My Adventures into Endometriosis Stage IV land…

Endometriosis is a chronic pain illness that affect 1 in 10 women worldwide.

Basically Endometriosis has no known proven cause and no proven cures. One theory about how endometriosis develops is that it develops while the woman is a fetus in utero. Then there are other theories-one I believe is the Migration theory because it makes the most sense to me and my hubby both. Basically this is a hypothesis that endo starts in the endometrial lining of a woman’s uterus-now the cause remains unknown but the theory suggests that somehow those cells in the body-endometrial lining cells are able to migrate out of a wombs uterus/womb. They then implant in places like the bowels, the ovaries, the sciatic nerves, the back and the legs and of course the pelvis.

My journey began in 2006, when i was diagnosed with an ovarian cysts. Most and many of the obgyns I went too, only wanted to monitor it to see if it would go away? Finally in 2009, a new doctor wanted to try to remove it using laparoscopic surgery.This dr was older and experienced but it just happened she was not experienced with this illness. She was actually a plastic surgeon obgyn. She helped women after they had babies have some strange surgery to make their vaginias appear as if they never had babies before? So she was an expert in that.

After she operated on me she said she could not remove the cyst only drain it and explained it was a chocolate cyst and that meant i had a condition called endometriosis. She sent me to a different surgeon who was an expert in infertility. That led to another operation called a pelviscopy-to see if my fallopian tube worked?  Sure enough one tube was blocked but we were somewhat shocked to discover the other one worked. The other surprise was all of my female organs were literally ‘stuck together” due to my disease.That last surgery was in 2010. Since then I tried many different obgyns and other methods to control my pain or increase fertility. Sadly I did get pregnant in 2011 only to miscarry within six weeks of conception.

I have not see a OBGYN since 2012. My hubby finally pleaded for me to go to one at least for a female check up-pap,breast and pelvic exam.I am debating whether another surgery would help me or not.

In the meantime though I compiled all the endometriosis poetry off my blog last month and wrote a poetry chapbook.

Currently it is FREE to download:

to get a free copy follow the link below, but i must warn you it contains some profanity, and some vividly described imagery:

http://www.amazon.com/Dont-make-bleed-Confessions-Uterus-ebook/dp/B00VOIHPO6/ref=asap_bc?ie=UTF8

ALSO THE PAPERBACK VERSION IS AVAILABLE AS A FREE GOODREADS RAFFLE GIVEAWAY:

TO WIN A FREE SIGNED COPY ENTER HERE:

https://www.goodreads.com/giveaway/show/135617-don-t-watch-me-bleed-confessions-of-a-uterus-in-pain-poetry

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Endometriosis please stop! Your killing me….

Here is a link that describes this invisible, random and rare illness I have. I have stage 4 the most severe.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/abby-norman/this-is-what-endometriosi_b_5704273.html

Words cannot express:

Words cannot express

Words can tear me down

or

Words can lift me up

but words can never express-all this pain i feel.

this pain is REAL.

this pain is kinda, sorta, A BIG DEAL.

Words cannot express

the intensity

the depths

of my

chronic pain.

and i feel

as though i am losing

my mind.

I found a doctor

who will prescribe

a new pain medication.

but we cannot get it filled

until after May 19th

my next menes is due on May 17th

it’s going to suck

but somehow

i will make do

somehow i

will pull through.

in the meantime-

all i ask,

is

please

Endometriosis,

please stop

this pain

is

killing

me,

Endo bite me!

Endo bite me-

a poem written by Emily H. Sturgill

April 25,2015

Endo can bite me!

with all of its cruel insults

its nasty-ass tricks

and its never ending

agony of pain.

Endo you can bite me!

with all your

bloody monthlies…

with your outward

attacks on my fragile

pain ridden body

causing scars and infertility

but changing my appearance

so dramatically.

I am like a Pear

in a bowl among forbidden

fruit.

I’m in the shape of a

mother

yet i’ve never born

another.

endo can bite me!

i hate it so much

I cannot tolerate

this illness

which drys invisible

like invisible ink

on old parchment papers.

So nobody can see

the twinges of pain

the muscle spasms

i so very much dread.

So endo, why don’t you?

Just go away, just for today?

