Blissful

Blissful- 10/28/19

I have so much
A beautiful home
food and shelter
clean drinking water
enough food to eat
a happy marriage
a handsome husband
a large loving extended family.

i have everything I wanted.
I have everything I need.
So much joy, laughter and happiness-
despite my battles with
Mental Illnesses.

I realize how very lucky
I am in this single moment.
And I am grateful
that the Universe always provides.

I say that this is good enough
and I am blissful.

Treading Water

Treading Water 10/28/19

Some tread with Angels.
Some tread with Gods.
Some tread with Goddesses.
Some tread with Artists.
Some walk with
Muses.
Some walk with Writers.

I tread lightly.
I am treading water again.
Sinking and rising,
I tread lightly.

I walk with Poets.
I sing the unsung song.
As the Earth meets
my feet
I tread where I belong.

Swimming with sharks

Swimming with Sharks 6/15/19

Summer brings warmer waters.

Summer welcomes beautiful oceans,

and breathless seas.

Sandy white beaches, scattered sea shells and

thrilling deep diving.

Summer brings tranquility, solace and happiness.

Be wary of that deep dive and all those thrills however…

Summer’s warm waters also brings

sharks closer to the shores.

Before you know it if your not careful

you’ll be swimming with sharks

turning the beauty of the ocean

into a scarlet tide

not only dark red deep

but terrifying

what once was so beautiful

can turn on you

you’ll be lucky if you make it out alive.

you’ll be lucky if you survive.

and that’s how I feel

as I struggle with my manic-depression.

It contains all the beauty of the entire ocean

but the sharks swim there too.

Broken

Broken- by Emily H. Sturgill

Broken Brain

Bipolar disorder broke my brain in two poles.

With my medications I walk a tightrope between these poles

depression and mania…..I try daily to slip into the inbetweenness of these two things.

medicine helps but it does not cure. It only helps to contain a balance of semi-stability.

So yes I”ve got a broken brain.

Also I’ve got a broken Uterus. I have Endometriosis Stage 4. A fancy way of brokeness…

I hurt a lot of the time. It’s the worst whenever I am bleeding. Crumpled into layers of pain cramping aching stabbing screaming agony of pain. I’m hurting today in fact. Despite my period not due for two more days my broken uterus spits brownish blood and I know that means to hell with the calendars my period’s starting early. Up until 2015 I was taking opiods for the pain. Then I went through the process of applying for a medical marijuana card. I got off opiods. Now instead of pain daily from my endometriosis I’ve only got pain during my periods and during ovulation…..

A broken Uterus. A history of Infertility. Two pregnancies=Two miscarriages.

It’s a fancy form of brokeness. It’s a double whammy. A broken brain. A broken Uterus.

But deep down inside beneath all of the broken things is my poetry is my stories is my spirit and my soul-even beneath all of that is my heart which is strong unflinching warm and consistently unbroken. It beats on and on-unbroken. And beneath this broken brain and broken uterus is an unbroken girl grasping at straws and pulling like weeds from the ground fistfulls of words which fall to my feet into puddles of poetry.

January Kindle Deals and Freebies!

In Jan 2019 I have two of my kindle ebooks on Kindle Countdown Sales. The first is my collection of artworks called “Art before Words.” The normal kindle price is $9.99 but starting tomorrow Jan 11,2019 at 8:00AM PST it will just be 99 cents. Between Jan 12-16th the price will increase by $1.00 per day until it hits $4.99.It will stay $4.99 until Jan 18th 12:00 AM PST. My second kindle e-book on sale is a book I was fortunate enough to edit. It’s a wonderful anthology of poetry by various poets I met through my blog. It’s called “Dredging up Demeter: An Autumn Anthology of poetry.” Edited by Emily H. Sturgill. It’s normally priced at $3.33 but under this sale from Jan 11,2019 at 8:00AM PST it will be available for only 99 cents. On Jan 14th the price will increase to $1.99 and will stay that price until Jan 18th 2019.

Freebies in Jan 2019.

