feeling a bit,
off-center, a bit out-of-whack,
feeling on the verge
of another;
Panic Attack.
Feeling off-center,
dealing with issues of infertility,
feeling hopeless-like a sailsboat-without sails-
so instead of sailing-
i simply float-there-off-center.
Many other Women,
do this dance of infertility & madness,
it seems to always feel like its the woman’s fault.
although it may even be the mans…
that concept seems far-fetched and hard to grasp.
Each month,
I hope, although I never bother to pray,
but i hope things will be different,
that somehow our childless lives will change.
Some women, chart their cycles religiously, take their basal temps each and every-day, using ovulation predictor kits, or invest in high cost treatments like IVF. I cannot afford things like ovulation kits or IVF treatments, or alternative therapies.
I can barely afford the one thing I’ve got:
a thing called Hope.
That’s all i got, and sometimes it does not feel enough,
as if, i am just mere inches away, from touching the sky.
Last month, pain was horrible. I wound up in the ER and diagnosed with 2 cm Ovarian cyst.
This month not only my mind, but my body has been playing tricks on me.
I swear, I’m having pregnancy symptoms despite my monthly bleed.
My period just was not heavy enough to be normal-even for me-and the PMS still has not gone away,
yet the bleeding did. It came 2 days early, I usually count day 1 as any spotting-but technically they say to start count from the first day of true blood. Which would mean i really only had a sort of period bleeding for only 2 days the other 3 were brown spots and inconsistent. I’m still having bad cramps, and i keep getting sick to my stomach, and my boobs hurt so badly when my hubby bite my nipple 2 days ago it still hurt 3 hours later. Food bores me-i have loss all interest. Even stuff i like fails to excite. Hate to say it-been pregnant before-feel that way again.
I’m sure tomorrow they will give me a hpt urine test before my MRI-
just off-center, feeling confused on what they will find.
