thinking too much

thinking too much…

12/31/14

thinking too much…

about all this crap & such.

i’ve been walking the highwire

for quite a while

and i’ve been struggling to deal

with things

and wounds

and people

who never heal.

 

everytime i try

to reach out & ask for help

people look at me like

i am way beyond crazy.

 

as if i were not living in

an ultra stressful situation

with my own sanity

constantly in question?

 

i don’t even know

how many ways

i’ve attempted or even tried

to say:

 

this is far too much for me

to handle

this is far too much for US

to handle

this is far too much for your brother

to handle…

 

you take it for granted

that we will always take care

of her for You.

 

But what if I can’t?

What if I told you, it’s straining our marriage,

its too much to deal with

She is constantly on the offensive

I feel like I am always under attack.

 

Her constant complaining.

Her constant screaming, cursing and yelling.

Her never-ending depressions.

 

I have a Serious Mental Illness.

Christ-if you cannot deal with her,

with the hell makes You think?!

that I can??

 

I feel like trying to cut my wrists.

To bleed a bit.

Just to alleviate-all this pain.

 

i feel like i am losing my mind.

i feel like i am clearly insane.

i feel like you do not give a

damn.

 

How long do you expect us-

to deal with all this

Mother stuff?

 

When do I get what you have?

A peaceful house alone with my husband-

why is that impossible for you to

understand?

 

thinking too much…

about all this crap & such.

i’ve been walking the highwire

for quite a while

and i’ve been struggling to deal

with things

and wounds

and people

who never heal.

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Raging Bull

My mind can go faster than your car.

I can go from zero-to over one-hundred in the space of minutes,

or the space of hours.

It seems like it would be a blessing,

but its more like a curse.

It is a raging bull-on fire-I get so tangled

and twisted into my own stupid desire.

My mind can go faster than your car.

My stupid thoughts spin freely,

like a washing machine on empty.

The nonsense covers me,

completely-

like a young child hiding out into a

pile of beautiful crunchy Autumn leaves.

My mind can go faster than your car,

and that is a wild, bad and dangerous thing.

In fact, I must be constantly medicated

for this so I do not SPIN-OUT OF CONTROL.

It is not a mild, or pretty sight,

this brain is on fire, like a raging bull,

I see RED and only and all of:

my secret desire.

I wish to be

NORMAL.

UNFORTUNATELY…

its just not the case, because my mind

can go faster than your car.