an iny_tRo_ duction

an iny_tRo_ duction.

My Adventures into Endometriosis Stage IV land…

Endometriosis is a chronic pain illness that affect 1 in 10 women worldwide.

Basically Endometriosis has no known proven cause and no proven cures. One theory about how endometriosis develops is that it develops while the woman is a fetus in utero. Then there are other theories-one I believe is the Migration theory because it makes the most sense to me and my hubby both. Basically this is a hypothesis that endo starts in the endometrial lining of a woman’s uterus-now the cause remains unknown but the theory suggests that somehow those cells in the body-endometrial lining cells are able to migrate out of a wombs uterus/womb. They then implant in places like the bowels, the ovaries, the sciatic nerves, the back and the legs and of course the pelvis.

My journey began in 2006, when i was diagnosed with an ovarian cysts. Most and many of the obgyns I went too, only wanted to monitor it to see if it would go away? Finally in 2009, a new doctor wanted to try to remove it using laparoscopic surgery.This dr was older and experienced but it just happened she was not experienced with this illness. She was actually a plastic surgeon obgyn. She helped women after they had babies have some strange surgery to make their vaginias appear as if they never had babies before? So she was an expert in that.

After she operated on me she said she could not remove the cyst only drain it and explained it was a chocolate cyst and that meant i had a condition called endometriosis. She sent me to a different surgeon who was an expert in infertility. That led to another operation called a pelviscopy-to see if my fallopian tube worked?  Sure enough one tube was blocked but we were somewhat shocked to discover the other one worked. The other surprise was all of my female organs were literally ‘stuck together” due to my disease.That last surgery was in 2010. Since then I tried many different obgyns and other methods to control my pain or increase fertility. Sadly I did get pregnant in 2011 only to miscarry within six weeks of conception.

I have not see a OBGYN since 2012. My hubby finally pleaded for me to go to one at least for a female check up-pap,breast and pelvic exam.I am debating whether another surgery would help me or not.

In the meantime though I compiled all the endometriosis poetry off my blog last month and wrote a poetry chapbook.

Currently it is FREE to download:

to get a free copy follow the link below, but i must warn you it contains some profanity, and some vividly described imagery:

http://www.amazon.com/Dont-make-bleed-Confessions-Uterus-ebook/dp/B00VOIHPO6/ref=asap_bc?ie=UTF8

ALSO THE PAPERBACK VERSION IS AVAILABLE AS A FREE GOODREADS RAFFLE GIVEAWAY:

TO WIN A FREE SIGNED COPY ENTER HERE:

https://www.goodreads.com/giveaway/show/135617-don-t-watch-me-bleed-confessions-of-a-uterus-in-pain-poetry

Pain of plenty

The pain of plenty-

Awoken at 3:30 Am

pain washes over me

i ride it like waves

as a surfer surfs the shore

i ride it until

it don’t hurt no more.

The pain of plenty-

living with a chronic

pain condition

is frightening.

Until it becomes obvious-

most other persons

remain oblivious….

as i try

to just suck it up

like a little

piece of doom and misery-

drunk up with a straw.

And it’s the last,

straw i mean

the one that broke the camels…NO WAIT-

the straw that broke MY OWN back.

and sometimes i do not

handle it very well.

sometimes i do not

handle it well

at all.

instead I just smile

like a cheshire cat

and smoke my nicotine

in cigarettes, instead of a pipe.

I just smile and picture

the innocent people without

my disease, as if

I could whisper it into their ear

and then they could

twist, convulse contort and cry

for a while.

Just imagine all the haters

and the ones who do not believe-

just imagine them twisting into the wind

like a kite and sailing down

into my bloody landscape

my real estate

that’s constantly

up for sale-

somewhere in Hell.

Suicide Song

Suicide song-

i think i know why,

the caged bird sings,

because it is loved, fed, petted & talked to.

i think i know why

some people choose to die.

sometimes  imagine it

sometimes i feel like i even want it.

the release

the sense of freedom & peace.

the escape…from it all…

two slit wrists

won’t lead me to paradise.

suicide is a terrifying car ride

that crashes and burns

not just taking you down,

but everyone else who cares about you

too.

