Being bipolar can really suck sometimes…U

The nature of the “crazy-beast” is that when you are crazy, or going crazy then you do not believe you are crazy.

I know that there is a cliche about that, but unlike most cliches, this one is definitely true.

I know first-hand, because I am “bipolar 1-with psychotic features” -although current groovy dr. just shortens it to being bipolar or having manic-depression. It is more than a label. It is an illness. But it is a treatable one.Not easy to have nor to treat, but it is possible, to live a semi-normal life while being bipolar.

I think i am one of the lucky ones. I was diagnosed roughly 21 years ago-in 1992. Since then, I have amassed a huge group of friends, family, and trusted allies. It is vital to staying well to have some sort of support-network, whether its friends, family, church, priest, rabbi, minister,siblings,spouses,employers ect. You need objective persons in your life who can look out for you when you are not objective. If your really bipolar-you will not always be 100% objective. It is the nature of the “crazy-beast.”

I just had a major break-through last night. I realized I have been having some sort of episode-hypomania or mixed-mania, with paranoia, for at least the last two weeks. I called my Dr this morning to confirm this-(my husband already did confirm though) and to just let her know- i was on the same page now. I knew I had been sick. I complimented her method of handling it. Unlike past doctors I had had at Community Mental health-she did not directly address this issue that i was “sick”. She is an excellent doctor, by the way. I first saw her back in 1998-2000. i stopped seeing her because i took advantage of her, during an episode to get her to prescribe me medications i had no attention of correctly taking. It was long ago i was only 26.

I decided to swallow 30 depakote and kill myself. It was dramatic and extreme.I really violated her trust in our relationship.But soon after i did that stupid stupid thing i began to change my mind…when my boyfriend-(now hubby)-got home from a midnights job i confessed everything and he rushed me to the nearest hospital, most likely saving my life. I was given charcoal and was in the ICU for four days straight. That was my first and last ever serious suicide attempt.

After that my doctor broke up with me- i don’t blame her at all for this. So i started going to Community Mental Health. I went on and off for years-the off parts were during episodes….

2 years ago, yesterday, i married my boyfriend of 11 years. My health insurance changed slightly. We had wrongly deduced if we were to get married i would lose my Medicare and Medicaid-so he put me on his Blue Cross Employee insurance. Now CMH refused to treat me saying they did not accept blue cross.

I called my old doctor. I was very persistent, and convincing. I explained I had grown up a lot since she last treated me. I ask if i could please be her patient again? She was hesitant, but willing to give me a second shot.That was almost 2 years ago. I am so thankful she said yes to being my doctor again. She is the best and my most favorite doctor I have ever had in the over two decades of this madness.

Fast forward to the past two weeks….I became very irritated, the day after ,the day after, my 39th birthday. So like 2 days after my birthday-may 21-i lost my shit. May 23rd was terrible, but May 24th and 25th were much worse.

I guess it was a hypo-mania-(mild mania) or a mixed state-(both depressed and manic mixed together.)

If my doctor confronted me about being paranoid or manic, I would have stopped speaking with her-probably even fired her as my doctor.

instead, she choose to just listen-after i found myself in a safe shelter house for women with domestic violence she started increasing my meds.

we did have a small mishap with that-she raised my lithium too high-while i did not go toxic-i had dangerous symptoms and had to be briefly hospital2ized over night. My lithium levels never been that high before-it was 1.25.So she lowered it back down to its normal dose. And just raised other meds.

Eventually, i decided to forgive my hubby and came home two nights ago. At first, i still thought i was in my right mind-but then my doctor wanted to raise my sereoquel XR some more. A couple hours later, i realized with her frequently raising my meds, i must be having another episode. I cried hysterically for over  2 hours while mu husband just held me and told me that he still loves me. i was devastated.I was confused but coming to my senses.

And i was safe, he was safe, we were still married-it was going to be ok. To be honest, i am even crying as i am writing this-I feel cheated somehow, but by my own mind…i do not understand how i could so quickly get sick again-without typical warning signs? It is a very scary feeling to be paranoid. Especially terrified of friends and family who love you. I thought it was all hubby’s fault. What i mistook as physical abuse was him trying to restrain me and keep me from running away-i always run away….usually nowhere safe or good. This time was a bit better- i wound up in a safe place.

