Off-center

feeling a bit,

off-center, a bit out-of-whack,

feeling on the verge

of another;

Panic Attack.

Feeling off-center,

dealing with issues of infertility,

feeling hopeless-like a sailsboat-without sails-

so instead of sailing-

i simply float-there-off-center.

Many other Women,

do this dance of infertility & madness,

it seems to always feel like its the woman’s fault.

although it may even be the mans…

that concept seems far-fetched and hard to grasp.

Each month,

I hope, although I never bother to pray,

but i hope things will be different,

that somehow our childless lives will change.

Some women, chart their cycles religiously, take their basal temps each and every-day, using ovulation predictor kits, or invest in high cost treatments like IVF. I cannot afford things like ovulation kits or IVF treatments, or alternative therapies.

I can barely afford the one thing I’ve got:

a thing called Hope.

That’s all i got, and sometimes it does not feel enough,

as if, i am just mere inches away, from touching the sky.

Last month, pain was horrible. I wound up in the ER and diagnosed with 2 cm Ovarian cyst.

This month not only my mind, but my body has been playing tricks on me.

I swear, I’m having pregnancy symptoms despite my monthly bleed.

My period just was not heavy enough to be normal-even for me-and the PMS still has not gone away,

yet the bleeding did. It came 2 days early, I usually count day 1 as any spotting-but technically they say to start count from the first day of true blood. Which would mean i really only had a sort of period bleeding for only 2 days the other 3 were brown spots and inconsistent. I’m still having bad cramps, and i keep getting sick to my stomach, and my boobs hurt so badly when my hubby bite my nipple 2 days ago it still hurt 3 hours later. Food bores me-i have loss all interest. Even stuff i like fails to excite. Hate to say it-been pregnant before-feel that way again.

I’m sure tomorrow they will give me a hpt urine test before my MRI-

just off-center, feeling confused on what they will find.

feeling awful

feeling awful

dreading tomorrow…

have another MRI;

scheduled for renal masses,

bilateral poly-cystic renal masses

PKD, various word-soup

that says all sorts of

invisible maladies

are fighting inside me.

And, later on in May-

I’m off to the Nephrologist’s office.

a 25 cent word meaning-

kidney specialist or kidney doctor…

This month,

my Endometriosis has also been killing me.

The pain is way too intense-

and my periods been,

so entirely,

fucked up; i am starting to wonder,

if the miracle happened,

and i got pregnant again?

So extremely, terrified of just

about everything at this point.

pregnancy or kidney disease or kidney cancer,

a roll of the dice,

my Fate will tell me

what is wrong.

My MRI is scheduled for tomorrow

night at 7:50 pm EST.

I’m feeling awful

about everything…as much as we want children,

I already have 2 miscarriages,

under my belt,

only been pregnant by the same man,

He’s my husband now,

but i do worry,

we have different RH factors.

people say its no big deal-yet it sounds

like one. Basically he has positive blood type,

mine is negative. 85% of the population does

have positive blood types. My concern

is if we do get pregnant again and our

baby has positive blood which is more common,

my body would attack the baby

and abort it.

They do have shots they can give the mother to prevent

that from happening.

Our different RH factors,

may have nothing to do with;

my previous miscarriages.

I’m just scared. I’m getting too old-almost 39-

really would not want to lose

another baby, not this time.