The brain trap

So surprised and relieved,

to be free

of all the tricks my brain played on me.

The brain trap,

is a very dark place-

filled with negative

spaces.

My imagination likes

to get carried away into the

deepest darkest cracks

of the brain trap.

It’s the pondering that is

the worst,

if i am not overly cautious-

if will carry me away

in a black hearse.

The brain trap

contains; various toys of self-doubt,

depression, despair,fear and loathing…

when I am stuck deep inside myself-

I just want to cry & shout:

STOP IT!!!STOP IT RIGHT NOW!!!

SHUT UP ALREADY..

enough already.

But sometimes, somehow, someway;

the gray clouds lift and part

the sun comes out

to shine the darkness away.

Relief comes in waves today.

So, see things are not as bad,

as they seemed.

Surprisingly, I take a deep breath,

and my demons go away.

Sometimes somewhere deep inside,

of us all lies a brain trap.

Your brain will lie to you, on occasion,

it happens to both the best & worst of us.

Do yourself a favor,

if your mind is playing tricks, lying and twisting

logic on a stick

do not let it convince you.

Usually in Life nothing is purely,

black nor white,

but a shady color of gray-

life lies in-between.

Do not let yourself fall beneath,

a overwhelming sea

of negativity & anxiety

fight back.

 

Do not despair,

fight the brain trap.

waiting on a healing groove

waiting on

the bus to come by, on time.

waiting for a short stop-

the moment to yank the string.

the destination which develops me,

like an old black and white photograph,

of who i used to be.

 

Waiting on a healing groove.

waiting on an Angel’s song.

waiting for the Buddhist monk, to finish chanting.

watching the Muslim praying at Sundown.

Searching for God or My Goddess,

beneath the olive tree.

 

Religion divides too many of us.

Ripped apart to pieces and yet,

the soul stills knows where to go.

 

waiting on a healing groove.

waiting for illness to depart,

willing for it to leave my lingering heart.

 

Wanting to be more whole,

then being torn apart.

watching the world from a safe distance,

as it argues among itself,

as war breaks out,

as poverty reigns- sometimes there is so

much sorrow….

so much pain,

I begin to feel hollow-

 

 

as a slender reed

like an empty Egyptian

hieroglyphic,

my words themselves begin to bleed.

 

Like an outpouring of

random graffiti, i make the Tag-yet

even I do not know-what the Hell I am saying.

Just waiting…

on the healing groove.

 

 

 

 

Stuck on the serene

I’m stuck on the serene.
I am a fly caught by the sky of stars,
onto your cars dashboard’s glass-
smashing fast
beneath windshield wipers cast of silver.

the past is a postcard memory.
a momentary glismpe over my shoulder,
and a 35 cent postage stamp.

there is so much love here.
it covers me, endlessly.
until i breakout like an allergy.
feeling the rash of never belonging/nor…
being worthy of all the love
he sends to me.

I’m a broken down rabbit earred TV screen.
stuck on static and white noise.
i am broken into too many
ancient places
to be fixed by your hi-fi definations.

I am the broken down pay-phone,
in the mental ward which only takes
quaters, and everybody is fresh out,
sadly giving me longing looks of too much pain.

I am the peeling paint job
on the oldest wooden house
abandoned ob our block
windows nailed shut
front door busted into
filled with the evils of crime, rodents of luck and opportunistic stray cats.

I am the fever which makes you sweat.
my heat intensifies
under a heating blanket, some fiction
and a bodybag of a corpse filled to the brim:
with lies.
IMG_20130615_101420IMG_20130615_101001IMG_20130615_101458

Relaxing with music-all alone again….

Relaxing with music,

the Singer-songwriter M.Ward,

sings sweetly in my background.

My mother in law is at a doctors appointment.

My husband has left to go watch the latest

Superman movie-then he has a therapy appointment.

 

I’m all alone, at home again.

It’s peaceful. Despite a few stray teardrops,

which escape me.

 

Mood wise-slide sideways,

between sad and joy…

relief at being simply more of myself,

again.

 

More in control.

Heads still somewhat cloudy-

but feet are nailed safely/to the ground.

 

Every-time, I have another

manic-depressive episode,

it feels as though both my body and brain-

have betrayed me yet again.

 

 

They have turned me inside out/

into somebody insane…

just the name of this

illness game.

 

There is nothing I can really do

except my best,

to avoid these times/

of madness, at the slip of a dime.

 

I take my medicine as prescribed.

I never miss my doctor sessions.

I try to get enough sleep.

I try to not freak out.

 

Despite the hurdle of Everything/

I occasionally still/

completely lose my mind.

 

It always feels as though-

I have betrayed myself somehow…

My episodes the last two years, strictly on my meds,

have been smaller & shorter,

no real damage has been done.

 

I should feel happy,

as if I’ve won.

But instead I am sadden by the way,

I become undone.

Like a sweater with one button popping loose,

as if by random chance.

 

I know of others with my disease,

have fewer times of the in-between.