Still i imagine, a bloody passionate fatal

mistake, which at this point

i am certain i will not make.

but still comes crashing

these thoughts which do burn

my dreams of becoming

someone who learns

from their mistakes.

I do not want to be

stuck deep down in the earth

lying in a cemetery,

I would rather be

that happy, caged bird which sings

because it is loved, petted , fed & talked too.

I am dealing with darkness

not because i really want too,

but because the darkness is here

all around my guilty, neglected, hateful

traitors heart.

two slit wrists

won’t lead me to paradise.

suicide is a terrifying car ride

that crashes and burns

not just taking you down,

but everyone else who cares about you

too.

The price tag of Positivity

The price tag of Positivity
by Emily Sturgill August 5, 2014

Anger
is dreadful.
They say-only think
the shiny sparkle
of happy silver shiny
positive thoughts.

So I in turn
turn my Anger
inside out

focusing the pointy
raw sharp knife edges,
into my own Soul.

I bury this Anger
so deeply…
I have not got a clue
where does it go?

but it does not stay
gone long

the buddha once said,
Life is suffering
and to this I do
agree.

When things are happiest
and seem perfect,
you know that deep down
sooner or later

richer or poorer,
its going to end.

And if we don’t allow
our Big and Wide enough Hearts
to contain Sorrow-
how will Joy ever slip in?

Heart of Tears and Fire-oil pastel and colored pencils by emily sturgill 2014

Not my circus, not my monkeys…

An old proverb
has been circling the
cybersphere lately…
Not my circus, not my monkeys.

I ponder its meaning.
As I re-examine
lost souls in my life.

sometimes the drama
is much too great
much too overwhelming
to engage in.

Not my circus, not my monkeys.
As I imagine cotton candy
high wire acts, a circus of
clowns.

Sometimes you can care
for a person quite
a lot but you do not
wish to go down the dark
hole of a tunnel
within them.

You try to lend
a helping hand
to lead them out of their darkness.

but as you try to grasp
for them their hand
just disappears and vanishes
into deep depression.

and its like a tornado
has a hold of them
and they are trying to
pull you down with their ship
like someone who is
only interested
in drowning.

and then you whisper
shellshocked,
not my circus.
not my monkeys.

Push/Pull

Push/Pull

by Emily Sturgill 6/24/14

Push/Pull
that is the sum
of Us.

You pull me closer
just to push me away.

Or this, you pull me closer
and I am the one
to push you away.

Or this?

Do I pull you closer,
as you push me away?

It’s all semantics
this push/ pull game
that we both play.

Nobody is perfect.
And Nobody’s marriage is perfect
either, that one for sure
is true.

Everyday, as I taste my lips
the words I say to you
are
I love you

and you mirror
back to me,
i love you too…

but this push/ pull thing?

Why do we choose
to do the things we do?

And no, I don’t wanna
I don’t wanna
I don’t wanna…

fight and argue
with you.

for one thing
you do not fight fair.
you always fight dirty.

you spin, twist & turn
my words around
like a game of monopoly

you argue only to win,
when I fight with you-
its my attempt
to communicate with you.

in my opinion there are never
winners nor losers.
i want to get down to the middle
to the riddle of our
troubles

and settle the matter.
But you are too keen
on who wins or who loses/
and you are the most sore loser
I’ve ever seen.

why can’t we just agree
to disagree???

this pull/push thing
i hate feeling this way
it sure is a shitty
way to start my day.

If your in front of a door
and you push but nothing happens,
then you must compromise
and pull the door closer

just like me.

She pushed me over…the edge…but you just watched.

She pushed me over,
the edge…but you…you were worse.
you just watched.
As I spread out eagle and jumped off
that great Ravine,
which we call the Edge.

It even surprises me.
This instantaneous
fucked up
suicidal feeling that emerges.