All i can say is bipolar disorder is a serious illness and “crazyness is a beast.” which is difficult to contain.

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marriage counseling and fixing whats not right:

My husband and self, both have many-yet different-emotional scars from our own childhoods.

Sometimes these differences really tear us apart.

I have my reasons-which i will not disclose here-(read my memoirs recalled madness: a personal account of manic-depressive illness by Emily Sturgill 2013-available off Amazon.com for more specific details-)

Anyways, i have my reasons, that

if somebody physical grabs me in anger or is violent at all,

during an argument, i will pretty much cut that person out of my life completely.

If that sounds insane or extreme, I apologize.

However, it is based on how i was raised-that a man should never hit a woman,

nor lay his hands upon her, while in a state of anger/violence.

This is a well-known trigger of mine, that my husband,

has mistakenly set off on separate occasions.

 

For his part- part of his past were living with parents,

who argued/screamed and yelled everyday.

Thus, his trigger is arguing. When and if we argue,

and he feels bad enough to yell or scream – he tries to grab me,

and force me to listen.

 

The intimidation of being grabbed

in anger really sets me off,

i never call the police or press charges.

i simply go into flight or flee mode.

 

i pack my shit and leave.

persons without a history,

of childhood abuse, physical violence,

in my case both parents equally were messed up

until 7th grade when my Dad sought therapy.

 

My mom did not go into therapy until i was 18.

So i don’t even wanna go there-she was also bipolar.

She is the one, i take the most after.

Dad had OCD among other issues.

 

But after he got got help, things were better

for a time-at least better he and I.

Mom was another story entirely.

 

Anyways, about 2 weeks ago,

i was feeling threatened physically by my husband,

so after discussion with 4 different older strong women

in my life i decided to go stay at

a battered woman’s shelter.

 

Because today is the 2 year anniversary

of our wedding and because he apologized

between 5-7 times, i agreed to comeback home.

 

its a work in progress.

but im hopeful , since he’s agreed

to attend therapy his own self-

and face some of his own inner demons.

 

 

 

 

 

Tears fill my eyes leaking out at the corners…

Tears fill my eyes, leaking out at the corners…

is the love i thought i knew,

the love i thought i had with you.

 

Did you ever really love me?

Are you even capable of that?

now, that i have escaped both your grasp,

and your liars heart…

i can listen to my inner voice inside

my head, warning me that you

 

are a very dangerous man indeed.

warning me to not fall for the pity-trap.

to close my ears while you say,please.please.please.

Listen, i will change.

 

and I guess in all this time;

to your credit, you did change

except its for the worst.

 

How did i fall for this?

Was i really so desperate,

for anybody to love me-that

i settled for you???

 

Somebody who loves to love,

and somebody who hates that which

he loves, as a vicious abusive-controlling

mind game.

 

it hurts me deeply-

to realize now after 13 years,

i never knew the real you.

 

it was all stage lightening and fake drama.

you were always an actor,

playing a part,

yet also a wolf lunging for my heart.

 

You could paint a nice story

with words alone. My family adored you.

But they were without all the facts.

 

And i was too scared to tell them on you.

the emotional, mental abuse was more often

then the physical stuff.

 

Despite my Daddy telling me, “Do not ever let a man put his arms on you in anger.”

“Don’t ever let a man hit you.”

Despite these facts-i choose only to see your halo.

The one i gave to you.

 

If only i would have stared harder-

i would have seen it as broken, rusty

an obtusity.

the hidden truth

the hidden truth,

is that which haunts me…

everybody thought we were the perfect happy couple…

and I? how could I explain to our friends-our loved ones-

about The Dark Times….

about the hidden Truth?

That i married a classic-type of abuser.

That my beloved husband,

who i “loved” dearly was not only less than ideal,

but i was paranoid fearful of his anger. Of his angry outbursts.

That frequently, i felt unsafe, even during lovemaking.

I was scared he may attempt to kill me.

