Depression

Depression-an acrostic poem 11/12/15

Doubts

Energy lost

Pain

Regrets

Emptiness

Sadness

Sorrow

I

only

Need something better.

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lost

lost-10/24/15

feeling lost

little small achey

hurt in a healing heart

feeling small

with hidden jewels of happiness

but i cannot find them all

i am lost

at a loss for words

a word like hope

feels too big for me.

there is a ache in my heart

an emptiness in my chest

a sadness in my soul.

sometimes losing hurts so much

you can forget what winning feels like.

the world gives us both

so much to lose

but so much to win.

i feel lost.

its temporary and i know

that I will find what I am looking for.

the missing muse

the missing muse-

poetry left me

it left my mouth dry

my words dried up as well

depression and mania

stole my creativity

it stole my summer

the rocky rope bridge

between emotional extremes

it extinguished the flame of poetry

my blog was left lonely empty

now new medications

a path to recovery

trying to find my muse

trying to find my voice

trying to find words

to weld into a web of internet

connections and old friends.

an iny_tRo_ duction

an iny_tRo_ duction.

Song of Silence

Song of Silence

by Emily Sturgill

4/16/15

A song that is sung silently

hung like a halo

privately

among curses

among the plenty.

A song that hangs mighty

around ones neck

completely

gathered into a noose

of blood red roses

thorns

a song sung silently

drowning out

the obvious

and the sheer

terrors of insanity.

A secret song

sung silently

hung tightly

upon reams

of unwritten

poetry.

Moody Music and black coffee…

Moody music & black coffee

as I rush up

the morning greets me.

Mother in laws

unhappy & her screaming

gets to me.

So I put on a CD of Goth type

moody music & drink black coffee

if I hide upstairs she won’t see me

if i hide upstairs I can pretend

she’s not so unhappy, bristling & angry

at the whole entire everything of her own

personal story & her history.

She is sick right now which

darkens her sky even more

and with all that yelling

she is difficult to ignore.

But I realize you cannot make others happy.

and no matter how hard I try to please

it’s just going to blow up in my face

it’s never going to work out

with her argumentative personality

nothing I say can count.

Also, matter of fact I am sick right now too,

but she lacks the empathy or understanding

that others can also feel sick, no she has to be,

the one worse off & the complete

center of attention.

It bothers me of course-

that I can never catch a break with her.

She lacks the empathy, I once assumed was

a natural part of every single lady.

But she was cast from a different mold.

I try to make her happy but only to

a certain degree because I realize

happiness is virtually impossible

for her, unless she changes her mind

and decides too-to be happy?

Misery is more what’s on her list

& misery loves company-

so she tries to drag me in-into her dramas,

that is why I hide myself

behind a staircase

behind some moody music

and I drink my black coffee

thankful that I am mostly happy

most of the time, anyways.

She is old beyond her years.

She is loud beyond belief,

and I think she needs some happy pills

because she never has relief.

Moody music & black coffee

as I rush up

the morning greets me.

Sadness grabbed there first.

Sadness grabbed there first

before I know what she was.

Sadness grabbed my heart She left

a white marked

trail

along the paths of veins and arteries.

ghostly fingers imprinted her mark

of fine woven sandy fingerprints

of the shadow of

an invisible sadness.

Sadness was a secret sister to me

she held me silently

even on all the days

I wept both crazy and madly.

Sadness she was with me

through everything

almost at all.

She cast a sudden sharp shadow

upon my happiest moments and

memories-She colored the most beautiful of days

into grayness colored ashes

the cremation of happiness

into an ugly urn

only I could see, while because Sadness

She touched me first there.

She grabbed my small heart

and left a lingering loneliness,

She left a longing for

teardrops unspent

a lingering romance

with her own tormentor and invention

a man in a blacken smog suit

some call

by the name

Depression.

 

 

The Draw to the Bright side-

The draw to the bright side~10690209_10202380310584146_6677950030328337425_n

Sometimes we begin,

with the best of all attentions,

but we secretly close ourselves

off. We draw the curtains close. We wear

our sunglasses. We begin to feel that there is

no more bright side,

to this life.

But in reality we have shun

the bright side away.

We close ourselves off to illuminations,

We close ourselves off to blue skies,

sunshine, and warm pretty places.

Suddenly our world slips,

from black & white,

into only gray.

We forget about the light.

And the light itself, it grows its wings,

it flies away,

but only because we refuse,

to seek it out.

Life is not only one-sided.

Everyday, there are equal amounts,

of darkness and light

dancing and playing.

Ask yourself, quite honestly, which are

you seeking? The darkness or the light?

Or the beauty found in both?

A glass neither half empty or half full-

remains just a glass, with some water in it

after all…will you drink it or not?

silly questions…

but still  glass remains just a glass.

Resentment in my garden

Resentment in my garden-

I often turn to You

when I have problems or issues with

your Mother, because I cannot interact

with her the same way you do.

 

You act like I am such a Fool

for bothering You.

For asking you to handle certain things.

It’s unfair of You,

to get angry with Me-

 

for being unable,

to constantly be taking care of her

and her emotional turmoil

her constant waves

of instability.

 

You clearly expect Me,

to just shut up & deal with it.

Your at work!

This is not your problem!

You know what?

 

This is your problem!!!

She is Your Mother-not Mine.

I have more than enough

of my own issues.

 

So if I contact you -once in a

great while-please do not act

like it’s not your problem,

like I am the one

with all this dirt upon my hands.

 

You expect me & your youngest brother,

to just shut up & take care

of her all the time!!

 

there is resentment in my garden.

It grows there like ivy

I envy You

quite honestly.

You cannot even stand to be around her

for more than 30 minutes at a time…

Yet you expect me to pick up the slack,

and constantly try to deal with her

 

You could help the situation.

But you pretend its a non-issue.

For You perhaps it is.

there is resentment in my garden.

It grows there like ivy

I envy You

quite honestly.

You cannot even stand to be around her

for more than 30 minutes at a time…

Yet you expect me to pick up the slack,

and constantly try to deal with her

 

 

But for us, we deal with her daily.

 

24/7 no breaks involved.

It’s unfair to everybody involved.

Yet you refuse to see,

how being one of Your Mothers

caretakers-takes a toll on me.

 

Suicide Song

Suicide song-

i think i know why,

the caged bird sings,

because it is loved, fed, petted & talked to.

i think i know why

some people choose to die.

sometimes  imagine it

sometimes i feel like i even want it.

the release

the sense of freedom & peace.

the escape…from it all…

two slit wrists

won’t lead me to paradise.

suicide is a terrifying car ride

that crashes and burns

not just taking you down,

but everyone else who cares about you

too.

Still i imagine, a bloody passionate fatal

mistake, which at this point

i am certain i will not make.

but still comes crashing

these thoughts which do burn

my dreams of becoming

someone who learns

from their mistakes.

I do not want to be

stuck deep down in the earth

lying in a cemetery,

I would rather be

that happy, caged bird which sings

because it is loved, petted , fed & talked too.

I am dealing with darkness

not because i really want too,

but because the darkness is here

all around my guilty, neglected, hateful

traitors heart.

two slit wrists

won’t lead me to paradise.

suicide is a terrifying car ride

that crashes and burns

not just taking you down,

but everyone else who cares about you

too.