the hidden truth

the hidden truth,

is that which haunts me…

everybody thought we were the perfect happy couple…

and I? how could I explain to our friends-our loved ones-

about The Dark Times….

about the hidden Truth?

That i married a classic-type of abuser.

That my beloved husband,

who i “loved” dearly was not only less than ideal,

but i was paranoid fearful of his anger. Of his angry outbursts.

That frequently, i felt unsafe, even during lovemaking.

I was scared he may attempt to kill me.

And i do not know why.

the fear seemed irrational, like another delusion of my bipolar mind.

Until a day two weeks ago where he admitted to “fantasies”?? I’m not sure what you would call then,”ideas” or “plans”?

That if his life ever got bad enough, he would fall back on the notion

of a murder-suicide.

by the way by murder-he meant me specifically and suicide

i guess was for him-not only was this a horrifying thing to say to the one woman who loves you-

it also helped me reach the realization, i was in constant danger.

 

I’ve been hiding out at a battered woman’s shelter.

i finally feel safe again.

it took some skill even in getting here because i had no money and no car.

but i finally made it Saturday afternoon.

 

I blame myself for not leaving sooner.

but in oh-too-many ways it was easier to stay.

 

i am grateful now, for my infertility issues.

that saves me from a lifetime of interaction

with a husband who is crazy.

 

I am so very devastated-that it had to-end this way,

but it was only getting worse.  Now i am facing loved ones with the Hidden Truth.

they do not understand how hard it is to admit….you are a victim.

that somebody scares you half to death.

that this man you “loved” is merely a shadow of his true self,

the side made up of complete anger and irrational darkness.

 

 

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nightmares and panic attacks

i realize whats past is past,

yet i still inside my mind and body and heart-

i still am standing in that same burning building/

my hands are spread apart-

and he is holding me down and i-

i am crying and screaming

for him to just let me go-

that i cannot even breathe.

then i wake up still trapped inside my dream,

my nightmare,  the past.

it holds me in fist of rock solid granite-

it pulls me down it won’t let me go.

falling off the edge of the world

im going under the radar, again. In fact ive fallen through the ice and off the edge of the world. A close friend of mine tried to warn me, to tell me that my marriage was doomed from the start. Instead of liistening to my friend who has neverdecieved me or lied about anything ever to me at all….i laughed off his commonsense as bitterness at being alone….because i had true love? What did my friend know? Turns out a great deal so ty ken. I wish i was not soo busy being a dumb idiotic naive bitch, to notice, when you said it sounded like i was having a bad marriage. And married some type of jerk….which indeed i did, and had.

Such a jerk in fact that he threatened me with, if his life sucked bad enough he would consider murder-suicide as a logical option. By murder he meant ME-as I get no say or vote…that made me go hmmm….for at least 2 weeks. Before something popped into my head, roughly 3 or 4 mornings ago-that he was desperately serious and really that effed up that if he’s ending his sorry life-his taking me along too….um, thanks but no thanks. Don’t me mind, at all, i am just gonna do a little magic trick….fairy dust, + vanish poof= divorce….wife bye bye.

I did attempt leaving on Thursday, but unfortunately, i listened to some folks not aware of her serious the abuse has been….so i called and listened. All the beautiful, magic, b.s. lies he said, all the right things, all the stuff he knew i wanted to hear. Like a fool with a death-wish, i went back home with him.

What i did not know, was every promise he tried to make was pure 100% bullshit and he meant none of it at all and nothing would change. When i discovered that i began suspecting i made a serious error in trusting him.

But since im hopeless romantic-(replace romance with stupid here) i still did not get the clue until he had me pinned against my bed one hand smashing my face into our mattress, and the other grabbing my left should hard digging his nails into me. All the while well screaming” Are you gonna call the cops?” “Are ya gonna call the cops?” i had no idea what the hell he was talking about-at the moment i was hysterically crying and just hoping and praying: that A. he did not beat the shit out of me and B. he did not try to kill me, because for a few minutes, he did have paranoid evil eyes-that looked very much-like the eyes of someone insane enough to try to kill you.

Luckily, i was able to talk him down and also i was able to pretend very hard the next day that everything was fine, in fact our marriage is perfect!!! Which i keep the charade, going until both he and his crazy-ass bitch mom left the house.

Then as calmly as possible i packed my shit and left. i knew who to call and where to go. Stupid soon to be ex-husband ain’t the first man who has raised a hand to me. But, tell you what, i bet he is going to be the last.

Anyone have good info on how to properly pawn/sell a wedding ring and get the biggest amount of usa dollars for it?? please comment below-thanks, emily

 

 

The wolf and red riding hood

What happens to the girl,

when she realizes its not grandma-in her bed,

its a wolf instead.

 

And his teeth are scary sharp and mean,

they glisten and gleam

with anger, rage, and heartache

verging

on a natural disaster.

 

What should the girl do,

should she trust the wolf with its

bright pretty eyes

and his lengthy explanation-

filled with nothing but lies?

 

“Baby, I won’t hurt you.”

“Baby lets work things out…”

“Baby, this marriage is worth saving.”

“When i mentioned murder-suicide in a casual way-it was because i was only joking.”

“You believe me right? Folks say stuff like that all the time but never mean it…”

Yeah, well…not so much.

