Trying to locate the bright side with my star trek decoder ring?

I am looking for the light

at the end of the tunnel,

I am trying to locate the bright side-

I am trying to find and then analyze,

the silver lining in the gray storm clouds which

to my everlasting annoyance hang out

beside my brow under my head…

I am trying to find the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow,

the butterfly breaking loose out of her cocoon.

I am trying to not worry so ever much

that I hold onto this mantle

of doom and gloom.

 

For everything there is a price you pay,

For every stray thought or feeling or word,

you might say, there is a consequence.

 

There is always an end result to any hypothetical

hypothesis, to any purely scientific, mathematical, theoretical

equation. There is always an answer.

So when in doubt,

go bravely out into the big

crazy world, gather facts, data and then find out-

your very own answer.

 

Because in our ever-expanding, mind-blowing

universe there are several.

Answers I mean. To any one questions, at any one time,

it will blow your mind.

 

Reach as far as your fat fist will travel,

grasp every bit of pure white light imaginable,

and cling fast and hard

to both Hope and Faith.

 

Never assume you know the truth,

go out and discover the bits and pieces

of your hungry self.

 

But beyond all this;

try to locate the bright side beneath all the darkness.

Look for the light which dances among shadows,

it is a choice to pick one or the other-

which one to pay attention to-the shadows or the

pretty white gleam of happiness, pleasure, and pure joy.

 

 

Nervous kinetic Energy

Nervous Kinetic Enegry,

spirals out of the life of me.

Once had nerves of steel,

but now long gone-

so damn nervous, tell me this time-

what did I do or say wrong?

 

A Lady called me today.

Straight out of the big blue.

A person-a somebody-I didn’t knew.

She was asking about a job application I made-

nearly seven weeks ago…

 

She was pop-quizzing me,

as if I would recall the exact details

of the job or company.

 

I have been applying to so many…

its easy to lose track

its easy to lose track fast.

 

She almost scheduled the interview with me,

but something made her pause to say,

can i give you a call back???

 

I am left holding the bag,

wondering if I blew the whole thing already,

or if she will in fact call back,

 

Gosh, I hope so…I am sitting on pins and needles.

Way too much kinetic energy-

with no-place, to go.

 

I just know, that by now,

its high time, that I finally get a job.

I really need a job Now, not yesterday

nor tomorrow, but right away

in the present moment,

in the blink of an eye

and the wink of my tongue.

 

I need me some gluing

so I do not become

completely unraveled-

completely undone.

 

Excitement drips through the air:

Excitement drips through the air;

like liquid curiosity.

Excitement lingers sweetly,

like a musky perfume I cannot get rid of.

The waiting is like walking on eggshells.

The cliches are rampant,

filling my head with half-truths,

and half-forgotten phrases.

 

Waiting for my phone to ring (again)…

Hopeful that maybe, just maybe,

it could be good-no wait-great news!!!

 

The excitement comes in waves-

tension, built of nervous energy, and anticipation,

for the unexpected….

 

They called me once, and I missed their call.

I gave a call back and left a message.

Will i hear back before 5 pm?

I really do not know, slipping and sliding,

onto the edge of anticipation.

 

The question remains, will i finally get

a job or not???

Earth Day Kick off event-

Today I attended a Earth day kick-off event at an Open Art Therapy Studio about a 30 min drive away.

We painted with Moss. It was definitely something I never tried before. I got to see some of my old art therapy friends from school. One, of them asked about my books I’ve been selling. (just in case something like that happened, I had a copy of ALL my books except the one published two days ago.) I showed my friend. And we were talking about my bipolar disorder. A great deal of her younger clients have been diagnosed with bipolar. She had read a good book I had mentioned to her called “Half-way House.” I shyly mentioned that I too, had just written a memoir -personal account of living with bipolar-I had a copy with me, and she was totally digging it, so I offered to sell it to her right on the spot. That worked out awesome for us both-she did not have to wait until it arrived in the mail- and I got a bigger amount as an author.

I don’t know, it was a pretty good day I guess. I have been trying to get this art studio to offer me a job, for several months now. Since, they were in the middle of a workshop they really did not want to talk about that today. That sorta bummed me out. But as my one friend talked to me about my illness, my other friend who already works at the studio, asked if i would mind talking about it to their clients? I was actually initially attempting to “downplay” that issue. (which is hard because it is a huge part of what makes me, ME.)