I have six ebooks that I am offering free promotions for. The first one is called,”A mandala that happened on the way to a car crash & other stories.” This will be free starting today Jan 10,2019 at 10:00AM PST until Monday Jan 14th at 11:59 PM PST. This is a really exciting book for me to write. Primarily I do write mostly poetry but this book is my first attempt at short stories and fiction. I would love any feedback my readers can give me if they choose to download this book and read it. You can leave feedback on my Author’s page at http://www.amazon.com/Emily-Sturgill/e/B00B1GC5LY.

The second freebie is my very first ebook, “Sex in the kitchen sink: poetry and art.”by Emily H. Sturgill. It will be free starting tomorrow Jan 11th 2019 12:00AM-Jan 15th 2019 11:59PM PST. The third free book is a collection of poetry called “Red Bones.”by Emily H. Sturgill. It will be free starting Monday Jan 21, 2019 12:00AM PST-Jan 25, 2019 11:59 PM.

The fourth e-book that will be available for free downloads is very special to me. It is my very first Anthology of Poetry. It was started as a project on this blog asking for poets to submit their work. Normally it only costs 99 cents but you can get it free from Jan 21st 2019 at 12:00AM PST-Jan 25th at 11:59 PM. All of my books are available by visiting Amazon.com at this link: http://www.amazon.com/Emily-Sturgill/e/B00B1GC5LY. This wonderful Anthology is called,”Help Wanted: poets please apply.” Edited by Emily H. Sturgill.

The last two freebies are older ebooks on the kindle by me. They are both poetry collections. But they both deal with aspects of my bipolar disorder. My fifth free ebook is called “On the brink letters to the madness+poems & pictures,” and my sixth free ebook is it’s sequel “On the brink letters to the madness+poems & pictures Vol 2.” both are free starting Jan 28th 2019 at 12:00AM PST-Jan 30th 2019 at 11:59PM PST.

All of my poetry and artist chapbooks can be found at Amazon.com.

Please follow this link if your interested: http://www.amazon.com/Emily-Sturgill/e/B00B1GC5LY.

A Hero like me

I need a Hero somebody like me at my best

I need a Hero somebody with all of my goodness none of my weakness.

I need a Hero somebody who is stable who has their stuff together.

If I could reach inside my inner mind and find

a seed of strength and inner peace I would try to become

my own kind of Hero. I wish I could find this other me

the one who has stability.I lose parts and pieces of myself during

my bipolar episodes. I’m still reeling from last summer’s mania.

Yes I need a Hero somebody like me at my best.

Lost

Lost in stardust, lost in daylight, lost in thoughts.

I even lost an old poem I’d written.

I had posted it prior to this blog in 2011 on yahoo.com’s associated content but

the link no longer works. I cannot find which journal I had written it in.

It was called ” The Table top poem.” by Emily Sturgill.

It figures that I would lose that. I lose everything eventually and especially my mind.

I have not been blogging. My poems do not flow. They are stuck to the roof of my mouth tasting like so much cigarette ash. The words clog up.  Feeling sort of lonely but good to be alive. Lost in stardust, lost in daylight, lost in thoughts.

 

Book Review:”Professional patient: A memoir of Bipolar Disorder.”by Leesa Abbott Psy.D

Book Review: “Professional Patient: A Memoir of Bipolar Disorder.”

By Leesa Abbott, Psy.D. (2015)

A book review by Emily H. Sturgill, M.Ed, BFA

(Art Therapist with over 20 years experience living with bipolar type one disorder.)

The first 77 pages of this memoir cover Mrs. Abbott’s childhood, adolescence, and young  adulthood in very stark and honest details. Despite this being the author’s first memoir she seems to have mastered the craft of such writing. After 77 or so pages, I felt that her writing was so compelling it was necessary for myself to mark and highlight certain sections of her text.  On page 77 she describes in her role as a mental health professional encountering all types of people. In particular she details the struggles of interacting with persons baring personality disorders or traits of such disorders. She comments that,  “I do know that simply responding to people who have challenging personality traits with a softer, non-escalating response can change the dynamics.”(Abbott .L.p.77) She goes on to describe an encounter with a young child and his mother. She explains in depth that,

”Sometimes people have a thick layer of defenses but it is possible to connect with the wounded person inside. It does require patience and ability to ignore misguided anger.” While this is sensible and logical advice I find it more than a bit ironic. In my own experiences as a Graduate Student studying Art Therapy our professors advised us that clients with such personality traits made for difficult clients and we may wish to avoid taking on such clients unless we specifically were trained to work with them.