 

 

That was when red riding hood spied

her grandmothers shiny bare bones

in their walk-in closet.

 

Never trust a wolf,

right there and then she decided.

A wolf is always lying.

Tired and Wore down

Tired and wore out, wore down,

exhausted both mentally and physically-

ill both mentally and physically.

 

Somethings just not right

i had another panic attack

last night.

 

the ones where i forget

the simplistic natural art

of breathing in and out.

 

gasping, groaning, doing

a freak out.

I’m not sure what triggered it??/

a little bit of nothingness-

a whole lot of everything.

 

Just really starting to feel,

the flip side of the coin

less than ideal.

 

the side with the sad face,

instead of a smiley happy face.

the sorrow i keep gathered

under my bed of feathers

 

sorrow breeds depression

while depression breeds discontent,

resulting into an

overabundance of frustrated tears.

 

I am just hoping,

and praying that /

this time will be different/

please do not let things

remain unhinged.

 

if they do,

i will surely break again,

right down the middle,

split in half…..

 

my bipolar skin-case

for all the world to see

to create a mockery

of me and my crazy-train

 

i rode in on.

 

but still lingers the sparse flower,

the reddest rose, itself contains

a glimmer of hope

for me to cling onto

 

yet beware the thorns.

yes, beware the thorns,

beware the thorns.

 

they are real,

and they make us bleed.

Life is messy too, not only artwork.

Life is messy too.

Not just Artwork, self-expression, painting, drawing,sculpture, photography…

writing for example is another messy art;

thinking of things like:

libel,copyrights,slander,plagiarists, tabloid-journalists,badly written poetry,poorly written novels…..writers block.

But Life, on the other hand is frequently a different landscape,

altogether, a big terrain of heavily soiled tears.

disappointments, family feuds, emotional problems,

irrational and faulty logic,

thrown upon you,

like a fistful of sand.

then there are those persons,

who bully,cheat and lie.

Yes, as the saying goes, no one said life was easy.

or if they did, clearly they were mistaken or

simply full of shit.

no, life is a messy place.

A child’s hand-prints on the door-frames,

dog-prints on the muddy kitchen floor,

lipstick on a collar,

a cat who shits outside its litter-box.

 

Changing an baby’s dirty diaper.

house-training a puppy-dog.

Telling somebody you love them but…

you do not like living with them anymore?

How do you even do that?

I don’t even know.

 

I passed the ball to my husband.

He is dreading the conversation he

must have with a family member later.

 

I would not want to bring the subject up my own self-

I’m chicken-little, I don’t want to see the sky fall

down.

But Life is very messy.

if it wasn’t

i doubt i would love, living half as much.

Confusion eclipses me

Confusion eclipses me.

i did not leave you, after-all, in spite of myself;

i still am in love with you.

i want to work things out.

My damn period is three days late…

the test read negative again, but my body feels pregnant…

i do not trust myself-is it just wishful thinking?

or some sort of bipolar-fucked up delusion???

is that even what i want anymore, or will this house built of cards, fall down….

Confusion eclipses me.

you worry for my mental state.

usually when i pack my bags and try to run away from you-

it’s a dead give-away of a mania…

but i think this time is different.

and all these troubles cannot just be pushed,

shoved under a dirty rug.

even you admit, these problems are real-

i’m not making it up…

it’s an ongoing ordeal.

it’s highly ironic that these troubles,

do not stem from us, or our love or our relationship.

these are dysfunctional family issues-

your addict junkie brother, your enabling mother.

the constant tug and war

in this roof i live under.

You’ve agreed to be my hero,

and try this time, at least to try, to attempt

to change these things.

it is something which surprises me.

but in a brilliant, cautious, yet happy way. 

i did not think you would stand by me,

like this, i thought you would tell me to just

get my shit and leave.

people often say blood is thicker than water…

i did not want to make you choose..

which one am i to you, as your wife?

am i blood or water? Or am i a little bit of each?

i hope you can fix this. not an ultimatum.it’s just i feel on the brink.

Something’s gotta give, before i sink

and fall over the edge.

i do not want to give others the power to ruin our marriage-

or even worse hand them the power,

to make me lose my mind again.

Leaving Love…

Leaving you, was all,

i could do-

to save myself, to save my sanity.

i know it sounds like,

i am merely “crazy again”.

But I have never felt clearer-than right now.

Your anger frightens me.

Your depression which you try

to deny and hide,

i am watching as it is

devouring you-from the inside out.

 

It is the large silent white elephant,

in our bedroom with us.

We pretend not to see it,

but you feed it constantly,

when i look the other way.

 

The toxicity of your family,

everyone co-dependent, inter-laced

and intertwined is just fine by you….

but it makes me feel like,

i am losing my mind.

 

that is simply i really cannot

afford to go through again.

 

I’m leaving Love.

I’m leaving you.

despite how happy we can be,

it is not worth the

interlopers-the high-jacks of others-

 

Just waiting to ruin our happiness.

Day in Day out.

Your mother’s misery

spreads over us, like toxicity.

 

I can not do this anymore…

it’s just not working out for me.

it’s not fun to be around

somebody enjoying misery so much

that she spreads it to us as well.

 

i gotta get out.

i must leave.

even if it means, i will never love

anybody else again…

i am leaving love.