And i do not know why.

the fear seemed irrational, like another delusion of my bipolar mind.

Until a day two weeks ago where he admitted to “fantasies”?? I’m not sure what you would call then,”ideas” or “plans”?

That if his life ever got bad enough, he would fall back on the notion

of a murder-suicide.

by the way by murder-he meant me specifically and suicide

i guess was for him-not only was this a horrifying thing to say to the one woman who loves you-

it also helped me reach the realization, i was in constant danger.

 

I’ve been hiding out at a battered woman’s shelter.

i finally feel safe again.

it took some skill even in getting here because i had no money and no car.

but i finally made it Saturday afternoon.

 

I blame myself for not leaving sooner.

but in oh-too-many ways it was easier to stay.

 

i am grateful now, for my infertility issues.

that saves me from a lifetime of interaction

with a husband who is crazy.

 

I am so very devastated-that it had to-end this way,

but it was only getting worse.  Now i am facing loved ones with the Hidden Truth.

they do not understand how hard it is to admit….you are a victim.

that somebody scares you half to death.

that this man you “loved” is merely a shadow of his true self,

the side made up of complete anger and irrational darkness.

 

 

nightmares and panic attacks

i realize whats past is past,

yet i still inside my mind and body and heart-

i still am standing in that same burning building/

my hands are spread apart-

and he is holding me down and i-

i am crying and screaming

for him to just let me go-

that i cannot even breathe.

then i wake up still trapped inside my dream,

my nightmare,  the past.

it holds me in fist of rock solid granite-

it pulls me down it won’t let me go.

falling off the edge of the world

im going under the radar, again. In fact ive fallen through the ice and off the edge of the world. A close friend of mine tried to warn me, to tell me that my marriage was doomed from the start. Instead of liistening to my friend who has neverdecieved me or lied about anything ever to me at all….i laughed off his commonsense as bitterness at being alone….because i had true love? What did my friend know? Turns out a great deal so ty ken. I wish i was not soo busy being a dumb idiotic naive bitch, to notice, when you said it sounded like i was having a bad marriage. And married some type of jerk….which indeed i did, and had.

Such a jerk in fact that he threatened me with, if his life sucked bad enough he would consider murder-suicide as a logical option. By murder he meant ME-as I get no say or vote…that made me go hmmm….for at least 2 weeks. Before something popped into my head, roughly 3 or 4 mornings ago-that he was desperately serious and really that effed up that if he’s ending his sorry life-his taking me along too….um, thanks but no thanks. Don’t me mind, at all, i am just gonna do a little magic trick….fairy dust, + vanish poof= divorce….wife bye bye.

I did attempt leaving on Thursday, but unfortunately, i listened to some folks not aware of her serious the abuse has been….so i called and listened. All the beautiful, magic, b.s. lies he said, all the right things, all the stuff he knew i wanted to hear. Like a fool with a death-wish, i went back home with him.

What i did not know, was every promise he tried to make was pure 100% bullshit and he meant none of it at all and nothing would change. When i discovered that i began suspecting i made a serious error in trusting him.

But since im hopeless romantic-(replace romance with stupid here) i still did not get the clue until he had me pinned against my bed one hand smashing my face into our mattress, and the other grabbing my left should hard digging his nails into me. All the while well screaming” Are you gonna call the cops?” “Are ya gonna call the cops?” i had no idea what the hell he was talking about-at the moment i was hysterically crying and just hoping and praying: that A. he did not beat the shit out of me and B. he did not try to kill me, because for a few minutes, he did have paranoid evil eyes-that looked very much-like the eyes of someone insane enough to try to kill you.

Luckily, i was able to talk him down and also i was able to pretend very hard the next day that everything was fine, in fact our marriage is perfect!!! Which i keep the charade, going until both he and his crazy-ass bitch mom left the house.

Then as calmly as possible i packed my shit and left. i knew who to call and where to go. Stupid soon to be ex-husband ain’t the first man who has raised a hand to me. But, tell you what, i bet he is going to be the last.

Anyone have good info on how to properly pawn/sell a wedding ring and get the biggest amount of usa dollars for it?? please comment below-thanks, emily