Relaxing with music,
the Singer-songwriter M.Ward,
sings sweetly in my background.
My mother in law is at a doctors appointment.
My husband has left to go watch the latest
Superman movie-then he has a therapy appointment.
I’m all alone, at home again.
It’s peaceful. Despite a few stray teardrops,
which escape me.
Mood wise-slide sideways,
between sad and joy…
relief at being simply more of myself,
More in control.
Heads still somewhat cloudy-
but feet are nailed safely/to the ground.
Every-time, I have another
it feels as though both my body and brain-
have betrayed me yet again.
They have turned me inside out/
into somebody insane…
just the name of this
There is nothing I can really do
except my best,
to avoid these times/
of madness, at the slip of a dime.
I take my medicine as prescribed.
I never miss my doctor sessions.
I try to get enough sleep.
I try to not freak out.
Despite the hurdle of Everything/
I occasionally still/
completely lose my mind.
It always feels as though-
I have betrayed myself somehow…
My episodes the last two years, strictly on my meds,
have been smaller & shorter,
no real damage has been done.
I should feel happy,
as if I’ve won.
But instead I am sadden by the way,
I become undone.
Like a sweater with one button popping loose,
as if by random chance.
I know of others with my disease,
have fewer times of the in-between.
Fewer times of the semi-normalcy, stable state.
I know I am blessed and lucky.
At least my medicines control
my CRAZY, from time to time…
Nobody’s perfect all the time.
We all have our flaws.
It just sucks that history tends to;
repeat itself in my general direction.
I am caught in the constant cobweb
of being CRAZY.
I run away from home TIME AND TIME AGAIN…
Just like the first time, way back in the summer,
I’m a song stuck on repeat.
A dance number without a beat.
Filled with sadness & joy, all at once,
a walking contradiction
allowing & swallowing the impossible
courage & fear of being
plain old ME.