Running on E

Running on E,

Empty, my thoughts have

decided to run away,

they flee free me.

 

Running on E,

I let the empty get the best 

of Me. I reach out-

towards the empty sky,

not a cloud in sight.

 

Running on E,

Grabbing outwards for the 

poetry. To take a hold of Me.

But too much everything equates

a void.

 

Running on E,

but I digress.

Where did I misplace the Lioness?

Where did I misplace the Poetess?

 

Running on E,

nothing comes very easy.

The thoughts all roll right out of my brain,

catching like embers burning into fire,

as the free-verse falls down.

 

Running on E,

a hapless clown.

How to quench this thirst,

of creating something out of

nothing?

 

Running on E,

it leaves me screaming-

so loud- my lips leave no sound.

The words all blocked up,

a corked up wine bottle.

 

Running on E,

the empty sound of silence,

What is left to say?

Where do the poem-words take you,

Anyway?

 

Empty, Empty, Empty,

and then like Humpty Dupty,

We All fall down.

Falling down again.

With a crash.

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Chill-laxing

Just chilling, with a favorite CD.

I have not decided,

if  I will be productive Today.

 

It’s a choice, like flipping a switch in my brain.

Do I really want to do something,

or just sit around here doing nothing,

feeling insane?

 

Music saves me…from some of,

this Madness.

I have been listening to various artists lately.

 

some of my favorites CDs right now:

ZZ Ward, “Till the casket drops.”

Ray Lamontagne, “Trouble”

Ray Lamontagne and the Pariah dogs,” God Willing & the creek don’t raise.”

Pink,”Funhouse.”

Muse, their newest one…

M.Ward, “transfiguration of Vincent.”

Florence and The Machine. Imagine Dragons. FUN. Goyte.

Mumford and Sons. The Black keys.

 

I just love music.

A good song creeps in under your bones.

It stays with you.

The lyrics randomly pop into head, at weird times.

 

Music is a powerful Drug.

It’s side effects are pretty harmless.

I know when I stop listening,

that’s when I start thinking.

About stuff I do not want to think about.

 

Music saves what is left of my sanity.

Music saves my soul.

Music takes me to far away places,

I long to go.

 

So go ahead,

pop in a favorite CD with me,

Let’s run away for the Day.

Let the Chill-laxing begin.

It’s a win-win.

Wicked mood~

Wicked mood,

feeling evil, feeling disappointed, feeling like…

somebody just told me I’d won the lottery.

Only to take it all back away from me.

Feeling as if, God is laughing at  me.

Feeling like I am nothing more-

nor nothing less than somebody’s idea

of a cruel hoax, a butt of jokes, someone who

dances with clowns, and paints her lips red.

i feel like destiny is laughing at me.

That things will never go my way.

But I don’t know why…

I always try.

Perhaps, too hard, as I have been told before,

to just let things unfold.

To trust in the process.

To give in to my subconsciousness

Why Oh Why can’t I get a job?

Why is this just not materializing?

all the meditation and manifestations in the world,

refuse to work.

I’m on the brink of madness,

like the edge of a deep dark ravine.

I try to form words, i try to scream, but its too late.

Nothing makes a sound,

my feet do not miss a beat,

they never hit the ground.

Feeling wicked, feeling Evil.

Something singular sinful…

Something singular sinful,

sitting here listening to music.

swaying to the beat, listening to lyrics-

soaking the words up into a sweat

of something singular sinful.

 

I wish things would move, change and collide

before my eyes. That the world might

evolve and change-wait no, that’s me-

that needs changing.

now i see.

a change of attitude,

is in order.

a change for the better.

just now i need to close both eyes,

and compromise.

For a better Today and a brighter tomorrow.

It only the art of allowance, was just this easy-

wait, maybe it is.

Hope.

Dream.

Think big.

Encompass an inner tidal wave,

in order to ride the Stars,

skyward bound, all earth-bound creatures,

we scatter and rush to

make the best of

Us. 

endurance

Running up that big hill,

Running out of breath,

I have no endurance-no strength left.

 

Running up the wall,

Running up the street,

Running all sideways,

the stars beneath my feet.

 

a troubled mind

tries to find the time

to create a story-

or weave a rhyme.

 

a writers mind,

always running-no where to go,

just running on steam,

among broken dreams.

 

Running up that hill,

Running towards free-will,

Running towards a notion or two,

or three.

 

Finding a moment,

covered in honesty reaching for,

glee.

 

Poetry always reminds me,

to find myself,

I must forget all else-

letting the raw ideas flow-

right through me,

like one in a trance.

 

Riddles, sphinx, pyramids

Ancient stuff, it is all a mystery-

entirely over my head-

way beyond me.

 

But Poetry, my Muse

she whispers to me in my left ear, lightly,

she says just that I should run-

run freely until I reach the Sun.

 

Running up the wall,

Running up the street,

Running all sideways,

the stars beneath my feet.

 

Running up that big hill,

Running out of breath,

I have no endurance-no strength left.

 

 

least there be sharks….

Swimming with the fishes.

Swimming with the fishes, all beauty, and joy-

the heart of Asia

belongs to the Koi. (photo shown below was find in a Google image search-i do not hold the rights, but cheers to the photographer, its amazing!)

