Nervous kinetic Energy

Nervous Kinetic Enegry,

spirals out of the life of me.

Once had nerves of steel,

but now long gone-

so damn nervous, tell me this time-

what did I do or say wrong?

 

A Lady called me today.

Straight out of the big blue.

A person-a somebody-I didn’t knew.

She was asking about a job application I made-

nearly seven weeks ago…

 

She was pop-quizzing me,

as if I would recall the exact details

of the job or company.

 

I have been applying to so many…

its easy to lose track

its easy to lose track fast.

 

She almost scheduled the interview with me,

but something made her pause to say,

can i give you a call back???

 

I am left holding the bag,

wondering if I blew the whole thing already,

or if she will in fact call back,

 

Gosh, I hope so…I am sitting on pins and needles.

Way too much kinetic energy-

with no-place, to go.

 

I just know, that by now,

its high time, that I finally get a job.

I really need a job Now, not yesterday

nor tomorrow, but right away

in the present moment,

in the blink of an eye

and the wink of my tongue.

 

I need me some gluing

so I do not become

completely unraveled-

completely undone.

 

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Excitement drips through the air:

Excitement drips through the air;

like liquid curiosity.

Excitement lingers sweetly,

like a musky perfume I cannot get rid of.

The waiting is like walking on eggshells.

The cliches are rampant,

filling my head with half-truths,

and half-forgotten phrases.

 

Waiting for my phone to ring (again)…

Hopeful that maybe, just maybe,

it could be good-no wait-great news!!!

 

The excitement comes in waves-

tension, built of nervous energy, and anticipation,

for the unexpected….

 

They called me once, and I missed their call.

I gave a call back and left a message.

Will i hear back before 5 pm?

I really do not know, slipping and sliding,

onto the edge of anticipation.

 

The question remains, will i finally get

a job or not???

Sleeping slowly improving…

Since I’ve been back home-

I guess since Tuesday, or Weds or Thursday,

of last week- my sleep has been slowly improving.

 

This makes my husband very happy.

Although, I have been smoking

cigarettes, much worse than ever.

That is highly upsetting to him.

 

I try to explain that, no its not forever,

that i am trying to readjust to

the beauty which is

us.

 

That I am trying to cope,

with a hypo-manic stroke of luck-

a mild mania or mixed state,

It was not great, to have yet

another episode,

even if it was a smaller one.

 

My doctor says even though I have

been having more episodes than usual the past

2 years- that they all have been mild,

She sees that as a vast improvement.

 

It’s funny-in the strangest sense-

how many new people I met,

and how many did not really realize,

that something was a bit off with me.

 

The only ones who knew for sure,

were my husband-who i became paranoid of-

and my doctor-because she’s good

at her job and some sort of pro

at deciphering the Madness.

 

My sleep is getting better.

I am feeling much more relaxed.

All of which is good.

 

I’ve been in plans for leading

an Artist Talk-Art therapy workshop,

later this month,

We have been planning it at least 3 or 4 months.

 

The open art therapy studio and I.

I was kind of frightened I may,

have some sort of episode

and make an ass, of myself.

 

Now that I have had a shorter and milder

episode, all my meds were basically increased

so that means, I do not have to fear,

another episode for a while.