Death Song

Death Song- 10/28/19

Grief is hard
to process.

Every Loss is a Leaf
on the golden growing tree
stretching across Earth
Sky and Time,
Leaving only
Memory.

Grief is hard
to process.
Healing does take time.
The dying part is never
easy.

The wounds are left
beneath your skin.
The markings are left
on the beating heart.

The memories are buried deeply
within your Soul.
But our Grief
teaches us lessons
and the ability
to let it all go.

The Big Empty

The Big Empty- 10/29/19

There is a heaviness
inside my heart
knowing I will never
see you again.

There is a prayer
inside my heart
knowing your on
the other side.

There is a hopefulness
inside my heart
knowing you are
with my Mama now.

There is love
inside my heart
knowing you are
at peace.

But there is also
emptiness
inside my heart,
for the unspoken words
the memories never created.

For all of Loss and Grief
and those moments
we will never
share again
inside my heart
there is
the Big Empty.

A empty chair
A missed goodbye
An unwritten Eulogy
A loss of my family

I will miss you
deep down
inside my heart.

lost

lost-10/24/15

feeling lost

little small achey

hurt in a healing heart

feeling small

with hidden jewels of happiness

but i cannot find them all

i am lost

at a loss for words

a word like hope

feels too big for me.

there is a ache in my heart

an emptiness in my chest

a sadness in my soul.

sometimes losing hurts so much

you can forget what winning feels like.

the world gives us both

so much to lose

but so much to win.

i feel lost.

its temporary and i know

that I will find what I am looking for.

The Weeping Widow

The weeping widow-12/31/14

Emily Sturgill

The Weeping Widow

She always is in a state of

emotional disarray, turmoil, nothing

can change or stop this

it never goes away.

The Weeping Widow

She is often at her wits end,

constantly in mourning

grieving each and every lost

relative or friend.

The Weeping Widow

relives each death like a cassette

tape on the rewind.

It is the only thing she focuses

on, her mourning, their deaths, her pain.

I watch her go through these moments

almost daily.

It’s obvious to me, she clearly needs

therapy, yet she refuses to go.

I am so unsure why Death

has such a huge hold on her,

but it does and she will not let it go.

It seems like everyday on our calendar is

a reminder-to her-of the death of someone

She once loved and lost,

she turns to me

confides in me

constantly

but I am unable to bear this burden

her cross

her loss.

I cannot replace who is missing-

all  I can do is offer to listen.

And then there comes this sharp ended

point where I cannot hear it anymore.

 

The Weeping Widow

relives each death like a cassette

tape on the rewind.

It is the only thing she focuses

on, her mourning, their deaths, her pain.

I watch her go through these moments

almost daily.

 

 

The journey towards forgiveness

I do not usually post blog-style confesionals. I’m much more of a poet, than anything else. In fact in addition to my poetry online, I have been keeping multiple journals at home and handwritten. One is more private confessional journal type enteries and the other is mostly poems, ideas, and sometimes tarot readings I give myself or lists of things to do or lists of music playlists.

HERE…is mostly just where I share poems, unless I am all fired up. Today, I am all fired up and I think its vital to share because it might help others to move forward.

I am all fired up about the notion of forgiveness. In theory, I do believe it is better to forgive even if not forget or forgive ANd forget-whatever works best for you. But in practice I find this to be a slippery slope. i struggle very much on how to forgive, when to forgive and how to let go. Honestly, I hold horrible grudges. And they are horrible in truth because mostly they only serve to hurt me-myself-nobody else.

All that angry righteous high horse b.s. I desperately hold onto-a sense of who iswrong and who is right? Honestly, it does not serve me much any longer-in fact it wears me down, makes me feel guilty and mad, like an angry hornet shook lose from its nest.

so today, I was with my hubby and we were at the bookstore out of nowhere i spotted like the ideal book and he bought it for me with a couple other items. This book is called, “The forgiveness formula: how to let go of your pain and move on with Life.” It was on sale at barnes and nobles-only$6.98-hardcover-by author Kathleen Griffin. @2004.

I am only on pg 16 so far but this book is exactly what i needed to hear at this time. i am in fact blown away.I am just writing about this because forgiveness can be ajourney-a pathwy-towards feeling lighter-less burdened. And in my heart, i realize it is not an easy thing to forgive. That more folks than just myself struggle with it. Holding onto the past so tightly it only distorts your vision of the present moment and it poisons the well of your future happiness. This seems true to me.

Someday I really hope I can learn to forgive, hopefully sooner than later because all this angry i hold deep down inside-it only strangles me-making it harder to breathe making it harder to reign into my sanity. I realize i am not the only sufferer out there but by refusing to allow forgiveness its like picking a scab, bruised and bleeding-the wound will not heal. I know I will not heal either. By the way, I highly reccommend her book-so far its very good.

The cycle of Life

The cycle of Life

is  such that we all Live but someday

we all die too.

I am making it sounds so simplistic-

yet nothing could be farther than true.

The cycle of our Lives is in constant motion.

Ever changing, ever growing, nothing in fact

ever stays exactly the same.

Each day we are living, we must strive

to remind ourselves to enjoy

this journey we are on

for time stops for no one.

Sometimes simple truths are the best,

Live each and everyday

to its fullest; ignore the rest.

The cycle of life is a curious thing.

Nobody has a map to bring, nor directions,

if we falter.

Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to live in

the Here and Now, but exactly what is our

choice or option? To dwell in the distortions of our past,

or to linger in the unknown ever unfolding future,

Or merely breathe in

breathe out

and enjoy these moments of Life rooted in the present,

before time runs out and

Regrets loom large?

Nobody knows the pathway of mortality,

we are born, we live and then someday we will die.

I do not have any wisdom, nor answers,

I cannot explain why.

I just accept this to be a universal truth.

Appreciate the moments of Today for tomorrow

is not promised and the past we cannot change

the key is to living Life to the fullest

in each moment that you can claim.

It’s just the Cycle of Life.

The deep end of Loss

The deep end of Loss

contains Mourning and Grief-

A Sorrow so deep

that nothing can touch.

Growing older means

to her additional Grief and Sorrow.

Each death is in itself,

is one more test-

the loss only intensifies with age.

I witness her Grief and Sorrow

I wish I could erase the years on her pain.

But this I cannot do and my words

are just not the same.

She stands at the deep end of a pool

which holds all her tears of the losses

and pain-missing loved ones who has

passed into the great beyond.

Each and every death seems to only

compound her losses,

as she revisits the feelings of Mourning and Grieving.

I stand witness to this mostly

in silence.

I have a secret that she does not.

I know deep down she is strong and can handle it.

But this is something-this secret truth-that evades her

and all of her sorrows.

Each and every death hits her hard like it’s

a brand new experience and she re-lives each and every

death she has ever encountered.

I have no words for this.

I can only reach out to give her a hug.

The deep end of Loss

contains Mourning and Grief-

A Sorrow so deep

that nothing can touch.

Growing older means

to her additional Grief and Sorrow.