Beneath the Depths

Beneath the depths by Emily H. sturgill

written on sunday 11/10/13

Beneath the Depths-

off the deep end, the depth,

of a Dog.

a Jaded wish, golden green

emblazed,

with another:

Detroit Depression.

Staring, down the barrel of

Trust, as a Daydream.

Drawing Pictures of Picasso’s Peace-Motion.

Cover me in Oceans,

as the birds form,

my Sister’s Staircase.

Covered in sea-shells and glistening

in Sands.

She escaped Michigan,

for the Sunrise of Florida,

and the promises of Eternal

Sun-filled Days.

Here in Michigan,

I will stay, staring down,

another Detroit Daydream.

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Emergency: running out of dark chocolate soon!

I am sure many males of our species,

just would not understand,

but a lady’s gotta have her chocolate-

the darker the better,

this I know my husband completely misunderstands.

If it’s not labelled as “milk” it is not chocolate at all,

by his high standards.

i love the bitter-sweet way it rolls

around in my mouth,

the way it nasty-coats my teeth.

I’m down to my last two precious pieces.

No-cross that out and replace it with-one piece left.

Oh, hell i just ate that piece too,

what’s a girl to do?

It’s an Emergency!!! I’m running out of

bittersweet candy, chocolate made from gold.

Romantic bliss. Men go buy your Lady her favorite,

chocolate, the rewards will pay off double in the end!!

To seal the deal-buy her some roses too-just because,

to show her, how much she is loved.

Marriage remains undefined

There is a crack,

in the door.

The door is ajar, slightly opened

and peering inside

two lovers are intertwined.

This is not a scene for mass consumption.

This is between a man and a woman.

 

However, it could also be between,

two men or two women.

For Love resides both in hearts and minds.

Love is not limited by gender.

 

A private moment-

a soft caress

a union of two becoming one.

 

Best in private.

 

The beauty of the thing,

is in its nature, it is normal and natural,

to Love.

Although some are not ready to open their hearts,

and give much of themselves-

Beyond words,

Beyond Beauty-

Beyond a doubt.

(written in memory of Tyler.)

 

Love Letter

Dreams are made of paper.

They are Clandestine butterflies-flickering-

stolen words,

among stolen kisses.

 

Love lingers on

in a display-

of clenching fingers-

lightly coating,

a lover’s body,

in invisible fingerprints.

 

Creating a map

as two bodies

blend into one-

if only for a moment-

 

love lingers on.

Stuck on the serene

I’m stuck on the serene.
I am a fly caught by the sky of stars,
onto your cars dashboard’s glass-
smashing fast
beneath windshield wipers cast of silver.

the past is a postcard memory.
a momentary glismpe over my shoulder,
and a 35 cent postage stamp.

there is so much love here.
it covers me, endlessly.
until i breakout like an allergy.
feeling the rash of never belonging/nor…
being worthy of all the love
he sends to me.

I’m a broken down rabbit earred TV screen.
stuck on static and white noise.
i am broken into too many
ancient places
to be fixed by your hi-fi definations.

I am the broken down pay-phone,
in the mental ward which only takes
quaters, and everybody is fresh out,
sadly giving me longing looks of too much pain.

I am the peeling paint job
on the oldest wooden house
abandoned ob our block
windows nailed shut
front door busted into
filled with the evils of crime, rodents of luck and opportunistic stray cats.

I am the fever which makes you sweat.
my heat intensifies
under a heating blanket, some fiction
and a bodybag of a corpse filled to the brim:
with lies.
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Tears fill my eyes leaking out at the corners…

Tears fill my eyes, leaking out at the corners…

is the love i thought i knew,

the love i thought i had with you.

 

Did you ever really love me?

Are you even capable of that?

now, that i have escaped both your grasp,

and your liars heart…

i can listen to my inner voice inside

my head, warning me that you

 

are a very dangerous man indeed.

warning me to not fall for the pity-trap.

to close my ears while you say,please.please.please.

Listen, i will change.

 

and I guess in all this time;

to your credit, you did change

except its for the worst.

 

How did i fall for this?

Was i really so desperate,

for anybody to love me-that

i settled for you???

 

Somebody who loves to love,

and somebody who hates that which

he loves, as a vicious abusive-controlling

mind game.

 

it hurts me deeply-

to realize now after 13 years,

i never knew the real you.

 

it was all stage lightening and fake drama.

you were always an actor,

playing a part,

yet also a wolf lunging for my heart.

 

You could paint a nice story

with words alone. My family adored you.

But they were without all the facts.

 

And i was too scared to tell them on you.

the emotional, mental abuse was more often

then the physical stuff.

 

Despite my Daddy telling me, “Do not ever let a man put his arms on you in anger.”

“Don’t ever let a man hit you.”

Despite these facts-i choose only to see your halo.

