Regrets

Regrets

I regret my decision to stop

taking my much needed bipolar

medications.

I regret the pain I caused

everybody and the mania which ensued.

When I am unwell I am simply not myself

I am something other

somebody both frightened and frighting

now I am left to pick of the

shattered pieces of stability

and attempt to weave them together

again.

Apologies just never seem good enough

the devastation seems huge-

regrets loom large

lessons seem to be never learned.

living with mental illness is very difficult

but thankfully I am not alone

I have friends and family

a wonderful loving husband

we get through the tough times together

we get through the tough times together

despite my regrets.

I know this time I will try to do better.

the missing muse

the missing muse-

poetry left me

it left my mouth dry

my words dried up as well

depression and mania

stole my creativity

it stole my summer

the rocky rope bridge

between emotional extremes

it extinguished the flame of poetry

my blog was left lonely empty

now new medications

a path to recovery

trying to find my muse

trying to find my voice

trying to find words

to weld into a web of internet

connections and old friends.

an iny_tRo_ duction

an iny_tRo_ duction.

the Monster of me

the Monster of me-

12/27/14

by Emily Sturgill

the Monster of me-

you cannot see

from the outside, but,

on the inside

there is a Monster of me.

deep inside a divided mind-

there is a Monster of me

It’s ugly, and messy,

It’s broken, jagged, sharpen edges

with rotted teeth

with the violet violence of despair.

Deep down inside me,

lies horrible truths, like Anger, Depression, Sadness and Fear.

it eats away at me from the inside out.

leaving nothing but

this empty shell

of a young looking pretty

40 something, crazy cat-lady,

bag lady, bag lady, i’ve been there before.

the Monster of me

is what you cannot see.

I appear normal enough

but i am raw to the touch.

and the tears just flow

like a faucet with way too much

draino.

I can appear to be

almost anything. Confident, witty or artsy-

or quiet and shy,

but deep down inside

an unraveling mind,

lies the Truth

I am mentally ill.

I am dangerous

I am to be feared

and never understood.

I am just another anonymous Statistic

I am just another runaway lunatic

I am just another victim

of my own unhinged mind.

I live with bipolar disorder

and that feels like a Crime.

the Monster of me

i keep her chained to the bed

on a dirty mattress

She’s the darkest deepest secret

the Horror in my head.

FREE E-Books to download starting tomorrow 4 poetry & artist chapbooks and 1 personal memoir!

Upcoming Free Kindle ebook Downloads*****Starts tomorrow!!
Four of my Artist & Poetry chapbooks will be free to download as Kindle ebooks:

1-“Do not cry me a River of Crocodile Tears.”(2013)
2-“In Exile from Maxwell park:poems” (2014)
3-“Butterfly rimmed eyeglasses and the trouble with Tuesdays.”(2013)
4-“Red Bones.”(2014) be free to download. These titles will be free from 12/27/14-12/31/14.To download any of these titles please visit my Amazon.com‘s Author Page:www.amazon.com/author/emilysturgill    OR

http://www.amazon.com/Emily-Sturgill/e/B00B1GC5LY

In addition, my personal memoir about living with bipolar disorder,
5-“Memoirs recalled Madness: a personal account of living with manic-depressive disorder.” (2013) will also be free to download from 12-27-14 through 12/31/14.
To download #1 go HERE: http://www.amazon.com/not-cry-River-Crocodile-Tears-ebook/dp/B00DRN85YA/ref=asap_B00B1GC5LY?ie=UTF8
To download My Memoirs on living with Bipolar Disorder/Manic Depression please go HERE:
Keep checking my blog for Kindle deals, I have more deals starting on Dec 28-Jan 21, 2015.
Happy Holidays!!! If you have never read any of my ebooks but do enjoy this blog, the poetry in the books is very similar and I also add my own original artwork as well. You may enjoy them but it’s worth a look. They will be free so you can always delete later, if you decide you hate it or its not your cup of tea. Reviews are highly welcome-both positive or negative I enjoy feedback of any kind because it allows me to become more in tune with what readers like and what they do not care for.Thank you.-Emilywpid-cam01434.jpg Snapshot_20141223_3 Snapshot_20141223_4

Book on Bipolar disorder, “A Brief Guide to Thriving for individual with mental illness and their loved ones.”

I reviewed this book on Good Reads last winter, I believe? But in case anyone missed it. It is worth mentioning here again on my blog. This book “A Brief Guide to Thriving for individual with mental illness and their loved ones.” is by Leesa Abbott, Psy.D I am also mentioning this work in particular because the Author has decided to release a personal memoir soon of her own personal struggles and triumphs living with a SMI-(Serious Mental illness) I am beyond excited about her new release and will let my readers know as soon as I know when that title does become available. Dr. Abbott is a University Professor, a professional poet & author, a mental health advocate who also does volunteer work for NAMI in her spare time. On top of all those things, she also leads a support group for teens struggling with depression while caring for her friends and family. Here is my Review:

“In this book, Dr. Abbott addresses several basic issues and concerns, which would be very useful to anyone diagnosed recently with mental illness, or that person’s friends and family.She presents a model of Recovery in five stages. Dr. Abbott writes that she adopted-(invented perhaps?)-this model, after studying similar models such as the well known 5 stages of Grief/ Loss or certain recovery from addiction models.However she contrasts her model by pointing out while other models are static, hers is not. She feels her model is more fluid-to me her model almost seems circular-although we both agree that a person in any process form of recovery from mental illness may repeat these stages or regress or progress at different stages.

