Climbing 6/8/19

Haven’t showered in days.

Summer sticks to skin, Skin sticks to Skin.

hair is oily

lying in clumps.

motivation is secret and locked under key.


Something so simple

a clean hot shower

getting dressed-

Mt. Everest.


lack of self-care

just a symptom

of my bipolar disorder.


But I can fight.

I can climb those mountains,

and reach for the rain-

to wash away

all the dirt

of these feelings

to be clean again.

Summertime 6/8/19

Sitting with Stability

among the everyday,

in the corner

just out of eyeshot-

my depression begins

to creep in.

Growing slowly

like the ivy-

spreading small sprouts

of doubt.

little thoughts here and there

of sad seedlings, sad memories, sad thoughts-

a darkness not discouraged

by stability or sunlight.

But I won’t willingly

water this garden.


I’ll let it dry out in the Sun.

I’ll just watch it burn.

Book on Bipolar disorder, “A Brief Guide to Thriving for individual with mental illness and their loved ones.”

I reviewed this book on Good Reads last winter, I believe? But in case anyone missed it. It is worth mentioning here again on my blog. This book “A Brief Guide to Thriving for individual with mental illness and their loved ones.” is by Leesa Abbott, Psy.D I am also mentioning this work in particular because the Author has decided to release a personal memoir soon of her own personal struggles and triumphs living with a SMI-(Serious Mental illness) I am beyond excited about her new release and will let my readers know as soon as I know when that title does become available. Dr. Abbott is a University Professor, a professional poet & author, a mental health advocate who also does volunteer work for NAMI in her spare time. On top of all those things, she also leads a support group for teens struggling with depression while caring for her friends and family. Here is my Review:

“In this book, Dr. Abbott addresses several basic issues and concerns, which would be very useful to anyone diagnosed recently with mental illness, or that person’s friends and family.She presents a model of Recovery in five stages. Dr. Abbott writes that she adopted-(invented perhaps?)-this model, after studying similar models such as the well known 5 stages of Grief/ Loss or certain recovery from addiction models.However she contrasts her model by pointing out while other models are static, hers is not. She feels her model is more fluid-to me her model almost seems circular-although we both agree that a person in any process form of recovery from mental illness may repeat these stages or regress or progress at different stages.

As she points out many with mental illnesses may go in and out of these stages at any given time. Here are her five stages: 1. Psychological Changes 2. Self-Awareness of those changes 3.Receiving help.4. Acceptance of ones own mental illness. 5.Reaching out to others. She does explain not everyone will complete this entire process outlined. The last step is the hardest-to deal with stigma and to reach out to others in need-still suffering-while this is noble-not everyone is capable of this or even wishes to try this.(the author does acknowledge this fact.) Also in this book she recounts her own story of mental illness. I do wish that this section was longer and that she would have expanded. But this is a brief guidebook, I do understand why her focus is not on her personal experiences so much. She centers on the issues faced by those with mental illness and how to help.

This is an useful resource no matter what stage of recovery you are in. This book is ideal because it emphasizes two things; You are not alone and there are a multitude of ways you can help yourself.
One last thing I would like to add, is what the Author says about Hope: “The self-fulfilling
prophecy studied by psychologists, includes the idea that what we continue to believe about ourselves or our future will Eventually come to be. It’s essential to maintain a positive outlook about yourself and your future.”(2013, Abbott.L, p.26)”


Video and interview with the author, Dr.Leesa Abbott

a sinking feeling

a sinking feeling by Emily Sturgill 6/24/14

a sinking feeling
as the ship goes down,
and your leaving for work
as you kiss me goodbye

all I see on your face
is anger and hurt.

a sinking feeling
as the ship goes down,
your disappointed in me
once more again

somehow, some way I
have let you down again.
and there is no time
for words or apologies.

a sinking feeling,
as the ship goes down,
I can see with one look
your angry with me

a sinking feeling
as the ship goes down,
I do not even have or own
the magical words

of saying I’m sorry,
because you do not share
whatever wrong I’ve done.
this day is off to a rocky start.

a sinking feeling
as the ship goes down,
with one angry look
you cracked my heart.

split it halfways
like two sides
of a cracked raw
egg yolk.

a sinking feeling,
as the ship goes down,
as I sit here in a precursor to all my tears,
I know you’d throw me overboard in a second

hoping that this time
I would splash, sink, sputter
and finally

as the ship goes down.