Dr. Abbott’s advice on the topic seems to make much more sense and also highlights her skills at helping others.  The Author speaks rather frankly on the duality of the roles in her life as both mental health professional and mental health consumer. Not only is she a counselor, a healer, a therapist but also a client herself. This gives her a unique vantage point.

Later in her book she sums up a personal account of her own depression. She tries to explain the distorted thought processes someone who is depressed goes through.

“I tried to get rid of as many personal items as possible I believe as a way to start making myself disappear. It was as if the fewer belongings I had the closer I was to not existing

at all.”( Abbott.L. p.99)

Often a common sign of depression can be a person giving away all of their belongings. On the next page she talks about her illness as a “dirty little secret.” And her own battle to keep these two worlds in her own life separate. Later on page 109 she discusses a hospitalization for her own bipolar disorder, “I didn’t see how I was similar to my roommate and the rest of the people on the ward. I felt different because I worked in the profession. I felt I had a secret that must be protected at all costs. I also felt my illness wasn’t as serious as theirs must be. Of course I realized later in life with 20/20 hindsight that was untrue.”(Abbott.L.p.109)

Most of her memoir she struggles to find balance between Mental Health professional and Mental Health Client. Sadly, there is such a stigma left in our society especially in America and much of that is rampant among mental health professionals.

During the second half of her book the Author constantly discusses this push and pull between wellness and becoming unwell. There is a conflict between being a caring compassionate professional in this field and the shameful isolation in being a unique person with their own diagnosis.

One of my favorite parts comes near the end of the book. It is here we see her as a caterpillar finally shattering the cocoon of stereotypes and growing her wings. Back on page 77 she gives the reader a quote from Mother Theresa, but I see many ways on how this quote is echoed throughout the Memoir itself. “Do not think that love, in order to be genuine, has to be extraordinary. What we need is love without getting tired.”(p.77) The Author in many ways embraces her own self through love, self-love and love for others as well. She accepts she is a butterfly. She accepts that she is also a coin with two faces. Her inner conflict seems elegantly resolved as she reflects that.

“One day I had an epiphany.” This leads to much description of the need to develop her own self-worth for herself. She details this development of self-worth along her journey.

“The feeling of confidence and that I deserve the good things that come my way had to come from with-in me. I had to forgive myself and cherish myself. I had made mistakes-big ones, whoppers, but I am human. I also had accomplishments, accomplishments that I had achieved despite mental disorders I didn’t ask for.”(Abbott.L.p.207)

I feel that this is not just another personal memoir but also it’s a story about living a double life. I’m willing to bet that many other professionals across a wide range of careers are also leading double lives-secretly struggling with a mental illness too. People who might be afraid if the word got out about their illness they might lose or ruin their entire careers. That stigma in and of itself would result in them being shunned by their peers. That of course is unacceptable yet things like that cause discrimination all the time. What is so beautiful about Dr. Abbott’s memoir is she gives us a road map of how to come clean. She describes in full detail her manias and depressions-this disease and how it has impacted every angle of her life. It’s really a personal account about transformation. To go through the steps to become a professional in the mental health field, to later being diagnosed as having bipolar disorder to lastly becoming an Advocate for those with mental health issues through her work with NAMI. She takes that journey with us-her readers-and at the end she re-emerges not broken into a two side coin but whole and united as a Mental Health advocate. This is a great book to give insight into how it feels to have a mental illness and just because you have one-that does not mean you cannot become whole and embrace yourself like a brilliant butterfly. To buy your own copy follow this link here:http://www.amazon.com/dp/1312218797/ref=rdr_ext_tmb

To buy a copy of this book  you can buy through Amazon.com or also through Barnes and Nobles Booksellers. It is $19.99Leesa Memoirs cover