a sinking feeling

a sinking feeling by Emily Sturgill 6/24/14

a sinking feeling
as the ship goes down,
and your leaving for work
as you kiss me goodbye

all I see on your face
is anger and hurt.

a sinking feeling
as the ship goes down,
your disappointed in me
once more again

somehow, some way I
have let you down again.
and there is no time
for words or apologies.

a sinking feeling,
as the ship goes down,
I can see with one look
your angry with me

a sinking feeling
as the ship goes down,
I do not even have or own
the magical words

of saying I’m sorry,
because you do not share
whatever wrong I’ve done.
this day is off to a rocky start.

a sinking feeling
as the ship goes down,
with one angry look
you cracked my heart.

split it halfways
like two sides
of a cracked raw
egg yolk.

a sinking feeling,
as the ship goes down,
as I sit here in a precursor to all my tears,
I know you’d throw me overboard in a second

hoping that this time
I would splash, sink, sputter
and finally
drown.

as the ship goes down.

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It’s offical: Today really sucked….:(

I spent at least 2 hrs today bickring and fighting with my husband. We very rarely argue, perhaps not the best thing to rarely argue-hostilities do seem to build up-then boom!!!

He accused me of being bitchy today-no argument there-i knew i had been and was-still kind of am-in a wicked evil mood. I’m not sure if its pms or something else…i took all my meds as prescribed. I was just really angry today. That is very rare.

After we made up- he asked if we could pretend today never happened? it was a sweet thought but i had to say no. I tried to explain that there are real issues despite if we discuss or fight about them or not.

even unspoken, the issues are still there….a lot of family drama issues.

I wish that we lived on our own and did not have to take care of his mom. She is not always that pleasant to live with-yet i have been living here wit her for 13 years. I knew 2 years ago when we tied the knot, i knew what i was in for. I did not expect it to change really, but i wish it would…

Sometimes, i resent it. I am the one home alone with her most of the days.
I’m the one to deal with all her dramas and ailments and stressors…

I’m a mentally ill person my own self, sometimes it is really tough helping somebody else-who does not even want help much of the time.

I’m not sure hubby realizes how stressful this is on my bipolar disorder recovery process. I tried to talk to him….to explain and there it was again-the ever hostile defensive mamas boy additude.

I would never ask him to choose between us. That would be very wrong in my opinion. But sometimes,I wish she lived in her own apartment. Sometimes, i wish it were just me and him. I feel awful but i do not always feel like i can handle all her challenges.