The journey towards forgiveness

I do not usually post blog-style confesionals. I’m much more of a poet, than anything else. In fact in addition to my poetry online, I have been keeping multiple journals at home and handwritten. One is more private confessional journal type enteries and the other is mostly poems, ideas, and sometimes tarot readings I give myself or lists of things to do or lists of music playlists.

HERE…is mostly just where I share poems, unless I am all fired up. Today, I am all fired up and I think its vital to share because it might help others to move forward.

I am all fired up about the notion of forgiveness. In theory, I do believe it is better to forgive even if not forget or forgive ANd forget-whatever works best for you. But in practice I find this to be a slippery slope. i struggle very much on how to forgive, when to forgive and how to let go. Honestly, I hold horrible grudges. And they are horrible in truth because mostly they only serve to hurt me-myself-nobody else.

All that angry righteous high horse b.s. I desperately hold onto-a sense of who iswrong and who is right? Honestly, it does not serve me much any longer-in fact it wears me down, makes me feel guilty and mad, like an angry hornet shook lose from its nest.

so today, I was with my hubby and we were at the bookstore out of nowhere i spotted like the ideal book and he bought it for me with a couple other items. This book is called, “The forgiveness formula: how to let go of your pain and move on with Life.” It was on sale at barnes and nobles-only$6.98-hardcover-by author Kathleen Griffin. @2004.

I am only on pg 16 so far but this book is exactly what i needed to hear at this time. i am in fact blown away.I am just writing about this because forgiveness can be ajourney-a pathwy-towards feeling lighter-less burdened. And in my heart, i realize it is not an easy thing to forgive. That more folks than just myself struggle with it. Holding onto the past so tightly it only distorts your vision of the present moment and it poisons the well of your future happiness. This seems true to me.

Someday I really hope I can learn to forgive, hopefully sooner than later because all this angry i hold deep down inside-it only strangles me-making it harder to breathe making it harder to reign into my sanity. I realize i am not the only sufferer out there but by refusing to allow forgiveness its like picking a scab, bruised and bleeding-the wound will not heal. I know I will not heal either. By the way, I highly reccommend her book-so far its very good.

Re-release of Memoirs: New 4th Edition Now Available

Above is the kindle link to my 4th E
dition of “Memoirs recalled Madness: a personal account of living with manic depressive illness.”by Emily Sturgill. 2014.

After reading a book written by a friend, I decided to re-read my Memoirs and make more revisions. If you already have a previous copy on kindle you may update it by going to my kindle. If you do not have a copy, I have some good news-this ebook will be on Free promotional download starting this Weds 2/12/14-Sunday 2/16/14. You can use the link above to download a free copy starting on Weds.

If you prefer a paperback copy: please visit Createspace at: Amazon now has a matchbook deal as well where if you buy a printed paperback copy you can buy the kindle copy at a reduced rate. Currently my paperback is 8.5 x 11 white pages, some colored images, artwork and personal photos and roughly 90 pages long. It costs $19.99 but through the matchbook program a kindle copy will only run $2.99-normally the kindle version  is $9.99.

But as I said before this 4th edition will be FREE to download, Weds-Saturday of this week. The revisions I made concerned prior overlooked typo, grammar and spelling errors. Much of the content remained the same-I just really wanted it to flow more evenly for the reader. This style of confessional writing is not my forte’ -I do consider myself more of a Poet than a traditional Author. That being said, if you have ever been curious about mental illness or have friends or family with mental illness-my story does give a glimpse inside a bipolar mind. For more info please visit my links above and there were also 4 reviews of past versions. The most objective review came from Michel Short. She reviewed based on content and plot-rather than to critically examining any grammar errors. Thank you so much Michel. Thank you also to Cy Johnson for some early editing contributions and Thank you to Dr. Leesa Abbott for inspiring me to re-evaluate my own Memoirs. Leesa has written a book called ” A brief Guide to Thriving for Individuals with mental illness and their loved Ones.” by Dr. Leesa Abbott, 2013. I am hoping to publish a review of her work sometime in the next week.

new coverart memoirs recalled Madness no