Fewer times of the semi-normalcy, stable state.

 

I know I am blessed and lucky.

At least my medicines control

my CRAZY, from time to time…

 

Nobody’s perfect all the time.

We all have our flaws.

It just sucks that history tends to;

repeat itself in my general direction.

I am caught in the constant cobweb

of being CRAZY.

 

I run away from home TIME AND TIME AGAIN…

Just like the first time, way back in the summer,

of 1992.

I’m a song stuck on repeat.

A dance number without  a beat.

Filled with sadness & joy, all at once,

a walking contradiction

allowing & swallowing the impossible

courage & fear of being

plain old ME.IMG_20130330_093314 IMG_20130330_093436 Self-portrait photo may 2013Falling to pieces by EHCato 1999Picture 113 copy

 

Artist Talk Registration ends soon!!

http://pinterest.com/pin/273312271109214992/

I’m hosting an Artist Talk & Artist workshop at The Art Experience in Pontiac MI on Tuesday June 25,2013. The event will take place between 6:00pm-8:00pm. They are asking that people interested please register in advance by June 18, 2013- go to:http://www.theartexperience.org/2013_Summer_ScheduleofClasses.html   to register.

The topic will be on “Recovery in Mental Health through the use of Art-making.” I will give a presentation based on my own personal account of living with bipolar disorder/manic-depression for over two decades. And how this has impacted my Artwork and ultimately led me onto a path of becoming an Art therapist. Then there will be a short Q and A followed by an Art Demo of two different watercolor resist techniques. Lastly the participants will be invited to create their own artwork. All supplies are included in ticket cost-of $20 per person.

Please click on the two links above for more info:

You can also visit http://www.theartexperience.org

Flyer Art Talk no 4 copy Art photos 1.17.13 024 IMG_20121228_161438 IMG_20121228_161333 IMG_20121228_161319 IMG_20121228_161305 an abstract acrylic painting ,music,2012Artist Talk flyer no

Hopes are dashed disappointed merging with depression:

Apparently, they only called to say that they,

“like” me, but not enough to actually “hire” me.

Whipee! I have gotten my fair share of phone calls,

that fall into this category.

She wanted to keep my application on file for future

reference-(so they reject me again? oh boy!) Sure is how I answered.

She also wanted to pass my application along,

to other agencies that they work with-

Sure, great, I said-

as I could feel my brain on meltdown,

the feeling of dread…nobody ever is going to hire me?

wth?

As much, as i try to remain focused and positive,

I keep getting massive and multiple rejections,

at each and every fork in the world…

 

At the end of our conversation, she could not wait

to tell me what an “awesome artist” I am.

Very talented. Not everybody is so lucky.

as an art therapist, i really disregarded, the compliment.

 

I felt literally-and still feel-that that is total bullshit.

I did not verbally say that to her,

instead I explained as an Art therapist, I believe that

Everybody has the power to make art- all it takes is practice.

 

No, no, no she assured me, “You have a Gift.”

 

Well yes, I do. I have the gift of never finding a damn job…

I’ve been looking over 18 months.

I am either OVER-qualified OR UNDER-qualify.

 

I can never get it right.

Getting so frustrated,

just wanna give up this dumb fight.

 

Excitement drips through the air:

Excitement drips through the air;

like liquid curiosity.

Excitement lingers sweetly,

like a musky perfume I cannot get rid of.

The waiting is like walking on eggshells.

The cliches are rampant,

filling my head with half-truths,

and half-forgotten phrases.

 

Waiting for my phone to ring (again)…

Hopeful that maybe, just maybe,

it could be good-no wait-great news!!!

 

The excitement comes in waves-

tension, built of nervous energy, and anticipation,

for the unexpected….

 

They called me once, and I missed their call.

I gave a call back and left a message.

Will i hear back before 5 pm?

I really do not know, slipping and sliding,

onto the edge of anticipation.

 

The question remains, will i finally get

a job or not???

Artist Talk & Art Therapy Workshop June 25, 2013 at TAE: The Art Experience in Pontiac MI

I have been invited to host an Artist Talk and Art workshop on recovery in mental health using Artwork. This Artist Talk & Art Therapy workshop includes a presentation and a watercolor demonstration, along with an art making opportunity for those in attendance. It will be June 25,2013, from 6pm-8pm at The Art Experience, 175 S. Saginaw, ste #109 , Pontiac Mi To register please go to their website, at http://www.theartexperience.org and click on the tab listed as summer schedule of classes. Tickets are only $20 each for this session and the cost includes art supplies. They ask if you register please do so in advance by at least 6/18/13. I will be doing a presentation based on living with bipolar disorder and how that has impacted my life as an artist/art-therapist. Then there will be a short Q &A-followed by two different watercolor resist techniques. Last the participants will be invited to create their own works on art based on these techniques. Suggested Age range is 15 years and up.Artist Talk flyer no Flyer Art Talk no 4 copy flyer artist talk 6.25.13 TAE version 2 I will also have some copies of my paperback books for sale, most will be just $10, the other 2 my Art before words, and my memoirs on bipolar will be $15. I would be willing to sign them if you like.