Why don’t you disappear

like a nightmare grown

between both my ears.

A dream dreamt five years ago.

A chilling nightmare

where is freddy krueger?

when a girl needs a friend?

I am trapped in this god-forsaken

dream

this nightmare that only twists and turns

convorts my body

into the pretzel person lobby.

Endo you can bite me,

i am so sick

to death of you.

bother some other woman.

give me some peace

endo i am breaking up with

you-

and endo you can bite me too!

The law of attraction

The Law of Attraction,

never seems to sink in with me,

somehow.

Many family members swear by this.

And they are all financially much better off than I.

 

I want to believe, I really really do.

I just have a hard time taking

personal responsibility,

for every negative and awful

causality that has ever befallen me.

 

I have trouble believing that

I have a higher spiritual self  which

somehow decided to embrace mental illness,

welcome rape, miscarriages, and other crimes

upon myself so freely and willingly-

 

as if i have a please kick me sign,

attached to my rear end-

or a stupid “willing victim” sign

taped to my forehead.

That growing up, I always dreamt,

I would be unemployed and living below the poverty level.

 

I do believe very much in karma,

and that what you put out,

comes back three times.

 

I believe in many superstitions as well.

I avoid opening umbrellas indoors,

or walking beneath ladders.

I read Tarot cards but fear oujia boards.

I believe in ghosts, astral projection and re-incarnation.

 

Yet, still i struggle to accept the law of attraction.

Maybe, it’s quite paranoid of me.

But I cannot make sense, that each and every bad

experience i have ever had,

i invited and chose to have it.

i do not get this.

it confounds me greatly.

 

 

sorrow encased in a whisper

Here you go,
take this-quickly-please
do not drop it-it is something secret-
here is my sorrow, its encased in a whisper.

Here please keep it somewhere safe.
For, i have carried it too long,
it’s becoming burdensome.
Something very heavy and steep.

here please can you just get rid of it for me?
Here it is all my sorrow
it’s fragile, like I am, it’s encased
beneath this whisper.

Take it someplace far from me.
Take it away, let it run free.
Get rid of this secret sadness
this thing i can no longer bear.

Take this sorrow encased
in my whisper,
take it away and drown it
in sunlight and flowers.

Help me pick of the pieces
of all my broken tomorrows.
Take this sorrow away and replace it
with something beautiful,

Replace it with Hope,
or Faith,
or Strength,
or Happiness
or Wisdom…

Just please got rid of this sorrow,
encased in my muffled
whisper. Let it go.

Feelin’ a hot mess

Feelin’ like a hot mess,

these words cannot express

the way I feel deep down inside

the ache is my spine,

the pain right below, my navel,

these emotions that go

up and down like a carnival lackey’s hammer.

Feelin’ a hot mess

that’s me…and I am not so

sure how I will keep

it altogether,

like a unraveled sweater,

i fall apart at my seams.

I try to reach out-

to the ones one mean-well once meant-

the most-yet they have abandoned me.

Completely and utterly.

And the ones I do have left?

I just do not want to call… with more bad news.

It will drive them away too.

And right now I just

do not know,

what to do or who to trust?

Feelin’ a hot mess…

trying to hold it together,

but i feel like i’m coming

unhinged, unglued, apart

at the seams.

chronic pain

when you suffer from
a chronic pain disorder,
people frequently
try to tell you, that,
the pain you feel
is all made up in your head.

So then therefore, your not only
hurting all over but
your lying or just plain crazy too.

If somebody smiles at you
knowingly and promises
surgery as a cure,
then they may not only be
violating their oath
of do no harm

but they also maybe
clearly wrong.

Why take chances like that?
It’s extreme, and chronically
broken, this healthcare
riot of a system-

we are stuck in.
you try to trust them, after all,
they are doctors right?

however sometimes it pays,
to get a second,
or even third or fourth,
opinion.

Especially, if the doctor
in question appears to
be selling snake-skin oil
claiming its pure gold.

It’s not always easy to see the liars,
from the rest or
who you determine,
is the best.

But if your 6th sense,
is tingling like crazy
like somebody is full of shit
and lying to you,

i would say trust your
heart above all else.
Do not take drastic measures,
if you feel against it.

then follow your own advice.

