big or go home…

some might say,

its awful sneaky to

base a poem on

a cheap cliche.

But sometimes, there are good reasons

why sayings become cliches,

each bears a grain of sand or truth

each came out screaming out from earth

Dream big or go home…?

 

2014 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 3,000 times in 2014. If it were a cable car, it would take about 50 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

Awaken Freshly

Awaken Freshly-12/29/14

Emily Sturgill

i awaken way too early,

its just a fact of my bipolar story…

and my husband he sleeps

soundly.

as i awaken freshly.

wide awake-not enough sleep-

Wrestling with the morning

fighting with the Sun

telling it to go away

to leave me alone, scattered, messy

and undone.

Sometimes, the Secret Slumber is rather Elusive,

ghost-like, slippery, sneaking away

like a thief in the night.

Child-like, I have bad dreams

that disappear in the Sunlight.

Wishing I would-somehow-some-way

normalize

instead of fight the useless fight.

smashing

passion

into a garden of delight,

a garden of twilight,

a garden of no-light, a garden of darkness, a garden

which bears no fruit, except for one single red apple,

a serpent slipped me

and it weighs on me so heavily

like the burden

of all

femininity.

so I sit and stare,

and i awaken freshly

to dreams no longer

there.

 

Kindle 99 cent Sales!!! Ongoing!

SALES:

KINDLE COUNTDOWN DEALS STARTED ON SUNDAY 12/28/14-01/04/15

FOUR DIFFERENT TITLES WILL BE REDUCED TO JUST 99 CENTS:

 

1.”On the Brink letters to the Madness+poems & pictures (Rantings & Ravings Book 1) [Kindle Edition]”

TO BUY A REDUCED COPY PLEASE GO HERE:

http://www.amazon.com/letters-Madness-pictures-Rantings-Ravings-ebook/dp/B00B13BO96/ref=asap_B00B1GC5LY?ie=UTF8

Read an excerpt from Michelle Short’s book review:

Most Helpful Customer Reviews
2 of 2 people found the following review helpful
Format:Kindle Edition|Verified Purchase
“This is a bright and thoughtful collection of “memoir” offering, a blend/mix of poetry, paintings and photography. This is not a written memoir in story form. Ms. Sturgill’s richly detailed account of thoughts and emotions provides understanding of the thought process and her life experience of being affected by mental illness. To her credit, Ms. Sturgill has her Master’s degree in Fine Arts from Wayne University, Detroit, MI. where she lives with her husband and dogs.The isolation and the loneliness that separates those who are ill, the tangled threads, selling secrets/selling drama. The changing “Love Like This” Sturgill describes the randomness of falling in love with her husband Dean, better together than apart, his unconditional love and support. The longest piece/poem “Unread Book” is uniquely written about the soul/life blood of a book, eventually ending with comparison to the circus and circus clowns. “Falling to Pieces” an acrylic on canvas 1996, is my personal favorite, a soulful portrait of unspeakable beauty.”

2.”On the Brink letters to the Madness+poems & pictures. Vol 2″ (Rantings & Ravings) [Kindle Edition]

TO BUY A REDUCED 99 CENT COPY PLEASE GO HERE:

http://www.amazon.com/letters-Madness-pictures-Rantings-Ravings-ebook/dp/B00B2XHKW0/ref=asap_B00B1GC5LY?ie=UTF8

Read a blurb from Michelle Short’s review Here:

Most Helpful Customer Reviews
2 of 2 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars Interconnecting True Stories, Essay, Poetry and Art.. October 14, 2013
Format:Kindle Edition|Verified Purchase
” Beginning this second bold and courageous volume of “On the Brink..” is the metaphoric story of the Samurai and Witch. With references to a Zen Master, Gotham City, Batman, Catwoman, etc. this seems to have a juvenile child-like narrative. Next, an “Ode to the Ghetto” my favorite poem in this Chapbook, about Sturgill’s experience of being the only white cashier in an 8 Mile Detroit, MI. Target Store. The racist distain, a white speck on the color wheel of the black universe. “Story” is a combination of metaphoric poetry/essay about the birth of a story from a mother of conception. The words, images, forgotten phrases, eventually become paragraphs. The story savior, rebirth without Christianity, blends into an ongoing revealing comparisons to promiscuity. Words and more single words, seemingly poetry, following a manic run of thought process.In 1986 Sturgill’s favorite aunt died of kidney failure, and had a hard life impaired by alcoholism. This event seemed to set Sturgill’s teen years and family life on a negative, downward spiral. This is darkly and shockingly detailed in: “Ravings of a Lunatic.” Sturgill’s mother bought scotch in gallon containers, her parents fought fiercely and a great deal, yet her father remained the strong, shy, silent type doing almost all the cooking and cleaning. Being bullied at school, and seemingly becoming the family scapegoat over time, and the stressful poor family dynamic, led her to have severe depressive symptoms where she faced further misunderstanding and criticism from her immediate family. Sturgill was prescribed medication from her teen years, and formally diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder (manic-depressive illness) when she was 18.”

