Sorry for the lengthy bitchy post

Sorry to get on my pedestal,

spouting what an angel,

I am-despite-the fact,

I know i can be difficult.

Especially during my manias,

or mixed episodes…

then I’m no angel-

i’m hell on wheels…a tortured soul,

spreading the misery, drama and what-not.

 

But sometimes, even when stable,

or steady, i got a lot on my plate,

filled to the brim of

“real” life drama issues…

 

Since I no longer have my

Community Mental Health therapist-just

a real nice Psychiatrist…

I really have nobody left to confide too.

 

I tell my husband things,

and my best girl pal,

but other than that,

it builds up.

 

A storm before the lightening comes.

A high-blowing, gasping wind,

A burning fire raging to the top,

my inner child fighting to remain

safe within-yet screaming all the same-

she wants out again.

 

A dose of PMS,

some raging hormones,

poor sleep due to a

horrid cold…

I could not help myself.

 

I had to puke the words out,

before my anger devoured me whole.

Smoldering in memories-

ugly, angry and bruised

my self-esteem fragments

of a shiny broken mirror.

 

i hate what i see.

she looks horrific, madder than hell,

this bitch mess of me,

i do not recognize the lips

which snarl, the wide eyed angry stare.

 

i cannot look myself in the mirror today.

i do not dare.

 

Sometimes i need to just vomit the ugly,

right out of my vocabulary,

before i drown-

in a tidal-wave sea

of resentment or agony.

 

Gotta get rid of this feeling,

a feeling like raw violence-

like punching a wall,

or banging my head against a door-

 

until it’s bleeds…

or the door magically opens,

just a crack

letting the sunshine in.

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