Swimming with the fishes, peace and joy. It’s like they are flying in a sky filled of beauty deep blue water. Their lives must be so graceful. So blessed. To be simply swimming with the fishes, forgetting all else. Savoring the sea or the pond as the case might be. Dreaming the dreams of creatures in the sea. To be blissful to be aware of natures truth and beauty. To reproduce without care nor worry. To joyfully join in the currents of peaceful waves, to watch the rock glow and shine beneath you as you sleep with eyes wide open, eight feet deep,to swim and swim and dream again-to breathe underwater, to fall through the water, swimming with the fishes, all beauty all joy. The heart of Asia belongs to the subtle, yet joyous Koi.

Trying to locate the bright side with my star trek decoder ring?

I am looking for the light

at the end of the tunnel,

I am trying to locate the bright side-

I am trying to find and then analyze,

the silver lining in the gray storm clouds which

to my everlasting annoyance hang out

beside my brow under my head…

I am trying to find the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow,

the butterfly breaking loose out of her cocoon.

I am trying to not worry so ever much

that I hold onto this mantle

of doom and gloom.

 

For everything there is a price you pay,

For every stray thought or feeling or word,

you might say, there is a consequence.

 

There is always an end result to any hypothetical

hypothesis, to any purely scientific, mathematical, theoretical

equation. There is always an answer.

So when in doubt,

go bravely out into the big

crazy world, gather facts, data and then find out-

your very own answer.

 

Because in our ever-expanding, mind-blowing

universe there are several.

Answers I mean. To any one questions, at any one time,

it will blow your mind.

 

Reach as far as your fat fist will travel,

grasp every bit of pure white light imaginable,

and cling fast and hard

to both Hope and Faith.

 

Never assume you know the truth,

go out and discover the bits and pieces

of your hungry self.

 

But beyond all this;

try to locate the bright side beneath all the darkness.

Look for the light which dances among shadows,

it is a choice to pick one or the other-

which one to pay attention to-the shadows or the

pretty white gleam of happiness, pleasure, and pure joy.

 

 

Nervous kinetic Energy

Nervous Kinetic Enegry,

spirals out of the life of me.

Once had nerves of steel,

but now long gone-

so damn nervous, tell me this time-

what did I do or say wrong?

 

A Lady called me today.

Straight out of the big blue.

A person-a somebody-I didn’t knew.

She was asking about a job application I made-

nearly seven weeks ago…

 

She was pop-quizzing me,

as if I would recall the exact details

of the job or company.

 

I have been applying to so many…

its easy to lose track

its easy to lose track fast.

 

She almost scheduled the interview with me,

but something made her pause to say,

can i give you a call back???

 

I am left holding the bag,

wondering if I blew the whole thing already,

or if she will in fact call back,

 

Gosh, I hope so…I am sitting on pins and needles.

Way too much kinetic energy-

with no-place, to go.

 

I just know, that by now,

its high time, that I finally get a job.

I really need a job Now, not yesterday

nor tomorrow, but right away

in the present moment,

in the blink of an eye

and the wink of my tongue.

 

I need me some gluing

so I do not become

completely unraveled-

completely undone.

 

Tired of the tug and fight

Today, I am tired of the tug and fight.

Between myself and I,

over how I am going to spend my time?

And if I am going to crash soon-

taking a nap? or if I am going to make some kind of art?

or will i read books?

I am so sick of this fight, this tug of war,

between my depressed side and

my manic-laughing hyena side?

I feel like I must be Dr,Jekyll and Mr.Hyde.

I cannot decide which impulses to follow;

do i do something crazy, yet grand, like drawing

a wonderful piece of art, in charcoal or pastels or even crayons?

Or do i tilt my hand-all aces-how grand!

Do I just take another anxiety med and sleep off

all the lame boring excitement,

of trying to create a manuscript or poems or paintings,

or bead another un-bought necklace-which only i will wear?

Tired of the tug and fight.

I want middle ground.

I just took another lithium about an hour ago.

I want all the stability that an entire

Starship fleet of doctors

once promised me.

I always take my meds,

but eventually they stop working-

or just real-life shit problems happen,

and stress me out,

so that my medicines stop working.

i try to be the ideal patient.

Still I remain a hybrid of Dr .Jekyll and Mr.Hyde.

So tired of the tug and fight….useless.

frustrations mount.

depression sizzles.

mania fizzles.

blame it on the weather-

or blame it on the stupid tug and fight,

stupid insanity-

it bites

me

right in the ass,

every-time.

The law of attraction

The Law of Attraction,

never seems to sink in with me,

somehow.

Many family members swear by this.

And they are all financially much better off than I.

 

I want to believe, I really really do.

I just have a hard time taking

personal responsibility,

for every negative and awful

causality that has ever befallen me.

 

I have trouble believing that

I have a higher spiritual self  which

somehow decided to embrace mental illness,

welcome rape, miscarriages, and other crimes

upon myself so freely and willingly-

 

as if i have a please kick me sign,

attached to my rear end-

or a stupid “willing victim” sign

taped to my forehead.

That growing up, I always dreamt,

I would be unemployed and living below the poverty level.

 

I do believe very much in karma,

and that what you put out,

comes back three times.

 

I believe in many superstitions as well.

I avoid opening umbrellas indoors,

or walking beneath ladders.

I read Tarot cards but fear oujia boards.

I believe in ghosts, astral projection and re-incarnation.

 

Yet, still i struggle to accept the law of attraction.

Maybe, it’s quite paranoid of me.

But I cannot make sense, that each and every bad

experience i have ever had,

i invited and chose to have it.

i do not get this.

it confounds me greatly.