new birthday

i feel like i really need

I feel like what I really really want

is a new birthday.

A redo-a do-over

A piece of imperfection

a new salvation

a new creation

a new birthday-

i think i want this

THE Most of ALL.

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Mother Mayhem

Mother Mayhem

Mother madness

Mother mischief

Mother Moon

Mother morning

drawing me in,

into pastel shades

of pink and blue…

Nobody knows the future.

Nobody has perfected

the antique crystal ball

that orb of old.

What does Motherhood mean,

if you are one of the many

childless souls?

What does Motherhood mean,

when you are a middle-aged

woman, who has long ago lost your own

Mother to passing and grief?

The only Mother I still

know and long for,

is the Mother of the Earth

and Sky.

The Mother who makes

the whole wide world

grow, bloom, before,

it withers and dies.

Pondering on the

Sky Mother

Earth Mother

Tree Mother

The Mother with

Stars in her hair

and tears of Rain in her eyes.

The Crone figure.

Mother Mayhem

Mother madness

Mother mischief

Mother Moon

Mother morning

drawing me in,

into pastel shades

of pink and blue…

Mother Sky.

It’s like a riddle.

It’s like a mystery.

It’s like a secret society of

women, mothers…

and I wonder, why can’t I?

Nobody knows the future.

Nobody has perfected

the antique crystal ball

that orb of old.

Mother Mayhem

Mother Madness

Mother Sky.

Failure feels like this:

Failure feels like this,

where you want something so very badly,

and nothing you can ever do,

will reach the high bar.

Others do all the jumping,

from one goal to the next like a gymnast

on the high bars flipping back and forth

jumping this way and the next with

such divine grace.

If I tried to do all that fancy stuff,

I would simply fall down,

right onto my face.

failure feels like this.

Failure feels like you are trying so hard, its too hard,

and you are over-shooting the mark.

For some it is so easy, to start a family,

for others there are far too many obstacles.

No matter how hard I try,

to cope, to accept, to understand

I will never be someone’s mother…

deep down inside there is a small voice,

which whispers, what if?

And I squash that voice down, becomes,

it longs for the impossible.

A barren wasteland bears no fruit-

nor do i, nor do i, nor do i…

failure feels like this.

Something broken

She cannot put a finger

on why, but there is something there

deep inside

broken and rusted

despite being encased in honey

and a touch of lovely

love.

She knows that the two parts must connect

come together and securely fit

in a mechanical motion

to produce an organic product

1/2 of her and 1/2 of him

that’s all the recipe calls for

and yet she cannot put her finger on it.

The two come as one well-maintained machine,

but nothing is ever produced or created.

She does not know why,

simply feels the bareness

on the inside

longing to know why she cannot fix

the broken pieces deep inside

and she just feels

a touch of something kinda, something that is, something where the;

sadness grows.

 

At the edge

I sit here

at the edge.

Realizing that my life

is nearly half-over.

I just turned 39 roughly 8 weeks ago.

My concerns are much different

than the average Gal.

I’m blessed that genetically- i still get carded for things

I could easily pass for 20 something,

yet here i sit on the edge of 40.

Not many wrinkles, or even gray hairs-

none of that concerns me anyways.

My concern, is much more personal.

I feel like I have barely begun.

That I have not done much so far-in my life.

that I have so many dreams still to accomplish,

that I have yet to leave my mark or stamp on things.

that no one will remember me years hence

when I am gone.

It saddens me greatly-to have never had children.

I feel I have no legacy,

besides poetry and artwork,

and in times of twilight

those too will surely fade away.

I will be like the sand at the shore then.

The sand that goes in and out with the tide

disappearing at your feet

like it never was there really at all.

Tired and Wore down

Tired and wore out, wore down,

exhausted both mentally and physically-

ill both mentally and physically.

 

Somethings just not right

i had another panic attack

last night.

 

the ones where i forget

the simplistic natural art

of breathing in and out.

 

gasping, groaning, doing

a freak out.

I’m not sure what triggered it??/

a little bit of nothingness-

a whole lot of everything.

