Off-center

feeling a bit,

off-center, a bit out-of-whack,

feeling on the verge

of another;

Panic Attack.

Feeling off-center,

dealing with issues of infertility,

feeling hopeless-like a sailsboat-without sails-

so instead of sailing-

i simply float-there-off-center.

Many other Women,

do this dance of infertility & madness,

it seems to always feel like its the woman’s fault.

although it may even be the mans…

that concept seems far-fetched and hard to grasp.

Each month,

I hope, although I never bother to pray,

but i hope things will be different,

that somehow our childless lives will change.

Some women, chart their cycles religiously, take their basal temps each and every-day, using ovulation predictor kits, or invest in high cost treatments like IVF. I cannot afford things like ovulation kits or IVF treatments, or alternative therapies.

I can barely afford the one thing I’ve got:

a thing called Hope.

That’s all i got, and sometimes it does not feel enough,

as if, i am just mere inches away, from touching the sky.

Last month, pain was horrible. I wound up in the ER and diagnosed with 2 cm Ovarian cyst.

This month not only my mind, but my body has been playing tricks on me.

I swear, I’m having pregnancy symptoms despite my monthly bleed.

My period just was not heavy enough to be normal-even for me-and the PMS still has not gone away,

yet the bleeding did. It came 2 days early, I usually count day 1 as any spotting-but technically they say to start count from the first day of true blood. Which would mean i really only had a sort of period bleeding for only 2 days the other 3 were brown spots and inconsistent. I’m still having bad cramps, and i keep getting sick to my stomach, and my boobs hurt so badly when my hubby bite my nipple 2 days ago it still hurt 3 hours later. Food bores me-i have loss all interest. Even stuff i like fails to excite. Hate to say it-been pregnant before-feel that way again.

I’m sure tomorrow they will give me a hpt urine test before my MRI-

just off-center, feeling confused on what they will find.

word soup

wanton flavored word-soup

spilling syllables all over the damn place,

sipping secrets and slurping words

of wisdom and of choice.

word-soup, filled with vowels,verbs, and maladies.

hot soup-

burns the lips and throat

sooner than later,

i begin to choke, on a swallow-full

of paragraphs, chunky vegetables, pasta galore.

a sentence here or there,

stumbles down a dribble down

my chin.

word-soup better to serve hot,

but not boiling, hot not warm, best to SIP slow.

sipping, slipping, seldom

into serenity,

sipping into possibilities,

sipping up the warm hot stories,

sipping the sunshine of

a single stanza

of a poet’s principles.

Music, madness,magic

melting into a word soup-

brewing into alphabet

tangled letters strung

together tasting them onto

my tongue-

do not be wasteful.

savor every bite

of this wanton flavored word soup-

take a deep sip-swallow and then,

begin to write.IMG_20130331_134503Art photos 1.17.13 024IMG_20130330_093314IMG_20130203_203008

feeling awful

feeling awful

dreading tomorrow…

have another MRI;

scheduled for renal masses,

bilateral poly-cystic renal masses

PKD, various word-soup

that says all sorts of

invisible maladies

are fighting inside me.

And, later on in May-

I’m off to the Nephrologist’s office.

a 25 cent word meaning-

kidney specialist or kidney doctor…

This month,

my Endometriosis has also been killing me.

The pain is way too intense-

and my periods been,

so entirely,

fucked up; i am starting to wonder,

if the miracle happened,

and i got pregnant again?

So extremely, terrified of just

about everything at this point.

pregnancy or kidney disease or kidney cancer,

a roll of the dice,

my Fate will tell me

what is wrong.

My MRI is scheduled for tomorrow

night at 7:50 pm EST.

I’m feeling awful

about everything…as much as we want children,

I already have 2 miscarriages,

under my belt,

only been pregnant by the same man,

He’s my husband now,

but i do worry,

we have different RH factors.

people say its no big deal-yet it sounds

like one. Basically he has positive blood type,

mine is negative. 85% of the population does

have positive blood types. My concern

is if we do get pregnant again and our

baby has positive blood which is more common,

my body would attack the baby

and abort it.

They do have shots they can give the mother to prevent

that from happening.

Our different RH factors,

may have nothing to do with;

my previous miscarriages.

I’m just scared. I’m getting too old-almost 39-

really would not want to lose

another baby, not this time.

Religion makes me very uneasy…

Religion makes me very uneasy.

The one i believe in, versus the one you preach from.

Pulpit, and preacher, your Bible tells you what to do.

How nice and refreshing, that must be for you-even comforting.

I am glad you have found “your-way.” (cough,cough,cough)

Please do not force your opinion of God, down my throat,

my throats been kinda dry, i may just throw up or choke.

Pulpit, and preacher, your Bible tells you what to do.

How very nice for you…. but do not go out, trying to “Save my Soul.”

I was both baptized and confirmed very very very, long ago.

Under your golden rule-book that means “I’m saved.”

But do not make assumptions, about things, you do not understand.

My Religion is older than yours is. I worship a pantheon of Gods and Goddesses, how dare you to assume, that I am something, some call “Satanic”.

I do not even believe in Satan, or the Bible or God, as you misrepresent him.

If i mention one small iota about my religion, my Goddess, or Tarot Decks or an New Age belief, If I damn please

-then you are horribly offended.

That is the role in life you choose for you-not me-now,

do i get all hysterical and go off

on you because you mention you are “praying” for a friend.

Or making endless face-book quotes- on how much you love Jesus?

Do I ever try to tell you, that loving Jesus is a Sin??? No. No. No. Not at all.

I respect your beliefs, so please can you just,

re-consider accepting mine are different, from yours, and leave it at that.

The Great European Witch-hunts were over, many ages ago.