3.”Yesterday’s Flowers and other things.: poetry and art.” [Kindle Edition]

TO BUY THIS EBOOK FOR ONLY 99 CENTS PLEASE FOLLOW THIS LINK BELOW:

http://www.amazon.com/Yesterdays-Flowers-other-things-poetry-ebook/dp/B00HX46KLE/ref=asap_B00B1GC5LY?ie=UTF8

To read a section of  reviews please scroll down:

Most Helpful Customer Reviews
2 of 2 people found the following review helpful
Format:Kindle Edition|Verified Purchase
Everywhere I go I find a poet has been there before me. ~ Sigmund Freud‘Yesterday’s Flowers and Other Things: Poetry and Art’ is author/poet/artist Emily Sturgill’s 12th release in her chapbook series. Whether she is describing the surface levels or the deepest intensity of emotional states and experience, her words are daring, fearless, and articulate. There is often a vibrant richness in her paintings, drawings, mixed media/collage. Ms. Sturgill’s photography captures an expression, moment, or a specific place or theme. It is always up to her readers and followers to interpret individual meaning.The opening New Year poem: ‘Resolutions Fall Flatly’ Ms. Sturgill realizes the need to reinvent herself, meaning less coffee and cigarettes, a new year and person. There are several poems about her love of the freshly written, often random, words. Loose Leaf Paper, Poetry, Commercial, The Storyteller, Honeycomb,
‘The Art Therapist’ recalled putting picture pieces together, the light of hope and joy. Shadows carved out of Oak trees. The transformation of mood that meditation can’t achieve: ‘Music Therapy’. “Art Has Left The Building’ tells of the disappearance of inspiration.
‘Yesterdays Flowers'(theme): Flowers blooming secrets in the brittle dryness of winter.
‘She’ who loved Christmas, making cards and calligraphy writing. A loving memorial tribute poem of Ms. Sturgill’s mother.
The following poems describe the downside of mood disorder, the shadows, secrets, and final acceptance. Mania, A Messy Place, My Shadow Self, A Regression.

Read more ›

1 of 1 people found the following review helpful
3.0 out of 5 stars Poetry was good, art not so good May 26, 2014
Format:Kindle Edition|Verified Purchase
 
“Emily Sturgill is an incredibly talented poet and she displays just how skillful she really is in her amazing poetry and art book, “Yesterdays Flowers and other things.” The rhythm and solid flow of each line was perfectly constructed, and demonstrated with excellent writing skills! When you read this book, it will be obvious that the author is well aware of poetry mechanics. I really like the individual style Emily presented in this book as well! In addition to this, every poem I read was understandable and easy to read. They each sparked one, if not several different emotions and everyone knows that every good poetry book must hit you emotionally. Not only does Emily pull you inside of her world with her poetry, “Yesterday’s Flowers and other things”, but some poems beckon you to examine your own reality. I like the poem about the rocks, I use to collect rocks when I was little, so that poem was very interesting and fun to read. 11/15/23 Lucky Rocks. 10/6/13 Loose Leaf Paper is definitely my favorite! Overall, the ending is the key to the entire book! Emily did a great job on this book and I would recommend it to other poets and readers! Specifically, because of the form and technique. Surely, many poets could learn a thing or two.” Read the rest of this review on Amazon.com

 

4.”Spirals of Song and other poems”

TO GET THIS ONE FOR 99 CENTS AS WELL, FOLLOW THIS LINK HERE:

http://www.amazon.com/Spirals-other-poems-Emily-Sturgill/dp/1492968099/ref=asap_B00B1GC5LY?ie=UTF8

Here are the reviews:

1 of 1 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars An Illistrated Tribute to the Creative Spirit……….,January 21, 2014
Verified Purchase(What’s this?)
Spirals of Song and Other Poems is a deeply gratifying tribute to the creative spirit by author/artist Emily Sturgill M.Ed. ~ In the introduction, Sturgill discusses her blog: sexinthekitchensink@wordpress.com, especially grateful for the support of her husband, family, and her 200 plus readers and followers, she hopes to inspire others to draw, paint, “make art”, and write, as she promotes the healing and therapeutic process/effects of creative artistic expression.With her love and admiration for the written word, prose and verbs, awareness of random thought that weaves into a tapestry of words, she writes: “The Muse of Poetry”, “Spirals of Song”, and the addiction to words, where one or two poems a day is never enough.. “Poetry Junkie”.
“The Miscarriage Collages” illustrate the depth of personal loss, in two beautifully done collage pieces, a sharing experience for the benefit of others.
Blending into another form: Random (abstract) Art is illustrated with a bold striking zig-zag painting and another smoother swirl of abstract design. Sturgill explains how (in therapeutic art) emotions color the canvas, the healing that often takes place without the necessity of either the written or spoken word.
“Play Me” a poem of the readiness of musical instruments on standby, is illustrated with clip-art of a violin.
Inspired by the song “Sober” by pop vocalist Pink: “A Pink Poem” is of avoiding the decent into madness that leads to a hospital psychiatric ward. The poem “Love Letter” returns back to the expression of the written word.
Favorite Art Works: ~ Colorful Collage * mixed media 2013 ~ Zentangle * pen/ink drawing 2013 ~ Zentangle #2 * pen/ink drawing 2013 ~ The Peacock * acrylic/mixed media 2012.

