the Monster of me

the Monster of me-

12/27/14

by Emily Sturgill

the Monster of me-

you cannot see

from the outside, but,

on the inside

there is a Monster of me.

deep inside a divided mind-

there is a Monster of me

It’s ugly, and messy,

It’s broken, jagged, sharpen edges

with rotted teeth

with the violet violence of despair.

Deep down inside me,

lies horrible truths, like Anger, Depression, Sadness and Fear.

it eats away at me from the inside out.

leaving nothing but

this empty shell

of a young looking pretty

40 something, crazy cat-lady,

bag lady, bag lady, i’ve been there before.

the Monster of me

is what you cannot see.

I appear normal enough

but i am raw to the touch.

and the tears just flow

like a faucet with way too much

draino.

I can appear to be

almost anything. Confident, witty or artsy-

or quiet and shy,

but deep down inside

an unraveling mind,

lies the Truth

I am mentally ill.

I am dangerous

I am to be feared

and never understood.

I am just another anonymous Statistic

I am just another runaway lunatic

I am just another victim

of my own unhinged mind.

I live with bipolar disorder

and that feels like a Crime.

the Monster of me

i keep her chained to the bed

on a dirty mattress

She’s the darkest deepest secret

the Horror in my head.

disappointment

troubled by crushing blows,
of disbelief and utter disapointment;
literally i am quite the sight.
this mess of me,
broken-ego, wounded heart,unforseen
occurances…

disappointment is the color of coffee-stained,broken edged
teeth, shadowed by chipping lipstick,
the color of imperfection but
i never claimedto be anything other…

than what i am/what i am not.
i just don’t get why people,
“follow” my blog or “like” it-
but when i just ask for one or two-
small comments…
pieces of feedback?

nobody ever answers.
i feel like i am shouting into the vast ;
blacken pit of the internet,
and there are no real people there,
just emptiness….

real folks talk the talk,
real folks walk the walk,
real folks do not “pretend to be nice”
just because it’s much too embrassing,
to have a God-honest-opinion,
about something.

I wrote yesterday, about asking for a
small favor-just a wee response on
how a website looked, 6 people clicked “like”
but nobody answered me at all….

no feedback-what so ever…

i want so much for this blog to be much more interactive,
where people may be brave enough,
not only to “like” something, just a click away-

but instead leave me a real folk comment,
a sentence on why or what made you like it?
Or if you think i suck, that’s ok too-please tell me,
so I know….

i’m graping at straws,
quite literally here.
Whats good about having a blog,
if no-one ever gives an feedback of
any shape or kind?

Did i ask too much?
I’m sorry, if i did.
I never thought we were friends ,
but, perhaps my mistake was thinking,
you were a friend to the written words,

these blood,sweat and tears,
i post pieces and fragments of my soul,
here all the time.

is anybody out there?
is anyone listening?
does anyone even read this stuff?
or do i just buzz by,
like another annoying blogger fly?