My only serious suicide attempt, R.I.P Robin Williams….
I have lived with and have been fighting bipolar disorder for over 20 years now. I was diagnosed in 1992 at just 18 years old. I had just graduated from high school which the stress and milestone of it hit my Mother like a ton of bricks or I guess it did. Whatever the reason she experienced her first diagnosed manic episode within days of my graduation. Instead of supporting her I became very confused and angry. I ran away from home. Within a month to six weeks I had my first mania my own self.
Anyways, it was a struggle to accept and deal with due to fear and ignorance on my own part, I refused medications on and off through my twenties. When I was 26 I had a very extreme mania during which I met my current spouse and husband Dean. The year was 2000. Even though I was obviously a bit off and eccentric his family welcomed me with open arms that summer. I even moved in with them-Dean and his parents.
During that summer my Mom was diagnosed with ASL-Lou Gerhigs disease. I didn’t even understand what that was. That Fall my world came crashing down on me-the mania was sharply over to be replaced with the worst depression of my life. I came to 3 realizations rather quickly: 1. If i was this depressed after being so happy it could only mean one thing-I definitely had bipolar disorder. 2. If I was this messed up I did not want to live a bipolar lifestyle. 3. I barely even knew my new boyfriend all that well and already I had moved in with him-told him I loved him.
I concocted a dangerous and stupid plan. I decided to go back to my old doctor and tell her I was bipolar and needed help. What I did not tell her-was that i wanted to die and was planning on using any medication she prescribed to me to do it.
I’m not sure if it was even a concrete plan in my mind but secretly i knew. I knew I need pills to be able to just end it.
My husband-boyfriend back then-worked a night job with his family cleaning movie theaters. One night in September or October I waited until everybody left. About 2 hours before he was to come home i swallowed roughly 30 Depakote. Then something strange happened. I changed my mind! I wanted to Live and I was terrified. When he got me home he rushed me to the nearest ER. They pumped me stomach. They fed me charcoal. I had tubes in me. I was in ICU 4 days. My boyfriend visited all the time. I begged him and his family to please not contact my parents. I was so ashamed.
Ironically my mother was in a hospital herself. The ASL/Lou Gerhigs was attacking very rapidly-she was having breathing issues. I was released in Oct. I visited my Mother roughly 3-4 times-as often as I could. She passed away the following month at 53.
I don’t know if on some level i sensed her death was approaching and that was one of the many reasons I had for trying to end my own life. I did confess the attempt to her. With tears in her eyes she made me promise to stay on my meds and to never never try to kill myself again. I promised her. And I keep the second half of the promise not always the first part.
I do not claim to know the Demons that haunted Robin Williams. I do know publicly he admitted to a struggle with bipolar illness-manic depression-and substance abuse. I also know men are more likely to complete a suicide attempt instead of women. Simply because men usually pick such hardcore methods there is no turning back. I wonder if he wanted to turn back at any point but it was already too late? I am thankful many and most days that I was able to undone the damage of my suicide attempt.
Please trust me-nothing is so bad it is worth losing your life over. There is always somebody who cares for you if not deeply loves you. Your death could not just end your life but ruin the lives of those around you. There is always help available. All you have to do is reach out-to somebody-anybody & there are anonymous crisis hotlines that are 24 hrs to prevent suicide. Of course we should really remember Robin for how he lived and not how he died. But do not let his passing be in vain. Let it be a wake up call that suicides can be preventable. That suicidal feelings can get better and go away during treatment if you seek help.Death is a drastic measure. It is a step into the abyss from no turning back.
I’m not sure why we had to lose somebody as wonderful as Robin Williams. Perhaps it was simply his time to go. I really do not understand or can pretend to know why.
It is saddening me greatly that the media is choosing to label his illness as simply “depression”. Depression is a very real and really dangerous illness. But it is much less complex and easier and more successful to treat than bipolar disorder/manic depression. I think it does his memory a disservice to mislabel him as simply a depressed person. He was also a Manic person-which was part of why the world loved to laugh with him. His fast thinking, his fast paced wit, His outrageous humor it all came with a heavy price. These are some of the “benefits ” of having a manic episode. But what goes up must also come down And the higher you are the faster you fall.
****Also I do not often discuss my personal battles with mental illnesses on my blog BUT I have three self-published poetry artist chapbooks dedicated to such issues.
The first is a personal memoir written during perhaps a semi-hypo-manic state:
Here is a link:
then there were two other poetry artist books i wrote prior to this memoir listed above.
Combined it is a two-part series I named the “Rantings and Ravings Series.”
1. This one is currently on FREE kindle downloads:
2.This one only costs $3.99 on the kindle right now: