Some scary place

Acrylic mixed media pumice gel painting 1996 canvasboardSome scary place by Emily Sturgill, June 8, 2013

Saturday noon-ish

Some Scary Place-

Some scary place, inside deep beneath,

the outskirts of the insanity of my mind.

So scary– to have another episode, yet one, without

the magic bells and whistles warning us-

of the turbulence of the unsettled waves

of my un-hinged mind…a wild ride..onto hypomania and beyond.

  • A scary place, deep beneath, my sane sweet spot,
  • lurking lost in the corners
  • of a rambling, crumbling brain.
  • i cannot believe it happened again
  • i cannot believe we did not catch it-before i ran away again.
  • i am always running away from home, this is a safe place, yet i continue to flee-
  • time and time again it happens to me-but not just me-to my husband too…i leave him behind and run swiftly away, trying to catch up an runaway mind blazing through paranoid thoughts, anger, depression, mania, madness, delight and terrifying fright.

the hidden truth

the hidden truth,

is that which haunts me…

everybody thought we were the perfect happy couple…

and I? how could I explain to our friends-our loved ones-

about The Dark Times….

about the hidden Truth?

That i married a classic-type of abuser.

That my beloved husband,

who i “loved” dearly was not only less than ideal,

but i was paranoid fearful of his anger. Of his angry outbursts.

That frequently, i felt unsafe, even during lovemaking.

I was scared he may attempt to kill me.

And i do not know why.

the fear seemed irrational, like another delusion of my bipolar mind.

Until a day two weeks ago where he admitted to “fantasies”?? I’m not sure what you would call then,”ideas” or “plans”?

That if his life ever got bad enough, he would fall back on the notion

of a murder-suicide.

by the way by murder-he meant me specifically and suicide

i guess was for him-not only was this a horrifying thing to say to the one woman who loves you-

it also helped me reach the realization, i was in constant danger.

 

I’ve been hiding out at a battered woman’s shelter.

i finally feel safe again.

it took some skill even in getting here because i had no money and no car.

but i finally made it Saturday afternoon.

 

I blame myself for not leaving sooner.

but in oh-too-many ways it was easier to stay.

 

i am grateful now, for my infertility issues.

that saves me from a lifetime of interaction

with a husband who is crazy.

 

I am so very devastated-that it had to-end this way,

but it was only getting worse.  Now i am facing loved ones with the Hidden Truth.

they do not understand how hard it is to admit….you are a victim.

that somebody scares you half to death.

that this man you “loved” is merely a shadow of his true self,

the side made up of complete anger and irrational darkness.

 

 

falling off the edge of the world

im going under the radar, again. In fact ive fallen through the ice and off the edge of the world. A close friend of mine tried to warn me, to tell me that my marriage was doomed from the start. Instead of liistening to my friend who has neverdecieved me or lied about anything ever to me at all….i laughed off his commonsense as bitterness at being alone….because i had true love? What did my friend know? Turns out a great deal so ty ken. I wish i was not soo busy being a dumb idiotic naive bitch, to notice, when you said it sounded like i was having a bad marriage. And married some type of jerk….which indeed i did, and had.

Such a jerk in fact that he threatened me with, if his life sucked bad enough he would consider murder-suicide as a logical option. By murder he meant ME-as I get no say or vote…that made me go hmmm….for at least 2 weeks. Before something popped into my head, roughly 3 or 4 mornings ago-that he was desperately serious and really that effed up that if he’s ending his sorry life-his taking me along too….um, thanks but no thanks. Don’t me mind, at all, i am just gonna do a little magic trick….fairy dust, + vanish poof= divorce….wife bye bye.

I did attempt leaving on Thursday, but unfortunately, i listened to some folks not aware of her serious the abuse has been….so i called and listened. All the beautiful, magic, b.s. lies he said, all the right things, all the stuff he knew i wanted to hear. Like a fool with a death-wish, i went back home with him.

What i did not know, was every promise he tried to make was pure 100% bullshit and he meant none of it at all and nothing would change. When i discovered that i began suspecting i made a serious error in trusting him.

But since im hopeless romantic-(replace romance with stupid here) i still did not get the clue until he had me pinned against my bed one hand smashing my face into our mattress, and the other grabbing my left should hard digging his nails into me. All the while well screaming” Are you gonna call the cops?” “Are ya gonna call the cops?” i had no idea what the hell he was talking about-at the moment i was hysterically crying and just hoping and praying: that A. he did not beat the shit out of me and B. he did not try to kill me, because for a few minutes, he did have paranoid evil eyes-that looked very much-like the eyes of someone insane enough to try to kill you.

Luckily, i was able to talk him down and also i was able to pretend very hard the next day that everything was fine, in fact our marriage is perfect!!! Which i keep the charade, going until both he and his crazy-ass bitch mom left the house.

Then as calmly as possible i packed my shit and left. i knew who to call and where to go. Stupid soon to be ex-husband ain’t the first man who has raised a hand to me. But, tell you what, i bet he is going to be the last.

Anyone have good info on how to properly pawn/sell a wedding ring and get the biggest amount of usa dollars for it?? please comment below-thanks, emily

 

 

Tired and Wore down

Tired and wore out, wore down,

exhausted both mentally and physically-

ill both mentally and physically.

 

Somethings just not right

i had another panic attack

last night.

 

the ones where i forget

the simplistic natural art

of breathing in and out.

 

gasping, groaning, doing

a freak out.

I’m not sure what triggered it??/

a little bit of nothingness-

a whole lot of everything.

 

Just really starting to feel,

the flip side of the coin

less than ideal.

 

the side with the sad face,

instead of a smiley happy face.

the sorrow i keep gathered

under my bed of feathers

 

sorrow breeds depression

while depression breeds discontent,

resulting into an

overabundance of frustrated tears.

 

I am just hoping,

and praying that /

this time will be different/

please do not let things

remain unhinged.

 

if they do,

i will surely break again,

right down the middle,

split in half…..

 

my bipolar skin-case

for all the world to see

to create a mockery

of me and my crazy-train

 

i rode in on.

 

but still lingers the sparse flower,

the reddest rose, itself contains

a glimmer of hope

for me to cling onto

 

yet beware the thorns.

yes, beware the thorns,

beware the thorns.

 

they are real,

and they make us bleed.