As she points out many with mental illnesses may go in and out of these stages at any given time. Here are her five stages: 1. Psychological Changes 2. Self-Awareness of those changes 3.Receiving help.4. Acceptance of ones own mental illness. 5.Reaching out to others. She does explain not everyone will complete this entire process outlined. The last step is the hardest-to deal with stigma and to reach out to others in need-still suffering-while this is noble-not everyone is capable of this or even wishes to try this.(the author does acknowledge this fact.) Also in this book she recounts her own story of mental illness. I do wish that this section was longer and that she would have expanded. But this is a brief guidebook, I do understand why her focus is not on her personal experiences so much. She centers on the issues faced by those with mental illness and how to help.

This is an useful resource no matter what stage of recovery you are in. This book is ideal because it emphasizes two things; You are not alone and there are a multitude of ways you can help yourself.
One last thing I would like to add, is what the Author says about Hope: “The self-fulfilling
prophecy studied by psychologists, includes the idea that what we continue to believe about ourselves or our future will Eventually come to be. It’s essential to maintain a positive outlook about yourself and your future.”(2013, Abbott.L, p.26)”

 

Video and interview with the author, Dr.Leesa Abbott

“Memoirs Recalled Madness: a personal account of manic-depression.”by Emily Sturgill just $3.99

“Memoirs Recalled Madness: a personal account of manic-depression.”by Emily Sturgill  is currently a kindle-countdown deal.

Right now its priced is reduced from $9.99 to just $3.99. As a countdeal deal the price will slowly increase over the next few days. So I encourage you to buy a copy asap while its still such a low price! It’s a personal memoir dealing with growing up then being diagnosed with bipolar disorder right after high school and my life ever since. The highs and lows but also the successes of a life living with a serious mental health issue.

For more info please follow this link here:

http://www.amazon.com/Memoirs-Recalled-Madness-personal-depressive-ebook/dp/B00C145EOU/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1415134043&sr=1-1

The price is set to increase by $1 tomorrow.

Current Kindle Countdown deal: “Memoirs Recalled Madness: a personal account of living with manic depressive illness.” 99 cents!

In 2013 I wrote a memoir about my own personal experience growing up and later being diagnosed with manic-depression.

Right now, as a Kindle Countdown deal that ebook is reduced from $9.99 to just 99 cents. Since it is a countdown deal the price will increase over the next few days until it is back to it’s original price. So I suggest if it at all has remote interest for you, please go ahead and buy a copy while the price is marked down. This count down started yesterday Oct 31st and runs until Nov 7, 2014. Thank you.

For more information please click on this link:

http://www.amazon.com/Memoirs-Recalled-Madness-personal-depressive-ebook/dp/B00C145EOU/ref=la_B00B1GC5LY_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1414853619&sr=1-1

My only serious suicide attempt: a short story dedicated to the late great Robin Williams.

My only serious suicide attempt, R.I.P Robin Williams….

 

I have lived with and have been fighting bipolar disorder for over 20 years now. I was diagnosed in 1992 at just 18 years old. I had just graduated from high school which the stress and milestone of it hit my Mother like a ton of bricks or I guess it did. Whatever the reason she experienced her first diagnosed manic episode within days of my graduation. Instead of supporting her I became very confused and angry. I ran away from home. Within a month to six weeks I had my first mania my own self.

Anyways, it was a struggle to accept and deal with due to fear and ignorance on my own part, I refused medications on and off through my twenties. When I was 26 I had a very extreme mania during which I met my current spouse and husband Dean. The year was 2000. Even though I was obviously a bit off and eccentric his family welcomed me with open arms that summer. I even moved in with them-Dean and his parents.

During that summer my Mom was diagnosed with ASL-Lou Gerhigs disease. I didn’t even understand what that was. That Fall my world came crashing down on me-the mania was sharply over to be replaced with the worst depression of my life. I came to 3 realizations rather quickly: 1. If i was this depressed after being so happy it could only mean one thing-I definitely had bipolar disorder. 2. If I was this messed up I did not want to live a bipolar lifestyle. 3. I barely even knew my new boyfriend all that well and already I had moved in with him-told him I loved him.

I concocted a dangerous and stupid plan. I decided to go back to my old doctor and tell her I was bipolar and needed help. What I did not tell her-was that i wanted to die and was planning on using any medication she prescribed to me to do it.

