Yesterday, oh how I cried.
Huge horrible torrents of tears.
My husband did not know what to do-
he never really does, when I stumble
backwards into depression again.
My manias are easier for him to understand-
and he’s seen so many more of those-than this.
This black terror fit.
This wave crashing downwards upon me,
crushing me to the bone.
crushing me to my soul.
When I get like this, I cannot help myself;
I collapse in crying fits, jagged waves with razor teeth edges.
I cry so hard, I barely make a sound-just this gasping breathe-this sobbing mess.
I realize, of course I have so many blessings.
I have a loving husband, for the most part a very happy marriage.
I have many friends. I have a roof over my head, bills are paid, food in the house.
5 lovely fur-pets. A beautiful house and backyard. Our backyard has wonderful
But despite all the good-the depressions still sneak up upon me.
I cry for the have-nots.
I cry because I cannot find employment.
I have been looking over 18 months.
I cry because I have a history of miscarriages,
and infertility. I cry because I have mental illness, and
no matter how hard I try or which magic pills I swallow
I am still slightly crazy one day to the next.
I feel as though because I have been on disability so long…
that I have no worth as a person. I believe a job or a career
in many ways defines you, and for me? I have nothing but years of blank spaces.
I just recently finished a masters degree. Unfortunately, after I got it, I realized;
it is a slightly useless one. I should have gotten a counseling degree…
instead I got a masters of Education: major in art Ed with a core focus of art therapy.
As lovely as that sounds, nobody will hire me.
I do not even have a teaching certificate.
I owe a fortune in student loans…
This most recent hypomania-back at the end of may-
well it nailed me.
And now I’m spiraling downwards without a staircase.
I struggle with broken-down-hands
to grab the gratitude, the blessings, the happiness
the optimism still there.
There is great love all around in this big beautiful world.
I need to find some deep inside myself, forgive my own
imperfections and share something pretty with the world.