Endometriosis please stop! Your killing me….

Here is a link that describes this invisible, random and rare illness I have. I have stage 4 the most severe.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/abby-norman/this-is-what-endometriosi_b_5704273.html

Words cannot express:

Words cannot express

Words can tear me down

or

Words can lift me up

but words can never express-all this pain i feel.

this pain is REAL.

this pain is kinda, sorta, A BIG DEAL.

Words cannot express

the intensity

the depths

of my

chronic pain.

and i feel

as though i am losing

my mind.

I found a doctor

who will prescribe

a new pain medication.

but we cannot get it filled

until after May 19th

my next menes is due on May 17th

it’s going to suck

but somehow

i will make do

somehow i

will pull through.

in the meantime-

all i ask,

is

please

Endometriosis,

please stop

this pain

is

killing

me,

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Failure feels like this:

Failure feels like this,

where you want something so very badly,

and nothing you can ever do,

will reach the high bar.

Others do all the jumping,

from one goal to the next like a gymnast

on the high bars flipping back and forth

jumping this way and the next with

such divine grace.

If I tried to do all that fancy stuff,

I would simply fall down,

right onto my face.

failure feels like this.

Failure feels like you are trying so hard, its too hard,

and you are over-shooting the mark.

For some it is so easy, to start a family,

for others there are far too many obstacles.

No matter how hard I try,

to cope, to accept, to understand

I will never be someone’s mother…

deep down inside there is a small voice,

which whispers, what if?

And I squash that voice down, becomes,

it longs for the impossible.

A barren wasteland bears no fruit-

nor do i, nor do i, nor do i…

failure feels like this.

Tired and Wore down

Tired and wore out, wore down,

exhausted both mentally and physically-

ill both mentally and physically.

 

Somethings just not right

i had another panic attack

last night.

 

the ones where i forget

the simplistic natural art

of breathing in and out.

 

gasping, groaning, doing

a freak out.

I’m not sure what triggered it??/

a little bit of nothingness-

a whole lot of everything.

 

Just really starting to feel,

the flip side of the coin

less than ideal.

 

the side with the sad face,

instead of a smiley happy face.

the sorrow i keep gathered

under my bed of feathers

 

sorrow breeds depression

while depression breeds discontent,

resulting into an

overabundance of frustrated tears.

 

I am just hoping,

and praying that /

this time will be different/

please do not let things

remain unhinged.

 

if they do,

i will surely break again,

right down the middle,

split in half…..

 

my bipolar skin-case

for all the world to see

to create a mockery

of me and my crazy-train

 

i rode in on.

 

but still lingers the sparse flower,

the reddest rose, itself contains

a glimmer of hope

for me to cling onto

 

yet beware the thorns.

yes, beware the thorns,

beware the thorns.

 

they are real,

and they make us bleed.

you want fries with that?

This was first posted on the other blog on
blogspot-dirtyfilthybutterflyblues
but i wrote it all by myself like 15 min ago-
(by Emily Sturgill, 2013)

You want fries with that?
You want fries with that?
I imagine my ob-gyn saying,
as he nonchalantly suggests,
what i really need,
is but of course;

a total and complete
hysterectomy, uterus,ovaries
everything out…because
that would “cure” me
absolutely for sure…

I look at him rather blankly,
he says it as if its no big deal
this sterilization of everything

female and mine.
He does acknowledge, once again,
the bare facts, that my husband and I
would like to have a baby.

He insists this with false cheer,
that we should definitely do IVF then
get the hysterectomy later, on the side so to speak.
As if i were as simple as marching right up
to the local IVF store and buying a single
baby gift card. Yeah, right, I’ll be sure
to get right on it,

in a jiffy, as soon as I win the mega millions jackpot.
And, I will certainly consider your “promised cure.”
as soon as I decide to give up on everything
and opt for dangerous surgeries,
that come with instant menopause
attached.

So pissed off right about,
NOW. He even said at my age, pregnancy is highly,
unlikely, in 8 weeks I will turn 39.
So yeah, I guess I will go with

the king-size, large order of hysterectomy, to go
with a appetizer of IVF, a large sweet tea, some infertility;
oh yes, I would like fries with that.

Did i mention I fucking hate doctors?
It’s ridiculous. I’m not going to have anybody remove all
my lady parts, just because, they would
like a hefty paycheck-bonus.

i think i can see the future.
I’m getting a vision right now,
clear as day, this is the last visit
to your office for me.

Goodbye. Nice knowing you,
but nothing personal,
just go screw you.
thanks, I think i’ll take the fries,
but hold off on everything else.

Welcome home; in more ways than one

Damn it all,

as determined as I was NOT to go.

the PAIN won,

and I became undone.

 

I found myself at 4pm-home alone-

except for a sickly mother-in-law.

she had a car, My car was at the husbands

place of employment.

I has no choice, doubled up in pain, screaming & crying,

moaning even. I had to ask the heart patient, with

high blood pressure and emotional issues-

to drive me to an ER,

 

I was there five hours,

2.5 of which i was gasping to/

breathe in between screams./

they were nice enough/

I was a wild mess.

 

They ordered a CT scan,

they found multiple issues,

ones I had known about for almost 3 years/

tried to ignore.

 

scary words-like legions/renal masses/

renal cysts/poly-cystic right kidney/

and the oh-to-familiar,

chocolate ovarian cyst/ right ovary.

 

Then the referrals to:

multiple doctors/my primary/a urologist/

a kidney specialist-(which sounded a lot like nerf-ball)

-a nerfologist, a obgyn-(again)…even a neurologist.

they were not even referrals more like directions/

listed in my discharge summary…

 

All I can think is will I really need my kidney removed?

And neoplasm -just a 10 cent word for cancer-,

mu husband says think small, think biopsy, do not get/

ahead of yourself.

After all those hours screaming and crying,

its not to hard to get a head,

sooner or later,

one day I might just be

dead.