frustration mounts & eats my soul away…

Frustration mounts…and eats my soul away.

Devouring me from the inside out.

I will never be able to be normal,

and I don’t know what that’s all about….

 

I’m just another random head-case,

trapped beneath a system of doubt.

a broken down merry-go-wheel ride,

of social security benefits and random poverty.

 

I would love if just one of my nameless,

faceless republican family or friends,

would attempt to live high on the horse,

with my government income of barely $6,000.00 per year.

 

They make such a big deal out of,

that fact that i should be “grateful” for benefits…

Grateful, for what for being even more poor, than everybody else?

I make way less than min. wage

 

I should have never gone to college anyway.

Or the University, what a joke!

My older sister skipped all the academics,

worked very hard on her way to the top, too.

But she did not play a fool,

as I tend to do.

 

I wasted 19 years of my life in college or at the university.

I cannot help but be bitter by it.

Now what i owe in student loans, could buy a fancy house,

which i will never afford.

 

I do not even qualify to get hired at a min. wage job.

My mind today is set on meltdown.

So much frustration,

Ever hear of the so-called – law of attraction?

 

According to this ever popular theory,

I choose a mental illness

to become my entire life-story.

 

I choose a life with poverty, crime, being a victim of

both a few violent muggings and a couple of rapes.

 

Somehow, this was all decided by me.

I say bullshit to that.

I am not flowery or happy today.

Today I am just me, brittle, bruised and feeling

under attack.

Tired and Wore down

Tired and wore out, wore down,

exhausted both mentally and physically-

ill both mentally and physically.

 

Somethings just not right

i had another panic attack

last night.

 

the ones where i forget

the simplistic natural art

of breathing in and out.

 

gasping, groaning, doing

a freak out.

I’m not sure what triggered it??/

a little bit of nothingness-

a whole lot of everything.

 

Just really starting to feel,

the flip side of the coin

less than ideal.

 

the side with the sad face,

instead of a smiley happy face.

the sorrow i keep gathered

under my bed of feathers

 

sorrow breeds depression

while depression breeds discontent,

resulting into an

overabundance of frustrated tears.

 

I am just hoping,

and praying that /

this time will be different/

please do not let things

remain unhinged.

 

if they do,

i will surely break again,

right down the middle,

split in half…..

 

my bipolar skin-case

for all the world to see

to create a mockery

of me and my crazy-train

 

i rode in on.

 

but still lingers the sparse flower,

the reddest rose, itself contains

a glimmer of hope

for me to cling onto

 

yet beware the thorns.

yes, beware the thorns,

beware the thorns.

 

they are real,

and they make us bleed.