How easy it would be?
To disappear forever-into a pile of
psychotropic pills. To eat them bit by bit
swallow them all whole-just to
never feel this fucked up
anymore.

But I remain steadfast and strong.
I am no longer a goddamn child.
I’m not letting a bitch like you
ruin my life forever.

You already stole away my father-
that much is crystal clear
but what you underestimated
is i fight dirty
i fight back
and fight much harder
than your smack-

of bullshit and lies.
it ain’t worth it.
i refuse to go over an edge for you.
As my father stands silent-just watching me-

as a lucidity of a daydream
as my eyes grow wide-
and I threaten nonsense
I threatened suicide.

just to freak her out a bit.
I am no twit.
I had no intention of dying today.

But you should feel ashamed,
for messing with his mentally ill daughter.
Have you no heart, no moral compass, no inner guide-

Do you feel no remorse
for being a evil bitch
to me? You must be even far more
crazy than I am.

Don’t know why-
he married a fool like you?

The journey towards forgiveness

I do not usually post blog-style confesionals. I’m much more of a poet, than anything else. In fact in addition to my poetry online, I have been keeping multiple journals at home and handwritten. One is more private confessional journal type enteries and the other is mostly poems, ideas, and sometimes tarot readings I give myself or lists of things to do or lists of music playlists.

HERE…is mostly just where I share poems, unless I am all fired up. Today, I am all fired up and I think its vital to share because it might help others to move forward.

I am all fired up about the notion of forgiveness. In theory, I do believe it is better to forgive even if not forget or forgive ANd forget-whatever works best for you. But in practice I find this to be a slippery slope. i struggle very much on how to forgive, when to forgive and how to let go. Honestly, I hold horrible grudges. And they are horrible in truth because mostly they only serve to hurt me-myself-nobody else.

All that angry righteous high horse b.s. I desperately hold onto-a sense of who iswrong and who is right? Honestly, it does not serve me much any longer-in fact it wears me down, makes me feel guilty and mad, like an angry hornet shook lose from its nest.

so today, I was with my hubby and we were at the bookstore out of nowhere i spotted like the ideal book and he bought it for me with a couple other items. This book is called, “The forgiveness formula: how to let go of your pain and move on with Life.” It was on sale at barnes and nobles-only$6.98-hardcover-by author Kathleen Griffin. @2004.

I am only on pg 16 so far but this book is exactly what i needed to hear at this time. i am in fact blown away.I am just writing about this because forgiveness can be ajourney-a pathwy-towards feeling lighter-less burdened. And in my heart, i realize it is not an easy thing to forgive. That more folks than just myself struggle with it. Holding onto the past so tightly it only distorts your vision of the present moment and it poisons the well of your future happiness. This seems true to me.

Someday I really hope I can learn to forgive, hopefully sooner than later because all this angry i hold deep down inside-it only strangles me-making it harder to breathe making it harder to reign into my sanity. I realize i am not the only sufferer out there but by refusing to allow forgiveness its like picking a scab, bruised and bleeding-the wound will not heal. I know I will not heal either. By the way, I highly reccommend her book-so far its very good.

Not feeling well…”In a world of Pain.” by Emily Sturgill (2/4/2014)

Camera    “Women according to the three phases of the Moon.”Oil on Canvas board, 1992, E.H. Cato

In a world of Pain: My Body carries Sadness

My body carries Sadness

just inside

the blink of an eye.

I am weighed down,

too much mud and sand

as Time stands still.

And the ugliness from within

Pain-it takes over-my lights grow dim.

A secret kept,

like an unmade bed

messy, loud, yet silent too-

impossible to ignore

this fit

this pressure

this utter exhaustion

I discover myself

unraveling time and time again and

again.

This pain does not mesh

with the rose colored glasses

I’d like to fit in.

To bleed

is to be silent

to hurt

is the only way

to find your voice

among a sea of screams

but you lie and tell

yourself:

I will be ok.

I will be ok.

No matter what life throws my way;

I just know I will handle it

I will be ok.