an iny_tRo_ duction

an iny_tRo_ duction.

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Gimme a taste:

Gimme me a taste of this:

by Emily H. Sturgill 5/6/15

The color of honeydew

plush inside, hard on the outside.

Inside the soft firm pastel of

peach..

I try but its so hard to reach!

Gimme a taste of this:

what is this strange fruit?

What is this strange splice-

this thing called

Happiness…this mysterious?

nice?

Gimme a taste of this

the secret of spice.

the strange sound

of my own voice’s

laughter.

oh dear what is this matter?

this strangely

sweet desire.

Gimme a taste of this

this strange fruit

softly sweet colored peach,

something yummy to eat,

hard as a rock

on its shell.

cracked open the aroma

this sweet smell…

Gimme a taste of this:

the crackling of laughter

the glow inside

of joy

the noise of music

the aroma of something nice

to wear as a cloak

of musty spice.

Gimme a taste of this:

happiness.

it’s been out of reach,

just so long-now finally

i can pull you closer

and welcome you

into somewhere nice.

My Adventures into Endometriosis Stage IV land…

Endometriosis is a chronic pain illness that affect 1 in 10 women worldwide.

Basically Endometriosis has no known proven cause and no proven cures. One theory about how endometriosis develops is that it develops while the woman is a fetus in utero. Then there are other theories-one I believe is the Migration theory because it makes the most sense to me and my hubby both. Basically this is a hypothesis that endo starts in the endometrial lining of a woman’s uterus-now the cause remains unknown but the theory suggests that somehow those cells in the body-endometrial lining cells are able to migrate out of a wombs uterus/womb. They then implant in places like the bowels, the ovaries, the sciatic nerves, the back and the legs and of course the pelvis.

My journey began in 2006, when i was diagnosed with an ovarian cysts. Most and many of the obgyns I went too, only wanted to monitor it to see if it would go away? Finally in 2009, a new doctor wanted to try to remove it using laparoscopic surgery.This dr was older and experienced but it just happened she was not experienced with this illness. She was actually a plastic surgeon obgyn. She helped women after they had babies have some strange surgery to make their vaginias appear as if they never had babies before? So she was an expert in that.

After she operated on me she said she could not remove the cyst only drain it and explained it was a chocolate cyst and that meant i had a condition called endometriosis. She sent me to a different surgeon who was an expert in infertility. That led to another operation called a pelviscopy-to see if my fallopian tube worked?  Sure enough one tube was blocked but we were somewhat shocked to discover the other one worked. The other surprise was all of my female organs were literally ‘stuck together” due to my disease.That last surgery was in 2010. Since then I tried many different obgyns and other methods to control my pain or increase fertility. Sadly I did get pregnant in 2011 only to miscarry within six weeks of conception.

I have not see a OBGYN since 2012. My hubby finally pleaded for me to go to one at least for a female check up-pap,breast and pelvic exam.I am debating whether another surgery would help me or not.

In the meantime though I compiled all the endometriosis poetry off my blog last month and wrote a poetry chapbook.

Currently it is FREE to download:

to get a free copy follow the link below, but i must warn you it contains some profanity, and some vividly described imagery:

http://www.amazon.com/Dont-make-bleed-Confessions-Uterus-ebook/dp/B00VOIHPO6/ref=asap_bc?ie=UTF8

ALSO THE PAPERBACK VERSION IS AVAILABLE AS A FREE GOODREADS RAFFLE GIVEAWAY:

TO WIN A FREE SIGNED COPY ENTER HERE:

https://www.goodreads.com/giveaway/show/135617-don-t-watch-me-bleed-confessions-of-a-uterus-in-pain-poetry

people come, and people go…

Sometimes for

unfathomable reasons i do not fully claim to understand,

people come into your life

serving some unknown undesired unfulfilled

purpose

leaving faint sandpaper scratch marks

upon your heart

just as a pencil leaves a mark

upon an empty page.

these mysterious people for some unknown

reason they reach out and touch

your very soul & shake its roots

down to the core

and then???

who knows?

they disappear just as fast

as breaking glass

its like an accident

fracturing into fragments

which tumble into remnants

of a long forgotten

past.

people come, and people go…

I do not seem to understand the reasons why.

but I am frequently rejected, confused, shattered

in pieces wondering the why?

what did i do?

to drive them away?

what did i say?

What did i do?

to lose a friend

as true as you?

obviously

you never felt the same way.

obviously it was my fault

to think you would feel

the same way

as I

that you would want

to maintain our friendship?

instead you walked away-

or quite possibly-?

more like RAN away AS fast as you can.

I wasn’t sure how I hurt you.

you acted like i never mattered to you

in the first place.

but people come,

and people go…

it’s not for me

to even know-the why, the who the where the how?

just this fact-

that people come

and people go.

Pain of plenty

The pain of plenty-

Awoken at 3:30 Am

pain washes over me

i ride it like waves

as a surfer surfs the shore

i ride it until

it don’t hurt no more.

The pain of plenty-

living with a chronic

pain condition

is frightening.

Until it becomes obvious-

most other persons

remain oblivious….

as i try

to just suck it up

like a little

piece of doom and misery-

drunk up with a straw.

And it’s the last,

straw i mean

the one that broke the camels…NO WAIT-

the straw that broke MY OWN back.

and sometimes i do not

handle it very well.

sometimes i do not

handle it well

at all.

instead I just smile

like a cheshire cat

and smoke my nicotine

in cigarettes, instead of a pipe.

