In need of Tiara

In need of Tiara-

(for Nyama) 8/05/14

Reading glasses

pulled down

as she looks

down her nose at you.


An enigma,

A mystery

this woman

is ancient and enthroned-

She runs the Library.


The place

where the shelves

are pulled high

with dinosaur

type volumes

of words written

onto paper-

bindings made of old leather

and how unusual

it seems.

To visit such a graveyard

composed of old bound paper.


Reading glasses pulled down

as she looks down her nose at you.

An enigma

A mystery.


This woman

is of an old soul

She is enthroned like a Queen.

She shhss her subjects.

She is only missing

her Tiara.


My inner wild child

My inner child

is wild, angry and more than a bit


She sits well with rage.

The rage I cannot tell.

The kind which feels unlawful

so I hide it well.


I hide it beneath

piles of dirty blankets

inside my mind.

I try to smother this rage

deep inside, with the hopes

it will not eat at me

from the inside out.

I hide my anger well-

I cover it with doubt.


My inner child, she’s a wild thing.

She deals with all

of my secret pain,

so that I can begin again.


They say certain nasty

words about angry women.

It’s as if anger is never allowed.


I want to be the “nice girl”.

I want to be polite.

I want to fit in

and never start any fist fights.


But despite it all

deep within

my inner child she is ranting and raving

eager to escape at my seams,

she swallowed a sky of my

emotions and I watch

from a safe distance


as she erupts

like a volcano

into my dreams.

Dust Bowl

Whipped up words

into a dustbowl

each word tangles thickly

into the next,

a whirlpool

a frenzy

a dustbowl derby.

round and round

they go

scattered lightly

into a vacuum

of empty.

A mixture of metaphors

stretched lightly loosely

like so much twine


it stretches finely

across the dirty

canvas of

my mind.

Goodreads Giveaway: “Help Wanted Poets :please apply.”An Anthology edited by Emily Sturgill (2014)

Three paperback copies of my poetry anthology, will be given away. I apologize for the error in the cover picture-this shows the kindle cover instead of the paperback cover. I uploaded the kindle version first to Goodreads and could not figure out how to change the cover. I did change from the kindle to the paperback version-really wish i could list both versions but GoodReads is not as user friendly as it first appears.

So anyways-the paperback cover looks like this:

Anthology cover design image 3   This paperback version is roughly 100-105 pages, It is 8.5 x 11, white pages and colored images. It contains the work of 18 poets +myself=19 poets in total. And, yes, it is absolutely totally fabulous.The drawing is open to enteries right now. To enter you must be a Good Reads member but Good reads is free to join. If your not a member just go to think that is how it works. I joined a while ago. Here is a link to the book on, below.

New***Ongoing Kindle Promotions***FREE and reduced EBooks

This title listed above, is currently FREE to download and keep! August 13-17th,2014

This other title is currently reduced to just 99 cents.

And “Yesterday’s flowers and other things.” will be on reduced kindle countdown deals from 8/19/14-8/26/14

During that entire countdown time -it will only cost 99 cents. HERE is a link below:

My only serious suicide attempt: a short story dedicated to the late great Robin Williams.

My only serious suicide attempt, R.I.P Robin Williams….


I have lived with and have been fighting bipolar disorder for over 20 years now. I was diagnosed in 1992 at just 18 years old. I had just graduated from high school which the stress and milestone of it hit my Mother like a ton of bricks or I guess it did. Whatever the reason she experienced her first diagnosed manic episode within days of my graduation. Instead of supporting her I became very confused and angry. I ran away from home. Within a month to six weeks I had my first mania my own self.

Anyways, it was a struggle to accept and deal with due to fear and ignorance on my own part, I refused medications on and off through my twenties. When I was 26 I had a very extreme mania during which I met my current spouse and husband Dean. The year was 2000. Even though I was obviously a bit off and eccentric his family welcomed me with open arms that summer. I even moved in with them-Dean and his parents.

During that summer my Mom was diagnosed with ASL-Lou Gerhigs disease. I didn’t even understand what that was. That Fall my world came crashing down on me-the mania was sharply over to be replaced with the worst depression of my life. I came to 3 realizations rather quickly: 1. If i was this depressed after being so happy it could only mean one thing-I definitely had bipolar disorder. 2. If I was this messed up I did not want to live a bipolar lifestyle. 3. I barely even knew my new boyfriend all that well and already I had moved in with him-told him I loved him.

I concocted a dangerous and stupid plan. I decided to go back to my old doctor and tell her I was bipolar and needed help. What I did not tell her-was that i wanted to die and was planning on using any medication she prescribed to me to do it.