I’m not sure if it was even a concrete plan in my mind but secretly i knew. I knew I need pills to be able to just end it.

My husband-boyfriend back then-worked a night job with his family cleaning movie theaters. One night in September or October   I waited until everybody left. About 2 hours before he was to come home i swallowed roughly 30 Depakote. Then something strange happened. I changed my mind! I wanted to Live and I was terrified. When he got me home he rushed me to the nearest ER. They pumped me stomach. They fed me charcoal. I had tubes in me. I was in ICU 4 days. My boyfriend visited all the time. I begged him and his family to please not contact my parents. I was so ashamed.

Ironically my mother was in a hospital herself. The ASL/Lou Gerhigs was attacking very rapidly-she was having breathing issues. I was released in Oct. I visited my Mother roughly 3-4 times-as often as I could. She passed away the following month at 53.

I don’t know if on some level i sensed her death was approaching and that was one of the many reasons I had for trying to end my own life. I did confess the attempt to her. With tears in her eyes she made me promise to stay on my meds and to never never try to kill myself again. I promised her. And I keep the second half of the promise not always the first part.

I do not claim to know the Demons that haunted Robin Williams. I do know publicly he admitted to a struggle with bipolar illness-manic depression-and substance abuse. I also know men are more likely to complete a suicide attempt instead of women. Simply because men usually pick such hardcore methods there is no turning back. I wonder if he wanted to turn back at any point but it was already too late? I am thankful many and most days that I was able to undone the damage of my suicide attempt.

Please trust me-nothing is so bad it is worth losing your life over. There is always somebody who cares for you if not deeply loves you. Your death could not just end your life but ruin the lives of those around you. There is always help available. All you have to do is reach out-to somebody-anybody & there are anonymous crisis hotlines that are 24 hrs to prevent suicide. Of course we should really remember Robin for how he lived and not how he died. But do not let his passing be in vain.  Let it be a wake up call that suicides can be preventable. That suicidal feelings can get better and go away during treatment if you seek help.Death is a drastic measure. It is a step into the abyss from no turning back.

www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org

******

I’m not sure why we had to lose somebody as wonderful as Robin Williams. Perhaps it was simply his time to go. I really do not understand or can pretend to know why.

It is saddening me greatly that the media is choosing to label his illness as simply “depression”. Depression is a very real and really dangerous illness. But it is much less complex and easier and more successful to treat than bipolar disorder/manic depression. I think it does his memory a disservice to mislabel him as simply a depressed person. He was also a Manic person-which was part of why the world loved to laugh with him. His fast thinking, his fast paced wit, His outrageous humor it all came with a heavy price. These are some of the “benefits ” of having a manic episode. But what goes up must also come down And the higher you are the faster you fall.

****Also I do not often discuss my personal battles with mental illnesses on my blog BUT I have three self-published poetry artist chapbooks dedicated to such issues.
The first is a personal memoir written during perhaps a semi-hypo-manic state:
Here is a link:
http://www.amazon.com/Memoirs-Recalled-Madness-personal-depressive-ebook/dp/B00C145EOU/ref=la_B00B1GC5LY_1_7?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1407884097&sr=1-7

then there were two other poetry artist books i wrote prior to this memoir listed above.
Combined it is a two-part series I named the “Rantings and Ravings Series.”
1. This one is currently on FREE kindle downloads:
http://www.amazon.com/letters-Madness-pictures-Rantings-Ravings-ebook/dp/B00B13BO96/ref=la_B00B1GC5LY_1_9_title_0_main?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1407884097&sr=1-9
2.This one only costs $3.99 on the kindle right now:
http://www.amazon.com/letters-Madness-pictures-Rantings-Ravings-ebook/dp/B00B2XHKW0/ref=la_B00B1GC5LY_1_10_title_0_main?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1407884097&sr=1-10

Life isn’t always what it seems..

Life isn’t always what it seems,
and here I am
I am feeling green.

fresh, newly painted
a face-lift onto my dusty portrait
in the mirror I see myself
AS IF: All brand new.

Life isn’t always what it seems,
and here I am
feeling blue.

Wishing I was much easier
less difficult, stubborn, moody~
somebody different,
slipping sideways into someone else’s skin~

snakelike, voodoo like a real Doll,
is where I begin,
Again.

And, Life isn’t always what it seems,
and here I am
feeling red.

isolated,feeling a overwhelming
sense
of dread.

No. No. No.
Life isn’t always what it seems,
and here I am
feeling yellow.

I sit with a cup of
coffee-blackened Joe.
Just so you, know
I am only human.

now I’m feeling
somewhat
mellow.

Life isn’t always what it seems,
and here I am
feeling green.

Something brand new
deep inside my skin
itches, trembles, and grows
into a seed of small
beginnings.

Life isn’t always what it seems,
and here I am
feeling naked.
feeling green.
feeling blue.
feeling red.

There is one hell of a messy
palette inside,
my own head.