An altar of belief:

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An altar by belief,
stands alone in the north west corner,
of my bedroom.
it is the place onto which,
i allow my beliefs to sit.

every once in a while,
i linger there
lighting three candles,
and say my prayers,
with my heart-
not my lips.

my lips do not seem fit.
to express what my heart
longs and shouts out for;
justice, a good life, an omen
or a sign, to allow
me to practice,

the fine art of allowance and
of course self-acceptance.

magical meditations, covered in mystery.
set the stage for most of human
history.

i have an altar of belief which sits,
upon my north-west corner.
Even if my Gods and Goddesses,
are ancient fairy tales to you…

please respect my beliefs,
as I try to respect yours.
if more folks do not try;
to sway and convert the masses,

think of all the less holy wars,
that would be raging
across many a foreign land.

all it takes is a small slit opening,
into your heart,
and some peace and understanding;
for those who see the world much
differently than you do.

blessings-tidings-mote it be,
hence tied by three.

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love does not leave

IMAG0906Love does not leave. But sometimes I do. the love itself remains the same. I just have a quirky case of runaway-train-blues. I do not feel like leaving just yet. It wounds him beyond belief whenever I choose to run away. Running away without a compass, a map or even simply a place to stay. His regrets are many what can happen to a mentally ill person-a mentally ill woman-not any woman-but his wife-how can he keep her safe where she runs and flees the people who care the most?

Love does not leave. But sometime I do, the love itself remains the same.

how can i describe ? The feelings of a hurricane jammed into a small 5 x 7 picture frame, frightened to half-death, the weather is messy in here. The moods are wild and frenzied. The person is clearly misunderstood. But how can you understand a lunatic howling at the moon?

How can you understand a tidal wave which is missing its flood?

How can you understand my foreign strange religious views? On New Age, metaphysical, occult and wiccan pagan rituals?

How can an atheist possible relate to the comfort my religion gives to me?

Or how can he understand that each and every spell i have ever done is much akin to prayers?

Should i swallow it all down, tooth and nail, beyond the pale,

that my witchcraft is further proof that i am just another manic-depressive, messy and confounded,

by my own mass confusion-by my own mass solitude?

This is all always used against me,

lit another match and burn me on a stake,

for heavens sake do something quick,

before i wander off aimlessly again…

nowhere to go, no compass, no map, no plan of attack.

love does not leave,

but sometimes i do.

 

Her ugly limited view of god

IMAG0907 (1)My sister and i

were on the telephone,

when i mentioned my husband and self-

maybe seeking an annulment

in order to get a portion of my social security

benefits restored.

She was furious with me.

She gave me a huge angry lecture,

citing the importance of Love,

and the sanctity of marriage.

It come out of nowhere,

this fright train of outrage.

She stream-rolled me, with

I would not end my marriage-

over such a small amount of money Emily.

this she said with words made of bees

not of honey….her quick judgement of me.

This extra amount of money would be

in fact quite insignificant to my sister.

Yet compared to us and all of our struggles;

Her and her husband live on the high horse-

She herself has never even acquired a

4 year bachelors degree-yet she has made it-

achieving much, in the world of hospital administration.

She was lucky to achieve so much with so little education-

just the sweat of her brow and making it up the

food chain by sheer hard work and lots of luck.

Myself, I hold a high school diploma, a bachelors degree in Fine Arts,

and a Masters Degree in Education: Art Ed and Art Therpy-

I also hold an unraveling mind

trapped beneath the glass,

of mental illness.

I too, have worked very hard for everything that life has given me.

The difference of course, is i roughly earn

only 6,000$ per year from ssdi.

She I am sure earns well over 50,000$

plus her spouse also works-he is a republican,

a private businessman.

My spouse works too, yet barely above

the minimum wage. He cuts meat for a living,

a honest job-yet does not count as high paying.

I do not consider us to be “greedy”people.

I also do not consider us to be”godless”.

he is an atheist and I am Wiccan.

She was attacking me,

verbally on the grounds of the sanctity of marriage & her ugly limited,

view of her God-not mine-not understanding-

I no longer follow her bible-

the law she swallows,

things we were taught as small children.

These beliefs instilled in her outrage,

that i could consider ending a loving marriage

just to earn a increase in monthly benefits…

She has not walked a mile in my shoes.

She does not understand how difficult it can be-

to subside on only $6,000 for an entire year.

Yes, I am married.

Yes, I do love my husband.

But is it wrong for me to want better for us?

When i have been looking for even a part-time job,

for over 18 months….

had countless interviews,

but no callbacks…

is it wrong for me to end a formality,

a paper contract between he and i,

that would increase my SSDI benefits,

by over double the amount they are now?

Is it fair to my husband,

that he pay for everything

and I do not pay my share?

She advised me to simply quit smoking.

This is a brilliant idea-

I often encounter by non-smokers.

As if it were simply that easy to stop?

Besides even if I did quit that would only free up 350-400$ per month.

Nothing like, the over $800 in benefits, i lost

by marrying my heart, true love, the man of my dreams.

At the time, I did not think losing,

all that money would be so hard.

At the time, just over 2 years ago,

I thought i would earn a nice income-

from a masters degree in art therapy.

but i did not.

and now, my older sister berates me,

on the importance of the sanctity of marriage,

and the strength of marriage vows.

Please do not beat me up with guilt,

over your limited and narrow definition of God.

That is not my God nor my Goddess.

We believe in separate things entirely.

Your ugly, limited view of God and all that

that must contain.

Beating me up with the Religion of my childhood,

Trying to prevent me from committing an unknown sin.

Your God is not my God.

My God does not sit upon a shelf,

trapped between ivory pages

of a little yet well known book-

that is used in many purposes to do more harm than good.