I’m not sure if it was even a concrete plan in my mind but secretly i knew. I knew I need pills to be able to just end it.

My husband-boyfriend back then-worked a night job with his family cleaning movie theaters. One night in September or October   I waited until everybody left. About 2 hours before he was to come home i swallowed roughly 30 Depakote. Then something strange happened. I changed my mind! I wanted to Live and I was terrified. When he got me home he rushed me to the nearest ER. They pumped me stomach. They fed me charcoal. I had tubes in me. I was in ICU 4 days. My boyfriend visited all the time. I begged him and his family to please not contact my parents. I was so ashamed.

Ironically my mother was in a hospital herself. The ASL/Lou Gerhigs was attacking very rapidly-she was having breathing issues. I was released in Oct. I visited my Mother roughly 3-4 times-as often as I could. She passed away the following month at 53.

I don’t know if on some level i sensed her death was approaching and that was one of the many reasons I had for trying to end my own life. I did confess the attempt to her. With tears in her eyes she made me promise to stay on my meds and to never never try to kill myself again. I promised her. And I keep the second half of the promise not always the first part.

I do not claim to know the Demons that haunted Robin Williams. I do know publicly he admitted to a struggle with bipolar illness-manic depression-and substance abuse. I also know men are more likely to complete a suicide attempt instead of women. Simply because men usually pick such hardcore methods there is no turning back. I wonder if he wanted to turn back at any point but it was already too late? I am thankful many and most days that I was able to undone the damage of my suicide attempt.

Please trust me-nothing is so bad it is worth losing your life over. There is always somebody who cares for you if not deeply loves you. Your death could not just end your life but ruin the lives of those around you. There is always help available. All you have to do is reach out-to somebody-anybody & there are anonymous crisis hotlines that are 24 hrs to prevent suicide. Of course we should really remember Robin for how he lived and not how he died. But do not let his passing be in vain.  Let it be a wake up call that suicides can be preventable. That suicidal feelings can get better and go away during treatment if you seek help.Death is a drastic measure. It is a step into the abyss from no turning back.


I’m not sure why we had to lose somebody as wonderful as Robin Williams. Perhaps it was simply his time to go. I really do not understand or can pretend to know why.

It is saddening me greatly that the media is choosing to label his illness as simply “depression”. Depression is a very real and really dangerous illness. But it is much less complex and easier and more successful to treat than bipolar disorder/manic depression. I think it does his memory a disservice to mislabel him as simply a depressed person. He was also a Manic person-which was part of why the world loved to laugh with him. His fast thinking, his fast paced wit, His outrageous humor it all came with a heavy price. These are some of the “benefits ” of having a manic episode. But what goes up must also come down And the higher you are the faster you fall.

****Also I do not often discuss my personal battles with mental illnesses on my blog BUT I have three self-published poetry artist chapbooks dedicated to such issues.
The first is a personal memoir written during perhaps a semi-hypo-manic state:
Here is a link:

then there were two other poetry artist books i wrote prior to this memoir listed above.
Combined it is a two-part series I named the “Rantings and Ravings Series.”
1. This one is currently on FREE kindle downloads:

2.This one only costs $3.99 on the kindle right now:

Paperbacks are available too!!!

For those of you who have enjoyed any of my free e-books or my e-books in general, they are also available on paperback from but also directly from Createspace creates paperbacks on demand. HERE is a link for most of my titles from the Createspace store:

Kindle Countdown Deals-poetry and artists chapbooks from Emily Sturgill

I have two upcoming Kindle countdown deals. The first one starts tomorrow August 8, 2014. It will run until August 15th, 2014. The name of the book is “Do not cry me a River of Crocodile Tears.” It was published last summer. It is an Art and Poetry chapbook. It will be on sale on site during that time. However it will be on kindle countdown in the USA starting September 12-September 19, 2014. During tat entire time the price will drop from $3.99 to just .99 cents.HERE is a link:

The other Promo is a USA promo. Starting August 9-August 16,2014 My e-book called “Mythology seen through metaphor: word salad 1.5″ will be reduced to just 99 cents the entire time. It is also an Artist and Poetry Chapbook. It did receive some very positive reviews. If you feel like checking it out HERE is a LINK:

As with all my poetry and artist chapbooks if you do decide to invest your 99 cents-I would really love to hear your opinion, feedback and thoughts on the book you read. You can use the same links as above to submit a review or visit my Authors page at:

Thanks for reading this! Sincerely Emily Sturgill.