a sinking feeling

a sinking feeling by Emily Sturgill 6/24/14

a sinking feeling
as the ship goes down,
and your leaving for work
as you kiss me goodbye

all I see on your face
is anger and hurt.

a sinking feeling
as the ship goes down,
your disappointed in me
once more again

somehow, some way I
have let you down again.
and there is no time
for words or apologies.

a sinking feeling,
as the ship goes down,
I can see with one look
your angry with me

a sinking feeling
as the ship goes down,
I do not even have or own
the magical words

of saying I’m sorry,
because you do not share
whatever wrong I’ve done.
this day is off to a rocky start.

a sinking feeling
as the ship goes down,
with one angry look
you cracked my heart.

split it halfways
like two sides
of a cracked raw
egg yolk.

a sinking feeling,
as the ship goes down,
as I sit here in a precursor to all my tears,
I know you’d throw me overboard in a second

hoping that this time
I would splash, sink, sputter
and finally
drown.

as the ship goes down.

Advertisements

Love Letter

Dreams are made of paper.

They are Clandestine butterflies-flickering-

stolen words,

among stolen kisses.

 

Love lingers on

in a display-

of clenching fingers-

lightly coating,

a lover’s body,

in invisible fingerprints.

 

Creating a map

as two bodies

blend into one-

if only for a moment-

 

love lingers on.

Being bipolar can really suck sometimes…U

The nature of the “crazy-beast” is that when you are crazy, or going crazy then you do not believe you are crazy.

I know that there is a cliche about that, but unlike most cliches, this one is definitely true.

I know first-hand, because I am “bipolar 1-with psychotic features” -although current groovy dr. just shortens it to being bipolar or having manic-depression. It is more than a label. It is an illness. But it is a treatable one.Not easy to have nor to treat, but it is possible, to live a semi-normal life while being bipolar.

I think i am one of the lucky ones. I was diagnosed roughly 21 years ago-in 1992. Since then, I have amassed a huge group of friends, family, and trusted allies. It is vital to staying well to have some sort of support-network, whether its friends, family, church, priest, rabbi, minister,siblings,spouses,employers ect. You need objective persons in your life who can look out for you when you are not objective. If your really bipolar-you will not always be 100% objective. It is the nature of the “crazy-beast.”

I just had a major break-through last night. I realized I have been having some sort of episode-hypomania or mixed-mania, with paranoia, for at least the last two weeks. I called my Dr this morning to confirm this-(my husband already did confirm though) and to just let her know- i was on the same page now. I knew I had been sick. I complimented her method of handling it. Unlike past doctors I had had at Community Mental health-she did not directly address this issue that i was “sick”. She is an excellent doctor, by the way. I first saw her back in 1998-2000. i stopped seeing her because i took advantage of her, during an episode to get her to prescribe me medications i had no attention of correctly taking. It was long ago i was only 26.

I decided to swallow 30 depakote and kill myself. It was dramatic and extreme.I really violated her trust in our relationship.But soon after i did that stupid stupid thing i began to change my mind…when my boyfriend-(now hubby)-got home from a midnights job i confessed everything and he rushed me to the nearest hospital, most likely saving my life. I was given charcoal and was in the ICU for four days straight. That was my first and last ever serious suicide attempt.

After that my doctor broke up with me- i don’t blame her at all for this. So i started going to Community Mental Health. I went on and off for years-the off parts were during episodes….

2 years ago, yesterday, i married my boyfriend of 11 years. My health insurance changed slightly. We had wrongly deduced if we were to get married i would lose my Medicare and Medicaid-so he put me on his Blue Cross Employee insurance. Now CMH refused to treat me saying they did not accept blue cross.

I called my old doctor. I was very persistent, and convincing. I explained I had grown up a lot since she last treated me. I ask if i could please be her patient again? She was hesitant, but willing to give me a second shot.That was almost 2 years ago. I am so thankful she said yes to being my doctor again. She is the best and my most favorite doctor I have ever had in the over two decades of this madness.

Fast forward to the past two weeks….I became very irritated, the day after ,the day after, my 39th birthday. So like 2 days after my birthday-may 21-i lost my shit. May 23rd was terrible, but May 24th and 25th were much worse.

I guess it was a hypo-mania-(mild mania) or a mixed state-(both depressed and manic mixed together.)

If my doctor confronted me about being paranoid or manic, I would have stopped speaking with her-probably even fired her as my doctor.

instead, she choose to just listen-after i found myself in a safe shelter house for women with domestic violence she started increasing my meds.

we did have a small mishap with that-she raised my lithium too high-while i did not go toxic-i had dangerous symptoms and had to be briefly hospital2ized over night. My lithium levels never been that high before-it was 1.25.So she lowered it back down to its normal dose. And just raised other meds.

Eventually, i decided to forgive my hubby and came home two nights ago. At first, i still thought i was in my right mind-but then my doctor wanted to raise my sereoquel XR some more. A couple hours later, i realized with her frequently raising my meds, i must be having another episode. I cried hysterically for over  2 hours while mu husband just held me and told me that he still loves me. i was devastated.I was confused but coming to my senses.

And i was safe, he was safe, we were still married-it was going to be ok. To be honest, i am even crying as i am writing this-I feel cheated somehow, but by my own mind…i do not understand how i could so quickly get sick again-without typical warning signs? It is a very scary feeling to be paranoid. Especially terrified of friends and family who love you. I thought it was all hubby’s fault. What i mistook as physical abuse was him trying to restrain me and keep me from running away-i always run away….usually nowhere safe or good. This time was a bit better- i wound up in a safe place.

All i can say is bipolar disorder is a serious illness and “crazyness is a beast.” which is difficult to contain.

Love: you are always there for me.

Love like this-

has always been strange,

I am so fortunate, that I found you-

so many years ago.

Love like this-

expects nothing in return yet

gives me everything,

I’ve ever wanted or needed.

You are the one, who picks me up when i fall.

You are my everything, the one I can count on.

You make me laugh, even when I am sad.

You make me feel good when before I felt bad.

You tolerate my roller-coasters of emotions,

and try your best to encourage me, to support me,

despite all the times I become crazy.

You are always there for me.

I know, sometimes, I don’t make it easy-

but with you, there is a calming effect.

You are the wind that calms the waves of my troubled sea.

You are the Sun that warms me.

You are the ground that steadies  me.

Among all else,

you are my best friend too.

You are the man I love most

with eyes of blue,

many illustrated tattoos,

a hairy Buddha belly,

you are wonderful and ALL mine.

Even after all these years, I know, I am the lucky one.

It’s funny to me, that you feel lucky to be with me.

I’m a  trouble-maker.

But I love you the best way I know how.

I try to make you happy.

I am glad you finally married me.

I think I am the lucky one,

lucky indeed.

 

this heart is for the taking

When I look at you,
I am filled with vast
over-whelming emotions-
you are the man I love.

Time and time again,
you’ve proven your
my best friend
this love do not doubt it-
this love will never end.

To you and only you,
i said so long ago,
but not in words
in deeds instead,

it was my heart which
spoke first as I
looked into and got lost
into your bluest eyes

and this is what my heart
said to yours alone:
this heart is for the taking.
So you did and it became

enter-twined with your own,
this mess we are in-
this funny, wonderful, and happy
life we share

it all started so long ago,
with a single velvet
kiss that shattered my soul:
it replaced it with
bliss.

It was then, that I
think my heart must
have simply awoke,
and it said,
this heart is for the taking.

so you did.
and for that, i will forever
be glad, because I know my heart
is always safe when it
is with yours.

i love you
so much, it hurts sometimes,
but mostly,
so much that it makes
me very happy.