Pain of plenty

The pain of plenty-

Awoken at 3:30 Am

pain washes over me

i ride it like waves

as a surfer surfs the shore

i ride it until

it don’t hurt no more.

The pain of plenty-

living with a chronic

pain condition

is frightening.

Until it becomes obvious-

most other persons

remain oblivious….

as i try

to just suck it up

like a little

piece of doom and misery-

drunk up with a straw.

And it’s the last,

straw i mean

the one that broke the camels…NO WAIT-

the straw that broke MY OWN back.

and sometimes i do not

handle it very well.

sometimes i do not

handle it well

at all.

instead I just smile

like a cheshire cat

and smoke my nicotine

in cigarettes, instead of a pipe.

I just smile and picture

the innocent people without

my disease, as if

I could whisper it into their ear

and then they could

twist, convulse contort and cry

for a while.

Just imagine all the haters

and the ones who do not believe-

just imagine them twisting into the wind

like a kite and sailing down

into my bloody landscape

my real estate

that’s constantly

up for sale-

somewhere in Hell.

The Red Line

The Red Line-by Emily H. Sturgill

4/4/15 9:38 AM EST

The Red Line

where does all this blood

and gore come from?

and why do people try

to deny

women who are in intense pain

the truth of their condition

why do they insist these poor

creatures are feeding them

nothing but lies?

Get on The Red Line Baby…

Come along for the ride…

we got plenty of seats

if you’ve got the time.

We will show you a trick or two,

of how we do what we do.

How we manage the pain,

it’s a losing game

with plot twists and curves and angles

galore.

Go ahead we dare you!

Just open the door.

Jump on The Red Line Baby.

Come along for the ride.

We cannot guarantee it-

but we can certainly bleed it.

We cannot guarantee it-

because you’ll never believe it!

We cannot guarantee it-

but the pain will send you reeling

and it’s could possibly make you

feel as though your losing your mind.

Step up here.

Just in time.

For the Red Line.

Every 26-45 days..

the moon cycles backwards

and a woman screams outwards

She screams out her pain.

And the blood does flow

freely as though

she cut open a vein.

But we are told, that this is normal,

this much blood.

this much pain.

perfectly normal.

to suggest any otherwise?

you must be insane.

So Jump right up the Red Line

Baby.

Watch me twist, turn, yipe,

and contort-as if I am a puppet

and my uterus holds my strings.

But isn’t this just what women do?

Isn’t this just normal, childbearing stuff?

It’s ok that the men do not believe it.

What hurts us the most,

are the other women who doubt us.

Then the doctors too who do not believe us.

Take your time.

Get in Line.

Jump right in, then learn to swim.

swim as though you are

very afraid of drowning

not in tears, not in lakes

but in rivers filled of blood.

Come on, aboard, everybody

get on quick. Step right up,

onto

The Red Line.

 

 

Failure feels like this:

Failure feels like this,

where you want something so very badly,

and nothing you can ever do,

will reach the high bar.

Others do all the jumping,

from one goal to the next like a gymnast

on the high bars flipping back and forth

jumping this way and the next with

such divine grace.

If I tried to do all that fancy stuff,

I would simply fall down,

right onto my face.

failure feels like this.

Failure feels like you are trying so hard, its too hard,

and you are over-shooting the mark.

For some it is so easy, to start a family,

for others there are far too many obstacles.

No matter how hard I try,

to cope, to accept, to understand

I will never be someone’s mother…

deep down inside there is a small voice,

which whispers, what if?

And I squash that voice down, becomes,

it longs for the impossible.

A barren wasteland bears no fruit-

nor do i, nor do i, nor do i…

failure feels like this.

chronic pain

when you suffer from
a chronic pain disorder,
people frequently
try to tell you, that,
the pain you feel
is all made up in your head.

So then therefore, your not only
hurting all over but
your lying or just plain crazy too.

If somebody smiles at you
knowingly and promises
surgery as a cure,
then they may not only be
violating their oath
of do no harm

but they also maybe
clearly wrong.

Why take chances like that?
It’s extreme, and chronically
broken, this healthcare
riot of a system-

we are stuck in.
you try to trust them, after all,
they are doctors right?

however sometimes it pays,
to get a second,
or even third or fourth,
opinion.

Especially, if the doctor
in question appears to
be selling snake-skin oil
claiming its pure gold.

It’s not always easy to see the liars,
from the rest or
who you determine,
is the best.

But if your 6th sense,
is tingling like crazy
like somebody is full of shit
and lying to you,

i would say trust your
heart above all else.
Do not take drastic measures,
if you feel against it.

then follow your own advice.

****one more poem about this: http://dirtyfilthybutterflyblues.blogspot.com/2013/04/meltdowns-from-madness.html

Welcome home; in more ways than one

Damn it all,

as determined as I was NOT to go.

the PAIN won,

and I became undone.

 

I found myself at 4pm-home alone-

except for a sickly mother-in-law.

she had a car, My car was at the husbands

place of employment.

I has no choice, doubled up in pain, screaming & crying,

moaning even. I had to ask the heart patient, with

high blood pressure and emotional issues-

to drive me to an ER,

 

I was there five hours,

2.5 of which i was gasping to/

breathe in between screams./

they were nice enough/

I was a wild mess.

 

They ordered a CT scan,

they found multiple issues,

ones I had known about for almost 3 years/

tried to ignore.

 

scary words-like legions/renal masses/

renal cysts/poly-cystic right kidney/

and the oh-to-familiar,

chocolate ovarian cyst/ right ovary.

 

Then the referrals to:

multiple doctors/my primary/a urologist/

a kidney specialist-(which sounded a lot like nerf-ball)

-a nerfologist, a obgyn-(again)…even a neurologist.

they were not even referrals more like directions/

listed in my discharge summary…

 

All I can think is will I really need my kidney removed?

And neoplasm -just a 10 cent word for cancer-,

mu husband says think small, think biopsy, do not get/

ahead of yourself.

After all those hours screaming and crying,

its not to hard to get a head,

sooner or later,

one day I might just be

dead.

 

 

Pain

Pain

Here it comes again,

the pain, my body screaming into my head,

as i remain silent yet watchful,

as i feel it.

I just sit here and take it all in.

The broken tooth, in need of a root canal,

The endometriosis, which bothers me most on

a monthly basis. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Endometriosis)

I’ve got 4 stars-no wait-i meant I’m at stage four.

And its been, tons of fun,

all those times, I just sit and cry, and its really not,

getting better, it only gets worse with time,

the pain i cannot describe, its like a vice of metal,

squeezing along my insides,

by my ribs but extending into

my pelvic floor, running up and down,

my spine,

and i barely seem

to bleed anymore,

but the pain, comes at me like,

waves of sea-water, tangled me up

into chains of seaweed,

as i wait

for Poseidon,

to bring his great sea-pitch-fork,

to cut me free,

of all this pain,

I’ve been in.