The one i gave to you.

 

If only i would have stared harder-

i would have seen it as broken, rusty

an obtusity.

Life is messy too, not only artwork.

Life is messy too.

Not just Artwork, self-expression, painting, drawing,sculpture, photography…

writing for example is another messy art;

thinking of things like:

libel,copyrights,slander,plagiarists, tabloid-journalists,badly written poetry,poorly written novels…..writers block.

But Life, on the other hand is frequently a different landscape,

altogether, a big terrain of heavily soiled tears.

disappointments, family feuds, emotional problems,

irrational and faulty logic,

thrown upon you,

like a fistful of sand.

then there are those persons,

who bully,cheat and lie.

Yes, as the saying goes, no one said life was easy.

or if they did, clearly they were mistaken or

simply full of shit.

no, life is a messy place.

A child’s hand-prints on the door-frames,

dog-prints on the muddy kitchen floor,

lipstick on a collar,

a cat who shits outside its litter-box.

 

Changing an baby’s dirty diaper.

house-training a puppy-dog.

Telling somebody you love them but…

you do not like living with them anymore?

How do you even do that?

I don’t even know.

 

I passed the ball to my husband.

He is dreading the conversation he

must have with a family member later.

 

I would not want to bring the subject up my own self-

I’m chicken-little, I don’t want to see the sky fall

down.

But Life is very messy.

if it wasn’t

i doubt i would love, living half as much.

Love: you are always there for me.

Love like this-

has always been strange,

I am so fortunate, that I found you-

so many years ago.

Love like this-

expects nothing in return yet

gives me everything,

I’ve ever wanted or needed.

You are the one, who picks me up when i fall.

You are my everything, the one I can count on.

You make me laugh, even when I am sad.

You make me feel good when before I felt bad.

You tolerate my roller-coasters of emotions,

and try your best to encourage me, to support me,

despite all the times I become crazy.

You are always there for me.

I know, sometimes, I don’t make it easy-

but with you, there is a calming effect.

You are the wind that calms the waves of my troubled sea.

You are the Sun that warms me.

You are the ground that steadies  me.

Among all else,

you are my best friend too.

You are the man I love most

with eyes of blue,

many illustrated tattoos,

a hairy Buddha belly,

you are wonderful and ALL mine.

Even after all these years, I know, I am the lucky one.

It’s funny to me, that you feel lucky to be with me.

I’m a  trouble-maker.

But I love you the best way I know how.

I try to make you happy.

I am glad you finally married me.

I think I am the lucky one,

lucky indeed.

 

Haunted part 2

Not just one,

but 2 ghosts made out

of human vice.

 

I’ve been haunted,

by the second one for over a decade.

It’s the memory which lingers,

like a stain of lipstick

round the coffee cup chipped china.

 

The bluest eyes-or stormy sea-form green?

I cannot remember too vividly.

Probably, because your memory scorns me.

You were something other-worldly.

 

You were like a blast from my past,

that i do not recall having.

You were an enigma wrapped up in secrecy,

novel and random, with your apple slices,

of honesty.

 

You never meant,

to mark such a mark on me.

And I think you were quite accustomed,

to various woman falling

all over themselves

to fall in love with you

 

 

but no not me.

i looked into those soulful eyes,

and got a little lost in the stormy sea.

I did not sway, waiver or pray.

I did not fall all over myself-falling into

love or lust over you.

I did something far worse to you…

I ran, not even walked, I ran away RAN away-

 

from you from everything,

from everybody,

I just took off-

and you knew where-

 

I was headed for more looney bins, more psych units,

more doctors to cure me,

of all my pagan delusions,

and flights of fancy.

 

You knew the mistake i was in.

You knew the mess I had been.

You lived it before your own self.

 

You tried to warn, then beg, then plead,

I refused to listen, i think i just hung up on you.

Years later, I found you again-must have been 5 yrs later.

We met by accident in downtown Detroit.

 

You flirted, you blink your lovely eyelashes at me.

I never took for a moment the possibility

that you were being serious with me.

 

You were concerned, that I was wondering around homeless.

You tried to describe where you lived, but i was way too far out.

I should have went home with you.

But I did the easy thing, i ran away again.

I never did understand the strange connection we had.

I never will understand

why the memory of you,

somebody i barely,

knew,

 

still haunts me, to this day.

you were the original magick man.

even though you were the second one I ever met…

 

there was some way we

just connected,

that made absolutely no sense to me.

 

If I did believe in things like

karma, love at first sight, soul mates

any of that-it would make me miss you even more.

 

but if you popped back into my life,

tomorrow,

i would probably run fast

like my ass was on fire.

 

I did marry for love,

and I do love him, and we are very happy.

 

But somehow, i have never

completely gotten over you,

you left a thumbprint on my

heart-which later turned

a memory into

a scar.