Tears fill my eyes leaking out at the corners…

Tears fill my eyes, leaking out at the corners…

is the love i thought i knew,

the love i thought i had with you.

 

Did you ever really love me?

Are you even capable of that?

now, that i have escaped both your grasp,

and your liars heart…

i can listen to my inner voice inside

my head, warning me that you

 

are a very dangerous man indeed.

warning me to not fall for the pity-trap.

to close my ears while you say,please.please.please.

Listen, i will change.

 

and I guess in all this time;

to your credit, you did change

except its for the worst.

 

How did i fall for this?

Was i really so desperate,

for anybody to love me-that

i settled for you???

 

Somebody who loves to love,

and somebody who hates that which

he loves, as a vicious abusive-controlling

mind game.

 

it hurts me deeply-

to realize now after 13 years,

i never knew the real you.

 

it was all stage lightening and fake drama.

you were always an actor,

playing a part,

yet also a wolf lunging for my heart.

 

You could paint a nice story

with words alone. My family adored you.

But they were without all the facts.

 

And i was too scared to tell them on you.

the emotional, mental abuse was more often

then the physical stuff.

 

Despite my Daddy telling me, “Do not ever let a man put his arms on you in anger.”

“Don’t ever let a man hit you.”

Despite these facts-i choose only to see your halo.

The one i gave to you.

 

If only i would have stared harder-

i would have seen it as broken, rusty

an obtusity.

falling off the edge of the world

im going under the radar, again. In fact ive fallen through the ice and off the edge of the world. A close friend of mine tried to warn me, to tell me that my marriage was doomed from the start. Instead of liistening to my friend who has neverdecieved me or lied about anything ever to me at all….i laughed off his commonsense as bitterness at being alone….because i had true love? What did my friend know? Turns out a great deal so ty ken. I wish i was not soo busy being a dumb idiotic naive bitch, to notice, when you said it sounded like i was having a bad marriage. And married some type of jerk….which indeed i did, and had.

Such a jerk in fact that he threatened me with, if his life sucked bad enough he would consider murder-suicide as a logical option. By murder he meant ME-as I get no say or vote…that made me go hmmm….for at least 2 weeks. Before something popped into my head, roughly 3 or 4 mornings ago-that he was desperately serious and really that effed up that if he’s ending his sorry life-his taking me along too….um, thanks but no thanks. Don’t me mind, at all, i am just gonna do a little magic trick….fairy dust, + vanish poof= divorce….wife bye bye.

I did attempt leaving on Thursday, but unfortunately, i listened to some folks not aware of her serious the abuse has been….so i called and listened. All the beautiful, magic, b.s. lies he said, all the right things, all the stuff he knew i wanted to hear. Like a fool with a death-wish, i went back home with him.

What i did not know, was every promise he tried to make was pure 100% bullshit and he meant none of it at all and nothing would change. When i discovered that i began suspecting i made a serious error in trusting him.

But since im hopeless romantic-(replace romance with stupid here) i still did not get the clue until he had me pinned against my bed one hand smashing my face into our mattress, and the other grabbing my left should hard digging his nails into me. All the while well screaming” Are you gonna call the cops?” “Are ya gonna call the cops?” i had no idea what the hell he was talking about-at the moment i was hysterically crying and just hoping and praying: that A. he did not beat the shit out of me and B. he did not try to kill me, because for a few minutes, he did have paranoid evil eyes-that looked very much-like the eyes of someone insane enough to try to kill you.

Luckily, i was able to talk him down and also i was able to pretend very hard the next day that everything was fine, in fact our marriage is perfect!!! Which i keep the charade, going until both he and his crazy-ass bitch mom left the house.

Then as calmly as possible i packed my shit and left. i knew who to call and where to go. Stupid soon to be ex-husband ain’t the first man who has raised a hand to me. But, tell you what, i bet he is going to be the last.

Anyone have good info on how to properly pawn/sell a wedding ring and get the biggest amount of usa dollars for it?? please comment below-thanks, emily

 

 

Senseless

Senseless-2/11/13 By Emily H. Sturgill

Senseless, is how I become, when there are/

Too many/sensations/thoughts/feelings/

I numb myself with sleep/food/sex/chocolate

With the rapid-fire/imagery of the internet/ to all the negative news ads/

Each night/on the news/all the same glory-gory/stories

Someone got/shot/raped/robbed/or mugged/again.

Or there is a story about politics/over-seas/terrorism/or

There is a story about how EMS never came/or the fire-trucks/did not make it/

To save that little 5 year old angel boy or girl/or there was a case of horrible animal cruelty/or neglect.

Another house burned down with a 79 year old woman trapped inside/or maybe there is a rapist on the loose/or a teenager who ran away from home?/I hate watching the news/and people do not get why?/it is because it’s senseless-the violence-the harm we commit onto one another/ there are not enough happy stories on the news/it focuses on the negative/watching the news is as depressing as hell/and they say I cannot live in a bubble/ that I need to be “notified” of how the world really is/and stay up to date with current affairs/why bother?/I can almost predict/ I live very close to Detroit/I bet somebody got shot and killed there today/ I bet someone else had their house burn down/I bet a young 23 year old mother of three got car-jacked and her two year old toddler was still in the mini-van/why?/because the type of stuff happens in our city everyday/and the politicians just keep reducing vital services like police/ EMTS/EMS/Fireman/Working Fire-trucks/ and then they are also taking money away from our schools/our kids/our future/it’s only going to get worse/So yeah I don’t like to watch the news./

I try as much as I can/to not feel/to not care/to desensitize myself/from “reality”/from the fact that the poor keep getting poorer/ and the rich keep getting richer/ and everything’s just going to get/a hell of a lot worse/here in Michigan.

So I numb myself/with food/or chocolate/or cigarettes/or the internet.

I try to get hold of my senses-to rein them all in to become “senseless” to no longer feel, anything at all.