 

Just really starting to feel,

the flip side of the coin

less than ideal.

 

the side with the sad face,

instead of a smiley happy face.

the sorrow i keep gathered

under my bed of feathers

 

sorrow breeds depression

while depression breeds discontent,

resulting into an

overabundance of frustrated tears.

 

I am just hoping,

and praying that /

this time will be different/

please do not let things

remain unhinged.

 

if they do,

i will surely break again,

right down the middle,

split in half…..

 

my bipolar skin-case

for all the world to see

to create a mockery

of me and my crazy-train

 

i rode in on.

 

but still lingers the sparse flower,

the reddest rose, itself contains

a glimmer of hope

for me to cling onto

 

yet beware the thorns.

yes, beware the thorns,

beware the thorns.

 

they are real,

and they make us bleed.

Off-center

feeling a bit,

off-center, a bit out-of-whack,

feeling on the verge

of another;

Panic Attack.

Feeling off-center,

dealing with issues of infertility,

feeling hopeless-like a sailsboat-without sails-

so instead of sailing-

i simply float-there-off-center.

Many other Women,

do this dance of infertility & madness,

it seems to always feel like its the woman’s fault.

although it may even be the mans…

that concept seems far-fetched and hard to grasp.

Each month,

I hope, although I never bother to pray,

but i hope things will be different,

that somehow our childless lives will change.

Some women, chart their cycles religiously, take their basal temps each and every-day, using ovulation predictor kits, or invest in high cost treatments like IVF. I cannot afford things like ovulation kits or IVF treatments, or alternative therapies.

I can barely afford the one thing I’ve got:

a thing called Hope.

That’s all i got, and sometimes it does not feel enough,

as if, i am just mere inches away, from touching the sky.

Last month, pain was horrible. I wound up in the ER and diagnosed with 2 cm Ovarian cyst.

This month not only my mind, but my body has been playing tricks on me.

I swear, I’m having pregnancy symptoms despite my monthly bleed.

My period just was not heavy enough to be normal-even for me-and the PMS still has not gone away,

yet the bleeding did. It came 2 days early, I usually count day 1 as any spotting-but technically they say to start count from the first day of true blood. Which would mean i really only had a sort of period bleeding for only 2 days the other 3 were brown spots and inconsistent. I’m still having bad cramps, and i keep getting sick to my stomach, and my boobs hurt so badly when my hubby bite my nipple 2 days ago it still hurt 3 hours later. Food bores me-i have loss all interest. Even stuff i like fails to excite. Hate to say it-been pregnant before-feel that way again.

I’m sure tomorrow they will give me a hpt urine test before my MRI-

just off-center, feeling confused on what they will find.

feeling awful

feeling awful

dreading tomorrow…

have another MRI;

scheduled for renal masses,

bilateral poly-cystic renal masses

PKD, various word-soup

that says all sorts of

invisible maladies

are fighting inside me.

And, later on in May-

I’m off to the Nephrologist’s office.

a 25 cent word meaning-

kidney specialist or kidney doctor…

This month,

my Endometriosis has also been killing me.

The pain is way too intense-

and my periods been,

so entirely,

fucked up; i am starting to wonder,

if the miracle happened,

and i got pregnant again?

So extremely, terrified of just

about everything at this point.

pregnancy or kidney disease or kidney cancer,

a roll of the dice,

my Fate will tell me

what is wrong.

My MRI is scheduled for tomorrow

night at 7:50 pm EST.

I’m feeling awful

about everything…as much as we want children,

I already have 2 miscarriages,

under my belt,

only been pregnant by the same man,

He’s my husband now,

but i do worry,

we have different RH factors.

people say its no big deal-yet it sounds

like one. Basically he has positive blood type,

mine is negative. 85% of the population does

have positive blood types. My concern

is if we do get pregnant again and our

baby has positive blood which is more common,

my body would attack the baby

and abort it.

They do have shots they can give the mother to prevent

that from happening.

Our different RH factors,

may have nothing to do with;

my previous miscarriages.

I’m just scared. I’m getting too old-almost 39-

really would not want to lose

another baby, not this time.