Her ugly limited view of god

IMAG0907 (1)My sister and i

were on the telephone,

when i mentioned my husband and self-

maybe seeking an annulment

in order to get a portion of my social security

benefits restored.

She was furious with me.

She gave me a huge angry lecture,

citing the importance of Love,

and the sanctity of marriage.

It come out of nowhere,

this fright train of outrage.

She stream-rolled me, with

I would not end my marriage-

over such a small amount of money Emily.

this she said with words made of bees

not of honey….her quick judgement of me.

This extra amount of money would be

in fact quite insignificant to my sister.

Yet compared to us and all of our struggles;

Her and her husband live on the high horse-

She herself has never even acquired a

4 year bachelors degree-yet she has made it-

achieving much, in the world of hospital administration.

She was lucky to achieve so much with so little education-

just the sweat of her brow and making it up the

food chain by sheer hard work and lots of luck.

Myself, I hold a high school diploma, a bachelors degree in Fine Arts,

and a Masters Degree in Education: Art Ed and Art Therpy-

I also hold an unraveling mind

trapped beneath the glass,

of mental illness.

I too, have worked very hard for everything that life has given me.

The difference of course, is i roughly earn

only 6,000$ per year from ssdi.

She I am sure earns well over 50,000$

plus her spouse also works-he is a republican,

a private businessman.

My spouse works too, yet barely above

the minimum wage. He cuts meat for a living,

a honest job-yet does not count as high paying.

I do not consider us to be “greedy”people.

I also do not consider us to be”godless”.

he is an atheist and I am Wiccan.

She was attacking me,

verbally on the grounds of the sanctity of marriage & her ugly limited,

view of her God-not mine-not understanding-

I no longer follow her bible-

the law she swallows,

things we were taught as small children.

These beliefs instilled in her outrage,

that i could consider ending a loving marriage

just to earn a increase in monthly benefits…

She has not walked a mile in my shoes.

She does not understand how difficult it can be-

to subside on only $6,000 for an entire year.

Yes, I am married.

Yes, I do love my husband.

But is it wrong for me to want better for us?

When i have been looking for even a part-time job,

for over 18 months….

had countless interviews,

but no callbacks…

is it wrong for me to end a formality,

a paper contract between he and i,

that would increase my SSDI benefits,

by over double the amount they are now?

Is it fair to my husband,

that he pay for everything

and I do not pay my share?

She advised me to simply quit smoking.

This is a brilliant idea-

I often encounter by non-smokers.

As if it were simply that easy to stop?

Besides even if I did quit that would only free up 350-400$ per month.

Nothing like, the over $800 in benefits, i lost

by marrying my heart, true love, the man of my dreams.

At the time, I did not think losing,

all that money would be so hard.

At the time, just over 2 years ago,

I thought i would earn a nice income-

from a masters degree in art therapy.

but i did not.

and now, my older sister berates me,

on the importance of the sanctity of marriage,

and the strength of marriage vows.

Please do not beat me up with guilt,

over your limited and narrow definition of God.

That is not my God nor my Goddess.

We believe in separate things entirely.

Your ugly, limited view of God and all that

that must contain.

Beating me up with the Religion of my childhood,

Trying to prevent me from committing an unknown sin.

Your God is not my God.

My God does not sit upon a shelf,

trapped between ivory pages

of a little yet well known book-

that is used in many purposes to do more harm than good.

Sleeping slowly improving…

Since I’ve been back home-

I guess since Tuesday, or Weds or Thursday,

of last week- my sleep has been slowly improving.

 

This makes my husband very happy.

Although, I have been smoking

cigarettes, much worse than ever.

That is highly upsetting to him.

 

I try to explain that, no its not forever,

that i am trying to readjust to

the beauty which is

us.

 

That I am trying to cope,

with a hypo-manic stroke of luck-

a mild mania or mixed state,

It was not great, to have yet

another episode,

even if it was a smaller one.

 

My doctor says even though I have

been having more episodes than usual the past

2 years- that they all have been mild,

She sees that as a vast improvement.

 

It’s funny-in the strangest sense-

how many new people I met,

and how many did not really realize,

that something was a bit off with me.

 

The only ones who knew for sure,

were my husband-who i became paranoid of-

and my doctor-because she’s good

at her job and some sort of pro

at deciphering the Madness.

 

My sleep is getting better.

I am feeling much more relaxed.

All of which is good.

 

I’ve been in plans for leading

an Artist Talk-Art therapy workshop,

later this month,

We have been planning it at least 3 or 4 months.

 

The open art therapy studio and I.

I was kind of frightened I may,

have some sort of episode

and make an ass, of myself.

 

Now that I have had a shorter and milder

episode, all my meds were basically increased

so that means, I do not have to fear,

another episode for a while.