I just smile and picture

the innocent people without

my disease, as if

I could whisper it into their ear

and then they could

twist, convulse contort and cry

for a while.

Just imagine all the haters

and the ones who do not believe-

just imagine them twisting into the wind

like a kite and sailing down

into my bloody landscape

my real estate

that’s constantly

up for sale-

somewhere in Hell.

Sadness grabbed there first.

Sadness grabbed there first

before I know what she was.

Sadness grabbed my heart She left

a white marked

trail

along the paths of veins and arteries.

ghostly fingers imprinted her mark

of fine woven sandy fingerprints

of the shadow of

an invisible sadness.

Sadness was a secret sister to me

she held me silently

even on all the days

I wept both crazy and madly.

Sadness she was with me

through everything

almost at all.

She cast a sudden sharp shadow

upon my happiest moments and

memories-She colored the most beautiful of days

into grayness colored ashes

the cremation of happiness

into an ugly urn

only I could see, while because Sadness

She touched me first there.

She grabbed my small heart

and left a lingering loneliness,

She left a longing for

teardrops unspent

a lingering romance

with her own tormentor and invention

a man in a blacken smog suit

some call

by the name

Depression.

 

 

Free Ebooks-starting Today!

Upcoming Free Kindle ebook Downloads*****Starts today!
Four of my Artist & Poetry chapbooks will be free to download as Kindle ebooks:

1-“Do not cry me a River of Crocodile Tears.”(2013)
2-“In Exile from Maxwell park:poems” (2014)
3-“Butterfly rimmed eyeglasses and the trouble with Tuesdays.”(2013)
4-“Red Bones.”(2014) be free to download. These titles will be free from 12/27/14-12/31/14.To download any of these titles please visit my Amazon.com‘s Author Page:www.amazon.com/author/emilysturgill    OR

http://www.amazon.com/Emily-Sturgill/e/B00B1GC5LY

In addition, my personal memoir about living with bipolar disorder,
5-“Memoirs recalled Madness: a personal account of living with manic-depressive disorder.” (2013) will also be free to download from 12-27-14 through 12/31/14.
To download #1 go HERE: http://www.amazon.com/not-cry-River-Crocodile-Tears-ebook/dp/B00DRN85YA/ref=asap_B00B1GC5LY?ie=UTF8
To download My Memoirs on living with Bipolar Disorder/Manic Depression please go HERE:
Keep checking my blog for Kindle deals, I have more deals starting on Dec 28-Jan 21, 2015.
Happy Holidays!!! If you have never read any of my ebooks but do enjoy this blog, the poetry in the books is very similar and I also add my own original artwork as well. You may enjoy them but it’s worth a look. They will be free so you can always delete later, if you decide you hate it or its not your cup of tea. Reviews are highly welcome-both positive or negative I enjoy feedback of any kind because it allows me to become more in tune with what readers like and what they do not care for.Thank you.-Emilywpid-cam01434.jpg Snapshot_20141223_3

there is no one else.

CAM00836 There is no one else. 08/05/14

deep inside

a divided mind

a shovel lies

buried

among dirt and ash.

In the fragments of

lingering hurt.

 

deep inside

a divided mind

covered by dirty leaves

and cobweb secrets-

(which belong only to me,)

 

deep inside

i feel split

into two…

 

the logical side

and the creative muse,

garnished together

within a battered white,

picket fence.

 

haunted,

i linger…

searching for ghosts.

 

but there is no one else.

The price tag of Positivity

The price tag of Positivity
by Emily Sturgill August 5, 2014

Anger
is dreadful.
They say-only think
the shiny sparkle
of happy silver shiny
positive thoughts.

So I in turn
turn my Anger
inside out

focusing the pointy
raw sharp knife edges,
into my own Soul.

I bury this Anger
so deeply…
I have not got a clue
where does it go?

but it does not stay
gone long

the buddha once said,
Life is suffering
and to this I do
agree.

When things are happiest
and seem perfect,
you know that deep down
sooner or later

richer or poorer,
its going to end.

And if we don’t allow
our Big and Wide enough Hearts
to contain Sorrow-
how will Joy ever slip in?

Heart of Tears and Fire-oil pastel and colored pencils by emily sturgill 2014

Push/Pull

Push/Pull

by Emily Sturgill 6/24/14

Push/Pull
that is the sum
of Us.

You pull me closer
just to push me away.

Or this, you pull me closer
and I am the one
to push you away.

Or this?

Do I pull you closer,
as you push me away?

It’s all semantics
this push/ pull game
that we both play.

Nobody is perfect.
And Nobody’s marriage is perfect
either, that one for sure
is true.

Everyday, as I taste my lips
the words I say to you
are
I love you

and you mirror
back to me,
i love you too…

but this push/ pull thing?

Why do we choose
to do the things we do?

And no, I don’t wanna
I don’t wanna
I don’t wanna…

fight and argue
with you.

for one thing
you do not fight fair.
you always fight dirty.

you spin, twist & turn
my words around
like a game of monopoly

you argue only to win,
when I fight with you-
its my attempt
to communicate with you.

in my opinion there are never
winners nor losers.
i want to get down to the middle
to the riddle of our
troubles

and settle the matter.
But you are too keen
on who wins or who loses/
and you are the most sore loser
I’ve ever seen.

why can’t we just agree
to disagree???

this pull/push thing
i hate feeling this way
it sure is a shitty
way to start my day.

If your in front of a door
and you push but nothing happens,
then you must compromise
and pull the door closer

just like me.