 

How about we do not bring them back?

Why am i so defensive?

Well, because you’ve got me under attack.

please keep your rosary to yourself, the same goes for your evangelical preaching.

If you wanna go throw a bible in my face, I’m going to simply say

, Jesus taught you to, “love thy neighbor as thyself.”

Religion makes me very uneasy;

in fact i feel a little queasy.

play on words

it’s a play on words,

you’ve heard the expression,

i’ll bet-ever wonder what it meant?

Me too. Is a play on words,

a satire? Or an allegory? A metaphor?

A Simile?

Some sarcastic S.O.B-lost in the sea-of his own,

word-fish? an invention of putting nonsense words together.

Strung along in a row, like the finest beads…

wearing a necklace as you go,”Hello.” and “thank-you, please.’

 

It’s a play on words-sorta-day.

silly nap-cat

sleeping in my lap,

as she-

stretches paw-wards, and towards,

my computer-lap-top-keys.

 

Its a play on words,

kinda day…

just got word that,

one of my many “in-laws”,

is worried over my well-being,

again.

 

Oh, Joy, its just a nice way,

of saying, we thinking you’ve

gone crazy again, oh crap!

Some manic-expression,

no not I.

Not now, not this time…

but thanks again for asking….

Truth be told,

I’m just mostly stoned,

taking prescription pain meds-

for my Endometriosis again…it makes

me a bit high, but not like mania.

 

Mania is a big, huge, high-one which I

cannot control nor hide nor lie.

this is more like static interference,

on the tv screen of my brain.

 

no, don’t worry,

I have not gone back,

to that land called crazy.

 

for now at least,

i am fine.

i understand your worries, concerns and fears.

but right now they are un-founded.

 

When its the real deal-

you really do not even have to ask-

its quite obvious.

 

Screaming like the tight RED RED RED, dress

on my back with the over the top make-up,

and the nonstop clatter of chatter,

from these lips.

 

While, it hurts me that your asking,

it does make me feel better,

that at least,

you do really care.

(even if you are wrong this time)

 

2 possible (new) ideas for e-books

My husband and I have been chatting since i started the kindle direct publishing, self-publishing, back in Jan. He feels I should put together a book that is all and only artwork.

Is this of interest to anybody? Do you want to see more art? Would you buy a kindle e-book or paperback of only my artwork? You’ve seen samples of my art in my poetry/artist chapbooks? Thoughts comments???

 

The second idea is putting out a book on art therapy ideas/projects. We call them art therapy experientials. I have many that I came up with and used during my two primary art therapy internships, but originally i did four internships-the other two, one was with VSA of Michigan-they teach art skills to disabled youth and teens. I did enjoy that site very much, the people were nice. I just had little interest in teaching kids technical skills relating to graphic art and design. First of all, I’m bad at that type of very structured “tight” artwork-things like perspective drawing and still-life drawings. Secondly, they already had a hired professional graphic artist and teacher there on site. Last, I prefer actual art therapy. This was not about creativity or self-expression-it was about the technical side of drawing. The other site, was a soup kitchen I was mistakenly sent to for only one session!! There was some mis-communication.They already had enough AT interns-they thought I was there as a Grad Student Researcher-opps! There was a fifth site but it too only lasted one day. The person in charge was very high strung, very high drama, and as somebody with a mental illnes, I require some structure-which her program was sadly lacking.

 

Obviously, a book of art therapy project ideas will probably only interest art therapists….unless there are artists out there willing to read such a book as a self-help, tool. Would anybody be interested in books like these? Please leave comments, feedback here for me, i almost always post such comments thank you.

get yours before they are gone!!! only 6 hours left to download.

possible coverart1 copy

The free promotional period on my most recent poetry and artwork chapbook expires tonight at 11:59 pm. It is still not too late if you have not downloaded your free kindle copy.

just go to my Authors page at amazon.com. It is http://www.amazon.com/author/emilysturgill then click on kindle books, “once, i was the rain: poetry and artwork” is the first one listed. Normally the kindle version is $6.99 and the paperback version is either 10.99 or 11.99$-i cannot recal at the moment BUT getting it for FREE. Sounds like a good deal to me!

if you download it and dislike it later you can always just delete it from your kindle library.

******Note: if you do not own a kindle, tablet or e-reader, Amazon offers a free kindle app-that workswith most PC’s-(personal computers.)

Just go to http://www.google.com, and type in this exact phrase,”free kindle app for the PC” that should bring up a direct link to download a kindle app for your personal home computer. It’s safe to download but double-check you are on Amazon’s website for this app.

I wanna get a new tattoo

I have not gotten any more tattoos since my last major mania in summer 2007.

I have one, in mind, i have wanted a really long time. It’s of a tarot card from the very first tarot deck i ever owned. My husband is against this because he claims that the Tarot freaks some people out AND while i know he is right, the inner gypsy in me cannot stop longer for this tattoo. His other argument is invalid-it concerns my ability to get a job. The reason that that argument is completely invalid is i already have tattoos all over my arms which when and if employed i will have to cover anyways-so one more on my arm, will not make a difference to anybody but me, and i feel it would make me happy. Because I have wanted this tattoo for a very long time now.

 

My loving hubby has no room to critque, argue, or talk anyways. The guy has an entire sleeve tattoo on his right arm and an entire back piece too. Part of why i fell heads over heels for him was all his tattoos-he has way more than i do, and it makes me feel left out.

My sister-in law, does tattoos-she did my last one in fact. I just do not know if she would be willing to do another, because i have no job, i cannot pay her anything. I offered to “barter” a painting in exchange-we’ll see-she probably will say no. But its worth a shot. Geez, its been 6 years since i got any new ink.