All men are creative, but few are artists. ~ Paul Goodman ~
Emily Sturgill M.Ed studied art education and therapy at Wayne State University, Detroit MI, where she lives with her husband and pet family.
It is pleasure to review this amazing prolific series of artist chapbooks. Many thanks to Amazon for the Kindle Promotional Copy.

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1 of 1 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars Emily Sturgills review, November 20, 2013
Verified Purchase(What’s this?)
She really writes from her heart her own life struggles and is very insightful on lifes issues …very nicely written and illustrated

THIS SALE WILL ONLY LAST UNTIL jAN 4, 2015. iF YOU ENJOY MY fREE pROMOTIONAL DOWNLOADS ON KINDLE, ThEn, you might also enjoy my other titles too. It only costs 99 cents, per chapbook, why not try them all?

Autumn Anthology Update:”Dredging up Demeter:An Autumn Anthology.” Now available as pre-order.

I have made my newest Project a Poetic Anthology Available on Amazon.com as a pre-order.

HERE is a link:http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00RJFQNH8

As a pre-order, it is available, to be purchased in advance of its release. I am hopeful that I will be able to release it at the end of Feb around Feb 28th, 2015. The timeline is I have a new deadline for all of my poets involved. They have been notified of this in most cases by email. The deadline for all of their work is Jan 31st, 2015. Then Kindle Direct Platform -(KDP)-

gives me a deadline too, I must upload a finalized manuscript no later than Feb 18, 2015. Then it will be published on Feb 28, 2015.

This time, I went for a bit higher price-but only by $2. Basically the kindle version will be $3.33. I can always go back and reduce it. I can also revise my book description to include all the poets names as I did with my other Anthology. Any feedback is very welcome. I am asking each of my poets submit three more poems-so four in total-plus, if they wish a piece of artwork or photography, of their own original creation, that compliment their poetry.

I can be contacted via email at: sexinthekitchensink@hotmail.com OR holisticartworks@gmail.com Please put Autumn Anthology in subject line or Demeter Anthology.

Thank you, sincerely Emily Sturgill

Please feel free to vote on the poll below!

 

Kindle Countdown Smashingly Good Deals Starting tomorrow 12/28-01/04/15

SALES:

KINDLE COUNTDOWN DEALS STARTING TOMORROW SUNDAY 12/28/14-01/04/15

FOUR DIFFERENT TITLES WILL BE REDUCED TO JUST 99 CENTS:

 

1.”On the Brink letters to the Madness+poems & pictures (Rantings & Ravings Book 1) [Kindle Edition]”

TO BUY A REDUCED COPY PLEASE GO HERE:

http://www.amazon.com/letters-Madness-pictures-Rantings-Ravings-ebook/dp/B00B13BO96/ref=asap_B00B1GC5LY?ie=UTF8

2.”On the Brink letters to the Madness+poems & pictures. Vol 2″ (Rantings & Ravings) [Kindle Edition]

TO BUY A REDUCED 99 CENT COPY PLEASE GO HERE:

http://www.amazon.com/letters-Madness-pictures-Rantings-Ravings-ebook/dp/B00B2XHKW0/ref=asap_B00B1GC5LY?ie=UTF8

3.”Yesterday’s Flowers and other things.: poetry and art.” [Kindle Edition]

TO BUY THIS EBOOK FOR ONLY 99 CENTS PLEASE FOLLOW THIS LINK BELOW:

http://www.amazon.com/Yesterdays-Flowers-other-things-poetry-ebook/dp/B00HX46KLE/ref=asap_B00B1GC5LY?ie=UTF8

4.”Spirals of Song and other poems”

TO GET THIS ONE FOR 99 CENTS AS WELL, FOLLOW THIS LINK HERE:

http://www.amazon.com/Spirals-other-poems-Emily-Sturgill/dp/1492968099/ref=asap_B00B1GC5LY?ie=UTF8

THIS SALE WILL ONLY LAST UNTIL jAN 4, 2015. iF YOU ENJOY MY fREE pROMOTIONAL DOWNLOADS ON KINDLE, ThEn, you might also enjoy my other titles too. It only costs 99 cents, per chapbook, why not try them all?