****one more poem about this: http://dirtyfilthybutterflyblues.blogspot.com/2013/04/meltdowns-from-madness.html

you want fries with that?

This was first posted on the other blog on
blogspot-dirtyfilthybutterflyblues
but i wrote it all by myself like 15 min ago-
(by Emily Sturgill, 2013)

You want fries with that?
You want fries with that?
I imagine my ob-gyn saying,
as he nonchalantly suggests,
what i really need,
is but of course;

a total and complete
hysterectomy, uterus,ovaries
everything out…because
that would “cure” me
absolutely for sure…

I look at him rather blankly,
he says it as if its no big deal
this sterilization of everything

female and mine.
He does acknowledge, once again,
the bare facts, that my husband and I
would like to have a baby.

He insists this with false cheer,
that we should definitely do IVF then
get the hysterectomy later, on the side so to speak.
As if i were as simple as marching right up
to the local IVF store and buying a single
baby gift card. Yeah, right, I’ll be sure
to get right on it,

in a jiffy, as soon as I win the mega millions jackpot.
And, I will certainly consider your “promised cure.”
as soon as I decide to give up on everything
and opt for dangerous surgeries,
that come with instant menopause
attached.

So pissed off right about,
NOW. He even said at my age, pregnancy is highly,
unlikely, in 8 weeks I will turn 39.
So yeah, I guess I will go with

the king-size, large order of hysterectomy, to go
with a appetizer of IVF, a large sweet tea, some infertility;
oh yes, I would like fries with that.

Did i mention I fucking hate doctors?
It’s ridiculous. I’m not going to have anybody remove all
my lady parts, just because, they would
like a hefty paycheck-bonus.

i think i can see the future.
I’m getting a vision right now,
clear as day, this is the last visit
to your office for me.

Goodbye. Nice knowing you,
but nothing personal,
just go screw you.
thanks, I think i’ll take the fries,
but hold off on everything else.

Welcome home; in more ways than one

Damn it all,

as determined as I was NOT to go.

the PAIN won,

and I became undone.

 

I found myself at 4pm-home alone-

except for a sickly mother-in-law.

she had a car, My car was at the husbands

place of employment.

I has no choice, doubled up in pain, screaming & crying,

moaning even. I had to ask the heart patient, with

high blood pressure and emotional issues-

to drive me to an ER,

 

I was there five hours,

2.5 of which i was gasping to/

breathe in between screams./

they were nice enough/

I was a wild mess.

 

They ordered a CT scan,

they found multiple issues,

ones I had known about for almost 3 years/

tried to ignore.

 

scary words-like legions/renal masses/

renal cysts/poly-cystic right kidney/

and the oh-to-familiar,

chocolate ovarian cyst/ right ovary.

 

Then the referrals to:

multiple doctors/my primary/a urologist/

a kidney specialist-(which sounded a lot like nerf-ball)

-a nerfologist, a obgyn-(again)…even a neurologist.

they were not even referrals more like directions/

listed in my discharge summary…

 

All I can think is will I really need my kidney removed?

And neoplasm -just a 10 cent word for cancer-,

mu husband says think small, think biopsy, do not get/

ahead of yourself.

After all those hours screaming and crying,

its not to hard to get a head,

sooner or later,

one day I might just be

dead.

 

 

Pain sucks

Pain sucks so hard/ it takes all your breath away/into the narrow margins/

into the spaces of a single day/pain sucks so hard/its sharp like a blade/it cuts like a knife/

the pain that i feel/makes you think twice/but not ever play nice.

Pain sucks/the wind outta the ships sail/shipwrecked/upon the furthest shore.

Land ho!!/and you are here/hurting all over this place/which you used to call your face.

My jaw is raw/the nerve is exposed/naked and fleshy/like a fat peach/dripping juice/everywhere/instead of juice/i am content/merely to drool/then yell/then scream/and cry/ but i wonder why?/why does pain suck so hard?/ and why can’t i/ just put my big girl panties on/ and take it like a man?/ why am i so fragile/so frazzeled/ so beside myself/that i cannot even scream/ on the outside/instead/i scream from the inside out/& then nobody hears?/Pain really sucks sometimes…