By the end, I was feeling hungry, frustrated and a bit depressed. When I was saying goodbye to the owner, I casually mentioned my “disability”-she asked about it-so what the hell? I just told her.This seemed a smart move, because she expressed more interest in me after that, she said she knew a lot of people in recovery as adults were SMI-(seriously mentally ill)

but not too many who were Art Therapists too! So maybe, things will turn around. I am ever so hopeful. Because, in the end that is all we have to hang onto-our hopes and our dreams-without those? You are so lost….they are like a magical compass-your hopes and dreams tell you which direction to go.Earth day drawing1earth day drawing 1

it’s hard for a girl in this town to make some $$$

I have been searching for work now for almost a year, with no success.
Today, was a great day, the sort of day that started out slowly with no surprises, an ordinary day. Then I fell back asleep and when i awoke i had the most beautiful voicemail on my cellphone about a possible job offer. (I always turn it off when i sleep or nap, because when i first wake up i do not know my left from my right, am very groggy, and incapable of showing much interest.caffiene is thus required and freshly applied like a bandage.)

The voicemail was about possible adjunt work in an Open Art Therapy Studio-literally my dream job. Then about 3 hours later, i recieved a second phone call about my second dream job-becoming a peer support person.

Both are very tenative offers. One is for a non-profit, so it depends on funding. The other is organized through the county community mental health department. Peer support speacilists is a growing industry, as more health insurance companies are requesting it as a part of the treatment process. To qualify you must have a mental illness or disorder or a drug or alcohol addiction and be in recovery. Also you must be willing to share your personal story to folks newly diagnosed and likely very overwhelmed or scared. Strangely enough, this positions pay very high, above min wage, in my state some start at around 15-18$ per hour but it is only part time. And i am in the usa. So if you are overseasi do not know if this type of job exsist.

If you are qualified, and in one o the 50 states, i urge you to apply. Too few people know that these jobs are out there. And, it seems pretty easy too, you just help others go through what your own story has taught you.

Revised here is the poll:

Sorry it did not post the first time.

I have this short poll i tried to create. I’m looking for feedback because I am currently on SSDI but I am looking for a job. I just graduated with a Masters of Ed: Art Education degree with a concentration in Art Therapy this past may. I have been job hunting roughly a year now. Is it more professional to keep my blog hush-hush due to my openness of bipolar disorder-and also keep my books & e-books hush-hush because i mention the bipolar diagnosis?

Is my writing impressive enough to even include on a resume or would that signal red flags? Comment on the poll, or leave comments on this blog-just looking for feedback. So many are ignorant about mental illness so i am unsure if being open is possible….would this be a deal-breaker for you if you were my employer? And also what about the opinions of my fellow art therapists? I was open with both my teachers and classmates in the Masters program. They were very cool about it, however i did not have an episode during any of my semesters except once in the fall i fell into a deep depression. (my manias seem to frighten people the most-nobody saw one of those at least.)

the job interviews

frantic fingers falling through my hair,

as i politely stare, into the abyss of nothingness.

am i dressed alright? Is this skirt too tight? Am I here too early?

Am I late?

The smiles which devour me whole, as i of course, as i

shake your hand-(always shake their hand-good grip nice and tight but solid)

frantic fingers falling through my hair.

(do i have lip-stick on my teeth-ugh-too late)

They fire their questions, uzi-style, rapid-fire and

often they ask me questions i totally do not know,

like how much i would like to make an hour-that one i fall down often enough,

because then they give the real answer of how much they will pay.

Questions too, like do i mind if a client becomes violent?

Gee-whiz no-who would mind that?

there often seems to be a hidden cheat sheet-multiple choice=always choose C.

If i sound bitter, i am not, i am just a bit broken and wore out.

Nobody seems excited to meet me, instead they are looking

for a sense of urgent perfection, i cannot measure up to.

So yes, frantic, fingers falling through my hair,

as i try to not fuss, fidget or wiggle,

Knowing I probably won’t make the cut,

my dial is always stuck on

self-destruct.

the wait

Waiting for,

the phone to ring, with a voice

on the opposite end saying, “Congratulations, you’ve got the job!”

Waiting for,

the magical job interview, with strings attached,

to happily ever after.

Waiting for,

the chance to show ’em what I got.

Waiting for,

the bright lights, the big tent, the tight-rope.

the Secret, which means that the show must go on.

Waiting for,

a job which can transform into;

a career, if given light, water, good soil,

and positive expectations.

Waiting for,

the experiment to go just right, as planned,

Waiting to become

Someone a little different;

Somebody employed!

Waiting for,

an opportunity to,

sparkle and shine,

a place where my heart can grow.

I’m still waiting…

for that phone to ring.