Working hard on being a
quitter again. It’s so easy to quit on big things, like school, or a job you do not like, or a food you hate. It’s easy to quit on Ideals too, like becoming paper thin, fitting into a size 8 dress, winning the lottery, making a huge difference and helping tons of people with your golden daydreams and wonderful insights.
But that’s not the sort of giving up I’m talking about.
I am going to try to kick the habit. I am going to try to quit smoking again. As I type this, I am lightening yet another one. In the last ditch attempt of denial, when you know after you smoke your last cigarette-it’s going to all have to be over-because you can barely stand yourself anymore. And, things like Cancer, Heart Attacks, Strokes and second-hand smoke do exist-for real….you can only live in a smoky fog for so long, before it becomes way too obvious, you are killing not only yourself but the world around you-your family, your husband or wife,your kids, your pets even….all for just one stupid buzz. It’s becoming increasingly and horribly clear to me, that there is much more to Life than this. Some people never reach this conclusion…but i am slowly grasping it. I hate hiding in my house sitting up my bed, chain-smoking my life away while the rest of the world moves forward in time. I’m stuck retro, as mature as I was at age 15, when i started smoking the damn things cuz my boyfriend did too…I’m pushing 40 now and really wondering in my smoky haze where did all the time go? How do people my age have energy to get out of bed, to exercise, to walk, to dance, to make love? I am not trying to lecture anybody into quitting. Or try to say smoking is bad for you. But my main point is, smoking is bad for me. And I really need to quit, so i will live long enough to survive.