Endometriosis please stop! Your killing me….

Here is a link that describes this invisible, random and rare illness I have. I have stage 4 the most severe.


Words cannot express:

Words cannot express

Words can tear me down


Words can lift me up

but words can never express-all this pain i feel.

this pain is REAL.

this pain is kinda, sorta, A BIG DEAL.

Words cannot express

the intensity

the depths

of my

chronic pain.

and i feel

as though i am losing

my mind.

I found a doctor

who will prescribe

a new pain medication.

but we cannot get it filled

until after May 19th

my next menes is due on May 17th

it’s going to suck

but somehow

i will make do

somehow i

will pull through.

in the meantime-

all i ask,




please stop

this pain





Long lost letter to my wardrobe :

Long lost letter to my wardrobe :


Dear Darling Wardrobe:

For years, I’ve added garments to you. I always give while you simply, TAKE, take, take.

Your extensive piles of vomited old clothing all around my bedroom-they never shrink-as I never lose

my faith in You wardrobe. This unwavering faith, that someday I might become a size L again or fit into a

lovely discarded size 14 prom style dress, that I wore so moon moons ago to my 10th year high school reunion.

Some garments are relics of a past, which I must cling to, such as my wedding gown or my College graduation robe from Grad school that was so damn expensive. Dear wardrobe, many items are too small or ripped or torn.

I swear I will mend those socks with the huge gaping holes at their heels, or the see-through silky overcoat with the many rainbow holes. I swear to fix these things but I am a liar. And you and I both know this.

I tell myself I must keep several things a size too small or a size too large, just in case my weight changes.

But my weight for the most part, stays Stoic, Stable and Steady. I have accepted my body, I tell myself. Gorgeous is not a size,I tell myself it’s an attitude, a way of life.

But if I were honest, we both know what I would do. I would swallow my pride whole, and piece by piece

reduce you. I would rid myself of the too small Mom-jeans, of the socks who have no friends, of the outdated out of style size 14 dresses that I own.I would throw away all the holey things, I do not fix and I do not wear.

The clothes too big or too small I would gather into trash bags and deposit them at Good Will.

Think of the room I would save if I just said goodbye to all the ugly sweaters that look much better folded or fallen on the floor than on my size 2x frame? My dear darling wardrobe, many times,I have cursed you, when I cannot find:

Anything to Wear!!!

My husband he dislikes you, for taking some much space away from Us-as you occupy bins, dressers, closets and laundry baskets stockpiled everywhere. Like nuclear bombs from a desert test site, generations ago. Like a possessed Demon, Devil or unfriendly Spirit you haunt us daily by the mere sight of you.Somehow, I must gain access to the sword I carry in my mind’s eye and chop you down bit by bit, down to size, down to MY SIZE, a plus size 2x.

But these things are never easy. Breaking up is hard to do.

I must do something before your hugeness, like a whale, swallows our bedroom whole. Leaving nothing but piles of colored fabric in its wake, trembling at its seams.Dear Wardrobe, I think it would be best if we both started seeing other people.

Or at least, if you saw other people, and if I saw better fitting clothing and less of a mess, tragedy on my bare floor.

I’m sorry Wardrobe for all the lies I fed you. But you lied to me too. You said I would lose all this weight. You told me I definitely would drop down to my high school frame of a size 9 or 11. You said these horrible half-truths, so what’s a girl to do? I trusted you. I believed in you. Not anymore, because the scale always unwaveringly stays stuck between 200-210.

I can no longer pretend. The game is over. I must try to go through you-and shield my eyes-from your outrageous lies and half baked half truths.

Sincerely yours,

a plus sized woman 

a Gorgeous Woman.

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