Sick of running

Sick of running-

Emily H. Sturgill

May 4, 2015

So sick and tired of running-running away from my feelings/running away from my lover/running away from my best friend/

So sick of running away from this man who im in love with/Its been almost fifteen years now/cannot deny/the more i love/

the higher i fly.

im sick of running.

i am done with the rewind process.

i blink. i cry. i open my eyes.

suddenly stuck back on the rewind.

and its there again. im the misfit. i am only 18. i am running away again.

i run away from my parents home again and again repeatedly.

i run away from the man who loves me-

because of this fear-this phobia-the things i do not dare-to face myself.

So sick and tired of running-running away from my feelings/running away from my lover/running away from my best friend/

So sick of running away from this man who im in love with/Its been almost fifteen years now/cannot deny/the more i love/

the higher i fly.

I am so deeply sorry for my stubborn refusal/to face myself/in a mirror.

I am so sick of running away/deep down/somewhere/inside/i am scared/so i hide./terrified/

So sick and tired of running-running away from my feelings/running away from my lover/running away from my best friend/

So sick of running away from this man who im in love with/Its been almost fifteen years now/cannot deny/the more i love/

the higher i fly.

I am sick of running./i want to just stay home with you/i want to stay/always/near you./im scared/i will lose you./

I cannot promise/that this fear/won’t overcome me/again./but im attempting/to face my demons./to slay them./

So sick and tired of running-running away from my feelings/running away from my lover/running away from my best friend/

So sick of running away from this man who im in love with/Its been almost fifteen years now/cannot deny/the more i love/

the higher i fly.

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Not enough

Not enough-

Dec 26th, 2014

Friday Afternoon 2:49 EST

Not enough

Never enough

Not enough

sleep.

Not enough,

to eat.

Not enough,

to touch the sky & kidnap the Sun.

Not enough, to learn how to fly,

just enough to become

untied

undone.

Not enough to reach outwards and find it.

Not enough to reach out, and grab the happy

right off someone else’s face,

because my happy

its become erased

misplaced

lost confusion.

It’s just not enough,

to fix up this place.

It’s not enough to straighten

this room, to clean between the cracks, to sweep

a broom across this dusty room

deep inside my minds eye.

Not enough,

to touch the sky & kidnap the Sun.

Not enough, to learn how to fly,

just enough to become

untied

undone.

It’s not enough to

try to run, to sprint, to finish

the race.

I’m fresh out of lungs

the air is too sharp, cold and dry-

It’s not enough,

to just sit here

waiting for you

to get home.

It’s not enough, to be a failure as a housewife,

to be a successful lunatic

with a Masters Degree

and no job prospects.

It’s not enough

to be a crazy person,

living on SSDI, it’s not enough, to always

live in someone else’s shadow

it’s not enough

to be the ghost

you can come home

and answer too.

Don’t you understand?

My wings may have melted, because I flew

too closely to the Sun

but I have dreams too.

I do not long to be

someone else’s

no one.

Autumn slides in

As Summer slips away

from frayed sunburned fingers

and children at play-

the weather starts to crumble

and Autumn slides in.

 

As Summer slips away,

the nights get colder

the wind gets bolder

the light begins to dim at dusk

when suddenly,

Autumn slides in.

 

As Summer slips away,

swimsuits get traded for sweaters

green leaves begin to spin

into gold, bronze, and red

as Autumn slides in.

 

As Summer slips away,

the thermostat gets switched from off

to on, blankets cover the bedsheets

and feeling a chill

we watch the sky just as

Autumn slides in.

 

Autumn slides in

to home plate as spectators all

begin the yearly cheer

Autumn slides in,

bringing us home again.

The Firecracker

The Firecracker-10/02/14

Thursday 1:51pm EST

The clock stands still

at 2 O’Clock.

I feel the crispness of the Fan.

As I silently wait for her.

The one who buys groceries,

in her sixty-ish skin,

fraile yet forever,

frisky.

 

She’ll carry all of them,

in by herself-

if I don’t wait to greet her.

