Frustration mounts…and eats my soul away.
Devouring me from the inside out.
I will never be able to be normal,
and I don’t know what that’s all about….
I’m just another random head-case,
trapped beneath a system of doubt.
a broken down merry-go-wheel ride,
of social security benefits and random poverty.
I would love if just one of my nameless,
faceless republican family or friends,
would attempt to live high on the horse,
with my government income of barely $6,000.00 per year.
They make such a big deal out of,
that fact that i should be “grateful” for benefits…
Grateful, for what for being even more poor, than everybody else?
I make way less than min. wage
I should have never gone to college anyway.
Or the University, what a joke!
My older sister skipped all the academics,
worked very hard on her way to the top, too.
But she did not play a fool,
as I tend to do.
I wasted 19 years of my life in college or at the university.
I cannot help but be bitter by it.
Now what i owe in student loans, could buy a fancy house,
which i will never afford.
I do not even qualify to get hired at a min. wage job.
My mind today is set on meltdown.
So much frustration,
Ever hear of the so-called – law of attraction?
According to this ever popular theory,
I choose a mental illness
to become my entire life-story.
I choose a life with poverty, crime, being a victim of
both a few violent muggings and a couple of rapes.
Somehow, this was all decided by me.
I say bullshit to that.
I am not flowery or happy today.
Today I am just me, brittle, bruised and feeling
were on the telephone,
when i mentioned my husband and self-
maybe seeking an annulment
in order to get a portion of my social security
She was furious with me.
She gave me a huge angry lecture,
citing the importance of Love,
and the sanctity of marriage.
It come out of nowhere,
this fright train of outrage.
She stream-rolled me, with
I would not end my marriage-
over such a small amount of money Emily.
this she said with words made of bees
not of honey….her quick judgement of me.
This extra amount of money would be
in fact quite insignificant to my sister.
Yet compared to us and all of our struggles;
Her and her husband live on the high horse-
She herself has never even acquired a
4 year bachelors degree-yet she has made it-
achieving much, in the world of hospital administration.
She was lucky to achieve so much with so little education-
just the sweat of her brow and making it up the
food chain by sheer hard work and lots of luck.
Myself, I hold a high school diploma, a bachelors degree in Fine Arts,
and a Masters Degree in Education: Art Ed and Art Therpy-
I also hold an unraveling mind
trapped beneath the glass,
of mental illness.
I too, have worked very hard for everything that life has given me.
The difference of course, is i roughly earn
only 6,000$ per year from ssdi.
She I am sure earns well over 50,000$
plus her spouse also works-he is a republican,
a private businessman.
My spouse works too, yet barely above
the minimum wage. He cuts meat for a living,
a honest job-yet does not count as high paying.
I do not consider us to be “greedy”people.
I also do not consider us to be”godless”.
he is an atheist and I am Wiccan.
She was attacking me,
verbally on the grounds of the sanctity of marriage & her ugly limited,
view of her God-not mine-not understanding-
I no longer follow her bible-
the law she swallows,
things we were taught as small children.
These beliefs instilled in her outrage,
that i could consider ending a loving marriage
just to earn a increase in monthly benefits…
She has not walked a mile in my shoes.
She does not understand how difficult it can be-
to subside on only $6,000 for an entire year.
Yes, I am married.
Yes, I do love my husband.
But is it wrong for me to want better for us?
When i have been looking for even a part-time job,
for over 18 months….
had countless interviews,
but no callbacks…
is it wrong for me to end a formality,
a paper contract between he and i,
that would increase my SSDI benefits,
by over double the amount they are now?
Is it fair to my husband,
that he pay for everything
and I do not pay my share?
She advised me to simply quit smoking.
This is a brilliant idea-
I often encounter by non-smokers.
As if it were simply that easy to stop?
Besides even if I did quit that would only free up 350-400$ per month.
Nothing like, the over $800 in benefits, i lost
by marrying my heart, true love, the man of my dreams.
At the time, I did not think losing,
all that money would be so hard.
At the time, just over 2 years ago,
I thought i would earn a nice income-
from a masters degree in art therapy.
but i did not.
and now, my older sister berates me,
on the importance of the sanctity of marriage,
and the strength of marriage vows.
Please do not beat me up with guilt,
over your limited and narrow definition of God.
That is not my God nor my Goddess.
We believe in separate things entirely.
Your ugly, limited view of God and all that
that must contain.
Beating me up with the Religion of my childhood,
Trying to prevent me from committing an unknown sin.
Your God is not my God.
My God does not sit upon a shelf,
trapped between ivory pages
of a little yet well known book-
that is used in many purposes to do more harm than good.
I have not gotten any more tattoos since my last major mania in summer 2007.
I have one, in mind, i have wanted a really long time. It’s of a tarot card from the very first tarot deck i ever owned. My husband is against this because he claims that the Tarot freaks some people out AND while i know he is right, the inner gypsy in me cannot stop longer for this tattoo. His other argument is invalid-it concerns my ability to get a job. The reason that that argument is completely invalid is i already have tattoos all over my arms which when and if employed i will have to cover anyways-so one more on my arm, will not make a difference to anybody but me, and i feel it would make me happy. Because I have wanted this tattoo for a very long time now.
My loving hubby has no room to critque, argue, or talk anyways. The guy has an entire sleeve tattoo on his right arm and an entire back piece too. Part of why i fell heads over heels for him was all his tattoos-he has way more than i do, and it makes me feel left out.
My sister-in law, does tattoos-she did my last one in fact. I just do not know if she would be willing to do another, because i have no job, i cannot pay her anything. I offered to “barter” a painting in exchange-we’ll see-she probably will say no. But its worth a shot. Geez, its been 6 years since i got any new ink.