Tired of the tug and fight

Today, I am tired of the tug and fight.

Between myself and I,

over how I am going to spend my time?

And if I am going to crash soon-

taking a nap? or if I am going to make some kind of art?

or will i read books?

I am so sick of this fight, this tug of war,

between my depressed side and

my manic-laughing hyena side?

I feel like I must be Dr,Jekyll and Mr.Hyde.

I cannot decide which impulses to follow;

do i do something crazy, yet grand, like drawing

a wonderful piece of art, in charcoal or pastels or even crayons?

Or do i tilt my hand-all aces-how grand!

Do I just take another anxiety med and sleep off

all the lame boring excitement,

of trying to create a manuscript or poems or paintings,

or bead another un-bought necklace-which only i will wear?

Tired of the tug and fight.

I want middle ground.

I just took another lithium about an hour ago.

I want all the stability that an entire

Starship fleet of doctors

once promised me.

I always take my meds,

but eventually they stop working-

or just real-life shit problems happen,

and stress me out,

so that my medicines stop working.

i try to be the ideal patient.

Still I remain a hybrid of Dr .Jekyll and Mr.Hyde.

So tired of the tug and fight….useless.

frustrations mount.

depression sizzles.

mania fizzles.

blame it on the weather-

or blame it on the stupid tug and fight,

stupid insanity-

it bites

me

right in the ass,

every-time.

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