 

Her-She-She is,

the One

with Ab-fib,

history of heart attacks, high blood pressure,

diabetes type 2 and even more…

 

But despite all of that,

She’s a Spitfire.

Do not Ever,

underestimate her.

 

She’s stubborn,

like a shotgun.

She is solid like granite,

although she bears a few

cracks.

 

The clock stands still

at 2 O’Clock.

I feel the cool crispness

of the Fan.

 

And I plan

to remain here,

sitting silently

waiting,

 

for my husband’s Mother,

to come bursting through

the front door

like a firecracker.

 

(sidenote: just 2 hrs after I wrote this poem, I caught her outside attempting to mow our lawn. I yelled to her She shouldn’t do that that She knows she is not supposed too. Ignoring me, She did the 1/3 of the backyard she could manage and came inside for a nap. When I complained to my husband he just laughed at me….)

Ode to Red

Ode to Red-

the color of passion
the color of heat
the color of paint on my
bedroom walls.

the color of Apples
the color of lipstick
the color of pain.

the color of new womanhood
the color of nail polish
the color of the fastest car
on the block.

Red is the color
of Anger
of Vanity
of Love
of Lust
of Sex

and all the rest.
love

Red is
the color of a new day
beginning to dawning.

Red is the color
of rubies
of jewels
of revenge
of Power

of kissing

but most of all,
Red is the color of
my beating heart
whenever it is missing
You.

Red is the color of Birth.
and Red is:

the color of passion
the color of heat
the color of paint on my
bedroom walls.

the color of Apples
the color of lipstick
the color of pain.

the color of new womanhood
the color of nail polish
the color of the fastest car
on the block.

but most of all,
Red is the color of
my beating heart
whenever it is missing
You.

Red is the color of Birth.
Each day that we awaken,
we are born anew.
we are struggling
with only
the re-birthing process

like caterpillar to butterfly
Each day we change and become
something re-born, something mighty, something
as large and lonely
as Hope.

Each day we shed our sins
we shed our snakeskins
and begin again with the coming
Dawn

and the color Red.

but most of all,
Red is the color of
my beating heart
whenever it is missing
You.

Five hours later…

Five hours later…
and my ugly mood passes
like the breeze
of a windy day
the bad mood simply lifts
then passes away…

five hours later…
and all I can say
is the chirping of birds
does not bother
my annoyance has swayed.

five hours later…
and I decide
not to ruin, the rest of my day.
Days they are
so very short
it seems

so very useless
to waste them away
with headaches and apathy.

five hours later…
my husband/ lover will come
back home to me soon.

bringing me smiles and wearing
my heart as a prize onto his sleeve.

Perfection is Nobody,
and I cannot attain a perfect
happiness everyday
yet I can self-reflect

and appreciate all the gifts,
that I got. And be happy that
I have Love in my Life
because for some that simply
is out of reach.

Why feel misery when there
is a cool thoughtful breeze
passing through the air

and a clearing of consciousness
to the evaporated thoughts
that brought me back
to here.

Moodiness passes…
Five hours later
and I am looking forward
to family time,
cuddling my sweetheart
and watching tv.

Five hours later,
the winds have shifted
I am feeling a bit free.

For the love of Animals…

For the Love of Animals,
all kinds
the Big, the Small, the Fat
or Skinny
the ones who are Tall.

All the critters
and creatures
who bless me
daily with their loving
gentle presence.

I cannot imagine my
Life without
my fur-friends.

They give, give, give
so much of themselves
without asking much from us-
some food, some water
a belly tummy rub
or a scratch behind the ears.

For the Love of Animals
is one thing I am
deeply most grateful.
They understand beyond our words.
They understand our hearts
without us trying to explain.

They bear a simple wisdom and
a lovely loyal kindness.

They bear a simple wisdom
and a lovely loyal kindness.

They simply Love Us.
For the Love of Animals,
all kinds
the Big, the Small, the Fat
or Skinny
the ones who are Tall.

All the critters
and creatures
who bless me
daily with their loving
gentle presence.

I cannot imagine my
Life without
my fur-friends.
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