Haunted part 2

Not just one,

but 2 ghosts made out

of human vice.

 

I’ve been haunted,

by the second one for over a decade.

It’s the memory which lingers,

like a stain of lipstick

round the coffee cup chipped china.

 

The bluest eyes-or stormy sea-form green?

I cannot remember too vividly.

Probably, because your memory scorns me.

You were something other-worldly.

 

You were like a blast from my past,

that i do not recall having.

You were an enigma wrapped up in secrecy,

novel and random, with your apple slices,

of honesty.

 

You never meant,

to mark such a mark on me.

And I think you were quite accustomed,

to various woman falling

all over themselves

to fall in love with you

 

 

but no not me.

i looked into those soulful eyes,

and got a little lost in the stormy sea.

I did not sway, waiver or pray.

I did not fall all over myself-falling into

love or lust over you.

I did something far worse to you…

I ran, not even walked, I ran away RAN away-

 

from you from everything,

from everybody,

I just took off-

and you knew where-

 

I was headed for more looney bins, more psych units,

more doctors to cure me,

of all my pagan delusions,

and flights of fancy.

 

You knew the mistake i was in.

You knew the mess I had been.

You lived it before your own self.

 

You tried to warn, then beg, then plead,

I refused to listen, i think i just hung up on you.

Years later, I found you again-must have been 5 yrs later.

We met by accident in downtown Detroit.

 

You flirted, you blink your lovely eyelashes at me.

I never took for a moment the possibility

that you were being serious with me.

 

You were concerned, that I was wondering around homeless.

You tried to describe where you lived, but i was way too far out.

I should have went home with you.

But I did the easy thing, i ran away again.

I never did understand the strange connection we had.

I never will understand

why the memory of you,

somebody i barely,

knew,

 

still haunts me, to this day.

you were the original magick man.

even though you were the second one I ever met…

 

there was some way we

just connected,

that made absolutely no sense to me.

 

If I did believe in things like

karma, love at first sight, soul mates

any of that-it would make me miss you even more.

 

but if you popped back into my life,

tomorrow,

i would probably run fast

like my ass was on fire.

 

I did marry for love,

and I do love him, and we are very happy.

 

But somehow, i have never

completely gotten over you,

you left a thumbprint on my

heart-which later turned

a memory into

a scar.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Religion makes me very uneasy…

Religion makes me very uneasy.

The one i believe in, versus the one you preach from.

Pulpit, and preacher, your Bible tells you what to do.

How nice and refreshing, that must be for you-even comforting.

I am glad you have found “your-way.” (cough,cough,cough)

Please do not force your opinion of God, down my throat,

my throats been kinda dry, i may just throw up or choke.

Pulpit, and preacher, your Bible tells you what to do.

How very nice for you…. but do not go out, trying to “Save my Soul.”

I was both baptized and confirmed very very very, long ago.

Under your golden rule-book that means “I’m saved.”

But do not make assumptions, about things, you do not understand.

My Religion is older than yours is. I worship a pantheon of Gods and Goddesses, how dare you to assume, that I am something, some call “Satanic”.

I do not even believe in Satan, or the Bible or God, as you misrepresent him.

If i mention one small iota about my religion, my Goddess, or Tarot Decks or an New Age belief, If I damn please

-then you are horribly offended.

That is the role in life you choose for you-not me-now,

do i get all hysterical and go off

on you because you mention you are “praying” for a friend.

Or making endless face-book quotes- on how much you love Jesus?

Do I ever try to tell you, that loving Jesus is a Sin??? No. No. No. Not at all.

I respect your beliefs, so please can you just,

re-consider accepting mine are different, from yours, and leave it at that.

The Great European Witch-hunts were over, many ages ago.

 

How about we do not bring them back?

Why am i so defensive?

Well, because you’ve got me under attack.

please keep your rosary to yourself, the same goes for your evangelical preaching.

If you wanna go throw a bible in my face, I’m going to simply say

, Jesus taught you to, “love thy neighbor as thyself.”

Religion makes me very uneasy;

in fact i feel a little queasy.

A prayer for the Earth

earth day drawing 1

A prayer for the Earth by Emily Sturgill 4/23/13

Mother Goddess Gaia,

Oh Great One in the Sky,

Once worshiped as Divine.

Isis, Ra, Nut, Osiris;

Demeter, Hades, Persephone….

Gods and Goddess of old both down and above,

Hear our prayers for our little planet,

and bring forth some love.

Bring us the midnight sky, and her highness the Moon,

shining brightly Round and Full, in her own sheer gorgeous brillance.

Bring us the rainbows at the ends of the storm-clouds,

Light up our souls with sunrise and sunsets,

and the time, spent in-between.

Show us your power and glory-

led us by the example of

Earth’s joyous beauty,

so we treat our planet better and thank her more.

So we give God the Sun, a reason to keep on spinning and shining brightly-

not only for us-but our children too-or the children of others if we bear

no fruit of our own. Dearest Hecate, Gaia, Kali,-Mother Earth,

please forgive our past transgressions,

as we trample our lovely planet,

and take for granted the simple beauty beneath our feet.

The ground, the dirt we walk on is a hallowed

space.

The Earth itself a holy place.

Let’s not forget,

the Earth does not belong to us Alone,

We belong to the Earth itself.

Remember her beauty, <Mother Nature> Goddess Earth,

not just on Earth Day but everyday. Seek out her beauty within all of us, and around us everywhere.

Observe the singularly beauty in her teardrops as the Rain falls,

nurturing our forests and crops.

Observe the Earth’s light within your own,

might and power. It is all around, it is everywhere and everything, it is inside all of us.

It is our Earth and we should respect her.

Earth day drawing1Happy Earth Day everybody.