I got a phone call
early today to set up,
yet another job interview.
Most would feel excitement,
eagerness like the way the dog pulls,
on his leash during a fun walk outside
on a fall day.
I do not.
I am scared to get my hopes up.
I have had many interview opportunities,
yet barely any job prospects,
to the point,
I must reflect,
I somehow interview badly.
So instead of excitement,
or eagerness, it is this fear
that grabs me.
It’s a bit like stage-fright.
It’s like walking a tightrope without/
and who will-?
catch me if I fall again?
Because I just might, stumble, stutter, fall
face-forward into this Stage-fright.
Falling, failing all over again..
covering myself with my “Ums”
as the guns go off/
as questions get fired at me/
will I just look like another
dimwit? Or worse yet,
will I be the babbling brook/
that never ceases to quit, its flow, spewing
out irrelevant data, due to a nervous
bipolar mouth twitch?
Is there a way to steady myself,
against more rejection/
as I tell myself I want to work
again-more than anything.
onto my Friday night.
Seeking inspiration, I stumble among
my large book collection.
I pick one up-flip through a few pages- and find this:
“I take the pieces of my brokenness and I create something new and meaningful. I offer this wisdom to others. Now I understand that my very brokenness is my connection to the unbroken whole.”
(Straub.Gail.(2001) Circle of Compassion-Meditations for Caring-for self and for the world. page 86. Journey Editions: Boston:MA.)
I ponder Ms. Straub’s meditation. It seems to me that in so many places, I
struggle with my brokenness. I stitch it together these shards of fragile self, like shards of broken glass.
I weave my brokenness into a sweater. I keep myself warm for more stormy weather.
How can I use my scars to heal myself?
How can I use my scars to heal others?
Is empathy always a two-bladed sword-if I feel for you, for your pain, am I also stabbing myself,
at least a small bit in my big and wounded heart?
And yet, I cannot stop it.
This endless sea of empathy.
I want to help everybody I meet.
I want to be useful, and unique.
I want to be the one who bandages others, comforts them, encourages them.
Yet, I wondered how can I reach outwards with my heart,
giving of myself-while I still bleed of emotions from time to time?
Is it right? Is it practical? Can I sacrifice my sorrows-just to give to,
someone else, a blessed and happy tomorrow?
Nervous Kinetic Enegry,
spirals out of the life of me.
Once had nerves of steel,
but now long gone-
so damn nervous, tell me this time-
what did I do or say wrong?
A Lady called me today.
Straight out of the big blue.
A person-a somebody-I didn’t knew.
She was asking about a job application I made-
nearly seven weeks ago…
She was pop-quizzing me,
as if I would recall the exact details
of the job or company.
I have been applying to so many…
its easy to lose track
its easy to lose track fast.
She almost scheduled the interview with me,
but something made her pause to say,
can i give you a call back???
I am left holding the bag,
wondering if I blew the whole thing already,
or if she will in fact call back,
Gosh, I hope so…I am sitting on pins and needles.
Way too much kinetic energy-
with no-place, to go.
I just know, that by now,
its high time, that I finally get a job.
I really need a job Now, not yesterday
nor tomorrow, but right away
in the present moment,
in the blink of an eye
and the wink of my tongue.
I need me some gluing
so I do not become